1. Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're 10 hours from the fuckin' fun park and you wanna bail out. Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation; it's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun and I'm gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fuckin' fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" outta your assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
2. Ellen: Oh, spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow, you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonald's, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud.
3. Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh, and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey, you can't prove that, Russ.
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh, and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey, you can't prove that, Russ.
4. Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty is for animal cruelty in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well...it's probably pretty stiff.
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well...it's probably pretty stiff.
5. Ellen: I hope at least you kids have learned something about life and death.
Audrey: Yeah, don't die unless somebody's home!
Audrey: Yeah, don't die unless somebody's home!
6. Rusty: That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp, Dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark: They used to, Rusty.
Clark: They used to, Rusty.
7. Ellen: (The family is lost in a bad neighborhood) Clark, this is so dangerous. We have no business being in an area like this.
Clark: Well, look at it this way, honey, this is a part of America we never get to see.
Ellen: That's good!
Clark: No, that's bad. I mean, we can't close our eyes to the plight of the cities. Kids, are you noticing all this plight? This'll just make us appreciate what we have. (There's a gunshot somewhere near the car, followed by a scream) Roll 'em up!
Clark: Well, look at it this way, honey, this is a part of America we never get to see.
Ellen: That's good!
Clark: No, that's bad. I mean, we can't close our eyes to the plight of the cities. Kids, are you noticing all this plight? This'll just make us appreciate what we have. (There's a gunshot somewhere near the car, followed by a scream) Roll 'em up!
8. Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do! I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you. I should've taken an airplane. And he...he shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be behind bars!
Ellen: Sit down and shut up! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!
Ellen: Sit down and shut up! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!
9. Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area up there. And Moab, he layeth down by the band of the Canaanites. And yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you, give her...give her a break.
Ellen: Clark, this is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.
Ellen: Lord, we loved this woman with all our hearts--
Audrey: Let's not overdo it, Mom.
Ellen: Clark, this is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.
Ellen: Lord, we loved this woman with all our hearts--
Audrey: Let's not overdo it, Mom.
10. Clark: Pardon me. I wonder if you can tell me how to get back on the expressway.
Pimp: Fuck yo' mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.
Pimp: Fuck yo' mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.
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