Sunday, April 21, 2013

Guest Review: "The Arrival"

Charlie Sheen felt himself being sucked into this project by the vortex of the Heidi Fleiss scandal. He was trying to distract his loyal fan base from his addiction to illicit drugs and prostitutes, so he chose this unfathomable story in which he is cast as an astrophysicist. He knew it wouldn’t be a hit; he was in need of money. His brother Emilio Estevez appears to have been the perfect son, so Charlie had to make his mark somewhere. He accidentally scored with, like, 5 good movies to finance his more…artistically edgy choices.

Charlie’s boss at the university turns on him when Charlie announces that he has intercepted signals from intelligent life in outer space. (We eventually find out his boss is one of THEM!). Charlie is fired and splits for Mexico with his girlfriend, who thinks Charlie is paranoid (no kidding). Charlie is headed south of the border because he’s following the signals from his home laboratory, which are guiding him in the direction of the aliens. He arrives during the Day of the Dead celebration, setting a spooky tone for the rest of the movie.

Some loose ends are never completely woven into the story. For example, there didn’t seem to be a point to the character of the old Mexican man who walked his skeleton marionette around the streets. There was a puzzling scene involving scorpions and the death of a female professor who had been hitting heavily on Charlie.

Another character worth mentioning is Kiki, a young black boy who lives with his grandmother in the same neighborhood as Charlie. He ended up crossing the border with Charlie and his girlfriend, but didn’t feel like he had to tell his grandmother that he was leaving the country for an indefinite amount of time with a neighbor they barely knew. These days, the whole pedophile thing is pretty much out in the open. So would you let your grandson visit a bachelor in his sci-fi workshop and never check up on him?

Charlie, ya gotta start reading the scripts before you agree to do the movie. The talent is there, as we’ve seen from your handful of hits; consistency can be achieved! Learn to read. Pay someone to read the scripts to you! Most of all, listen to that little voice inside that is screaming: “NOOOOOO!”

The departure doesn't come soon enough!

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