"The Greatest Showman"

(Yes, I know I'm really late reviewing this). Ever since my teenage self saw Van Helsing one Halloween night, I've had a deep and abiding love for Hugh Jackman. C'mon, who wouldn't?

Anyway, the music that hits as the movie begins made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

The urgent wails, the rhythmic clapping/stomping. The visual buildup is incredible too: the underside of old wooden bleachers that only reveal shadows of legs, the silhouette of a ringmaster in classic garb tapping his cane on the packed dirt floor. Even though we know circus godfather P.T. Barnum is being played by Hugh Jackman, they don't show his face for a while. And, oh, does Hugh have a set of pipes!

I've read about circus history, so I'm sure a LOT of liberties were taken with Barnum's life story, but that's really not the point of the movie at all. The Greatest Showman is a lot like musicals of yore where maybe there's a plot if you squint. The real star of the show is the music, choreography, and acrobatic stunt work. (I'll forgive the obviously CGI animals). Immediately after it was over, I rushed out to buy the soundtrack.

I was somewhat hesitant to see this in theaters because of my aversion to Zac Efron. His character was tolerable, but by no means my favorite. "Rewrite the Stars," his duet with trapeze artist Anne, is the only song in the movie I didn't like at all; Efron's performance is just too whiny for me.

The circus scenes caused a flood of emotions. Growing up, my grandma used to take me to Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey when they came through on their summer tour. I came out each time with a huge smile on my face, a glossy souvenir program, and dreams of becoming a tiger trainer like Mark Oliver Gebel. Dumbo was one of my favorite cartoons. I would beg to go to a local off-brand circus the years Barnum & Bailey didn't come to town.

The cruel irony is this movie ended up being released the same year Barnum's show shut down for good. I actually cried because the finale tour came nowhere near my hometown, preventing me from seeing my beloved circus one last time. This movie is the closest my kids (should I ever have any) will get to the experiences I had watching the magic that took place in those three rings.

An hour and 45 minutes, kid-friendly, fantastic production values, and the eye candy that is Hugh Jackman. What more reasons do you need to see this for the first (or fourth) time?

2017: Year In Review

After a long hiatus for which I have no excuse, Shortstack is back! Overall, last year was a pretty good one for pop culture. Here's a summary of where my love for it took me this year:

Movies:
I went to my local theater a lot last year. What I didn't catch in theaters, I saw via Redbox. My brief impressions of everything I saw.

• Power Rangers: Didn't quite live up to my memories of the original from the 1990's, but it wasn't unwatchable.
• CHIPS: Still can't believe I watched the whole thing; no wonder Erik Estrada wanted nothing to do with it.
• King Arthur--Legend of the Sword: Came out the day I graduated nursing school, so I dragged my boyfriend and family to the theater after the ceremony. Extremely disappointing, even though Charlie Hunnam was frequently shirtless.
• Kong--Skull Island: Absolutely loved it.
• Wonder Woman: Boyfriend Redboxed it. Pretty good, but I still prefer MCU.
• Dead Again In Tombstone: Another Redbox find. I love Danny Trejo, but found it hard to keep track of what the hell was happening.
• Ingrid Goes West: Aubrey Plaza at her darkly comedic best.
• Guardians of the Galaxy--Volume 2: Endlessly quotable with a kick-ass soundtrack and A+ casting in Kurt Russell as Peter Quill's estranged father.
• Star Wars--The Last Jedi: Boyfriend took me. Prior to this, I'd never seen a Star Wars movie all the way through and had zero interest in doing so. I spent the rest of that weekend binging the original trilogy (not gonna lie, the Porgs helped).
• Spider-Man--Homecoming: Tom Holland is 1,000% more likable than Andrew Garfield or Tobey Maguire.
• Logan: The ending made me bawl in the theater.
• Thor--Ragnarok: It's rare for a sequel to be almost better than the original. Really enjoyed the Hemsworth/Ruffalo bromance.
• Kingsman--The Golden Circle: Elton John's performance alone was worth the price of admission. A worthy follow-up to The Secret Service. Although I'm not happy they killed JB.

TV:

• After 6 amazing seasons, Longmire had its last roundup. Walt and Vic (finally) hooked up and admitted their feelings for each other. Henry got the happy ending he deserved. 
• Bates Motel also ended with the expected amount of murder and mayhem. (RIP to yet another Kenny Johnson character, the incestuous Caleb Calhoun). The last man standing in the Bates clan was Norman's illegitimate half-brother Dylan.
• Kenny Johnson wasn't gone from TV for long before being cast in the revival of S.W.A.T. as team driver and third-generation SWAT cop Dominique Luca. Add in Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds and you have a recipe for sexiness. There's also solid writing by The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan.
• Sneaky Pete, Amazon's original series starring Giovanni Ribisi as a charming con artist quickly became something I recommended to all my friends.
• Santa Clarita Diet. Though I am by no means a fan of the zombie genre, I couldn't resist after hearing Timothy Olyphant was attached to it. He and Drew Barrymore are fantastically hilarious as husband and wife trying to cope with Drew's sudden appetite for human flesh.
• Vice Principals had a solid series finale. I only wish there was more of Walton Goggins as the delightfully foulmouthed and psychotic Lee Russell to look forward to.

Celebrity Encounters: 

Golly days, it might be easier to list who I didn't meet last year. My local comic con, though in a midsize Southern city, attracts some high-profile talent.

• Theo Rossi AKA Juice from Sons of Anarchy and Shades from Luke Cage. "How you doin', doll?" the first thing he said to me in that New York accent made my knees go weak. I told him Juice was in my top 5 favorite Sons and he asked who else. I listed off Jax (of course), Opie, Chibs, and Kozik. "Really?" said Theo, "I don't hear a lotta people say that." Turns out he's also a big Shield fan and Lem was his favorite character too.
• Robin Lord Taylor AKA Penguin from Gotham. My cousin and I both cosplayed as Penguinettes (complete with Cobblepot for Mayor buttons), which he thought was absolutely adorable. He was so flattered I have a cat named Oswald that he almost cried. 
• Jeffrey Dean Morgan. At an absolutely disastrous out-of-state con, measures meant to cut wait time made it worse. My cousin and I waited 4 hours (!!!!). When he heard how long we'd been waiting, Jeffrey said, "Fuck! I'm sorry, girls" and hugged us both.
• Dee Wallace AKA Patricia of The Frighteners. Very sweet, mild-mannered little old lady. She did a guest role on Supernatural and gleefully described Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles as "yummy."
• Traci Lords AKA Wanda from Cry-Baby and a vampiress in Blade. And also porn, per my dad. When I brought up Blade, she said, "That heatseeker guy [Kenny Johnson] was actually like super-nice? I don't know what happened to him? I think he's on some cop show now..." 
• Walter Jones AKA the original Black Power Ranger and Rondell Robinson from The Shield. Told him I was a huge Power Rangers fan growing up, but I really liked him as Rondell. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed, "I was a beast on that show!" Walter danced me around his booth to "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing" by Stevie Wonder, making him one of my more memorable con meetings.
• Danny Trejo. I love Con-Air, so I wore a fake cop badge and an Air Marshals Put the Bunny in the Box shirt to meet him. I also carried around a pink stuffed bunny in a box labeled POE. Danny's first question was, "What's with the bunny?" I told him what I was referencing.
  He laughed and smiled, telling me this was the first time anybody had ever thought of bringing a Con-Air bunny. He asked where I got my shirt so he could get one just like it. Danny also insisted on the bunny being in the picture and signed the shoe box as Johnny-23, his character from the movie.

2018 is already shaping up to be good. Got some fun plans in the works and will update my blog more often. 

Top 10 Quotes: "The Frighteners"

Wow, have I neglected this blog! Life as a new nurse has gotten in the way. Coming back with this slightly late Halloween-themed post.

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1. Milton: You are violating my territorial bubble!

2. Cyrus: I could complain too, ya know. I would like some new clothes. You get to dress nice. Here I am still looking like Linc from The Mod Squad.
Frank: You died in the '70s. It's a bummer.

3. Ray: (after Frank runs over one of his lawn gnomes) My Budzo! I've got your license plate number, you bastard!

4. Cyrus: Ah, the old express bus to hell. No lines, no waiting.

5. Ray: I'm gonna sue your ass!
Frank: Let's not get litigious, all right? Send me a bill.
Ray: (reads Frank's business card) "Frank Bannister, Psychic Investigator"? How come you couldn't see the corner coming?

6. Old Lady Bradley: You don't know who my daughter is, do you? Patricia's not to be trusted.
Lucy: I beg your pardon?
Old Lady Bradley: I can have her locked up any time I want. They said she was an accessory after the fact. I know the truth. It was cold...blooded...murder.

7. Lucy: (sees young Patricia in a documentary about the Fairwater Sanatorium murders) That's her! I was in her house this afternoon.
Ray: Oh, that's terrific, honey. We've been in town for 3 months and you're making friends with the Manson family.

8. Judge: When a man's jawbone drops off, it's time to reassess the situation.

9. Frank: Persistent residue of the departed. Always a problem this time of year.

10. Ray: They shoulda fried her when they fried Bartlett.
Lucy: She was fifteen years old. You know, she just fell in love with the wrong guy. (pointed look) Could happen to anyone.

Guest Review: "Lone Hero"

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Lou Diamond Phillips plays a different sort of outlaw than we have seen him play before, a biker who heads up a gang of motorcycle misfits called the Iron Bandits. When we first meet the gang at their clubhouse in Idaho, the first thing Bart (Lou) and his boys do is kill a state trooper. (Note: Lou wears a very interesting pair of bright yellow boxer shorts with a Wal-Mart smiley face licking its chops on the front).

Bart meets our hero John (Sean Patrick Flanery) when the gang rolls into Profit, Montana. John works at the local pioneer reenactment village with his buddies and ex-girlfriend. With the help of another Iron Bandit, Bart robs the bar where John is getting a few drinks after a day of playing cowboy. The biker also nearly beats bartender Smoky to death and threatens John to keep his mouth shut.

Profit is so small that there are only two cops who John, our Wild West show bad guy and real life hero, calls once he cuffs the bikers with the help of a gun that shoots blanks. He's helped by ex-girlfriend Sharon, who is expecting to leave town soon to attend UCLA for the fall semester.

John is everyone's friend at the reenactment village until the Iron Bandits close in on the failing attraction, seeking revenge on behalf of their embarrassed leader. Smoky's friends just want to go on with their lives without any trouble.

John's closest friend is the park's grizzled trick shooter Gus, a guy with a shady past who gives our hero a hand shutting down the bad guys. Though fearless and intelligent, Bart is still a thug and must, in the end, be put down. Bart has killed cops. He almost killed Smoky and doesn't want to leave loose ends, namely John and Sharon.

Most of the movie involves John and Sharon trying to stay alive with Gus's help while the Iron Bandits try to wipe them off the face of the earth. The movie is a basic good prevails over evil tale, which leaves us with a sense of satisfaction. There are a lot of tense scenes that get your adrenaline pumping. Bart's continuous chatter also jangles the nerves.

No lawmen, a reluctant hero, a steadfast older friend, deck stacked against the good guys, and plenty of shooting. Good action, good emotional triggers for a low-budget movie. It leaves the viewer satisfied that all is right with the world.

"King Arthur: Legend of the Sword"

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Ever since I saw the first trailer, I've been eagerly anticipating this movie for two reasons. The first being my longtime crush on the crown prince of Charming, Charlie Hunnam. The second reason was its release date: May 12th, the day I would graduate with my RN degree. Watching shirtless Charlie bare-knuckle box and sword fight was my graduation gift to myself.

Guy Ritchie, director of the Robert Downey Jr. version of Sherlock Holmes, took a lot of poetic license with the original King Arthur story. I don't remember a morbidly obese octopus woman demanding human sacrifices in exchange for magical intervention. Merlin is conspicuously absent. Instead of noble knights, Charlie Hunnam's companions are a group of peasant misfits.

The plot itself borrows heavily from Shakespeare's Hamlet. Arthur was born the son of King Uther (how's that for a confusing name pair?). Uther's brother Vortigern (Jude Law) wanted the throne for himself and dabbled in black magic. When Arthur was a child, Vortigern murdered his parents.

Set adrift in a rowboat, young Arthur is found and taken in by a group of women who live and work in a brothel. Arthur starts off with simple chores like sweeping the floors and pouring drinks. By the time he's a teenager, he graduates to bouncing unruly customers who refuse to pay or beat up the girls.

Arthur is eventually captured and taken by boat to Vortigern's remote castle, along with dozens of other young men. Vortigern is desperately searching for the Born King, the only one who can pull the enchanted sword Excalibur from the stone and then challenge his rule. As anyone who's heard the original legend knows, the Born King is Arthur.

A further plot twist involves Excalibur itself. The sword possesses magical energy, which Arthur must learn to control. Helping him with this task is a hauntingly beautiful woman known only as The Mage. Arthur at first has no interest in power, but eventually accepts his destiny. The movie avoids the cliche of having Arthur fall in love with The Mage. According to legend, his one true love is Guinevere, a character who's also not in this version.

The writing, sense of humor, and even the score is much the same as Sherlock Holmes. The special effects and fight sequences are impressive. I had a small quibble with the way it was filmed, however. I saw a 2-D screening and it was glaringly obvious (sometimes to the point of distraction) which portions were meant to be in 3-D. The pacing could've been done better. The first 20-30 minutes are slow and contain almost no dialogue, which made me fear I made a terrible mistake deciding to watch it.

Is this movie as good as Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes? Not even close. Were the trailers misleading about the amount of shirtless Charlie Hunnam? A little. Is watching him kick ass with his sword and bare hands an entertaining way to spend two hours? Absolutely.

"I'm all about the chivalry, darlin'."
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Top 10 Quotes: "A Goofy Movie"

On this day in 1995, Disney released one of its most underrated animated movies. Catchy tunes like "Stand Out" and "After Today" make this a road trip you'll want to take again and again. It's tough to be cool when your dad is Goofy.

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1. Goofy: Hey, Maxie, let's play a game. You think of a name and I'll try and guess who it is. Man or woman?
Max: (groaning) Aw man.
Goofy: Man, huh? That's a toughie. Let's see...Walt Disney!
Max: (dully) Right.

2. Max: (increasingly nervous when Roxanne's hulking dad answers the door) Hi. Is Roxanne home? Oh, my name is Max. Does Roxanne live here? Does she even live on this block?

3. Goofy: There'll be plenty of time for parties when you're older, Maxie. Why, when I was your age, I'd never even been invited to a party. And look at me now!

4. Bobby: Look! It's the Leaning Tower of Cheese-a!

5. Pete: Taking a break from the MTV generation, huh? Can't say as I blame you. (jumps in the hot tub and half the water sloshes out) People are always puttin' too much water in these things.

6. Max: This is the stupidest vacation! You drag me from home and jam me in this dumb car and drive me a million miles away to see some stupid rat show!

7. Goofy: (trying to guilt Max after his initial refusal to go on the trip) All right then. Guess I'll just have to go all alone, that's all. Just sit in the boat...all alone. And talk to myself. All alone.
Max: (brightly) I guess so!

8. Pete: If you keep 'em under your thumb, they'll never end up in the gutter.

9. Max: (singing) Can someone call a taxi
And get me outta here
To Beverly Hills, 90210?

10. Goofy: (singing) Who deserves a hero's trophy
As we face each cat-a-strophe
Nobody else but you

Top 10 Quotes: "Goon"

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1. Doug: I think we both have a light in our stomachs. A special light...like E.T. And the team needs somebody to light the way. My stomach light needs your stomach light. We can all phone home together.

2. Rod: (after the singer butchers the national anthem) That was borderline treasonous and a disgrace to our nation and its proud and storied history.

3. Doug: Where's LaFlamme?
Gord: Probably giving a single mother herpes in a parking lot.

4. Eva: You make me wanna stop sleeping with a bunch of guys.
Doug: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

5. Gord: (while drunk) Do you know cats only meow when there are people around?

6. Ronnie: Tonight--good food, good women, good rest...not necessarily in that order.

7. (The team is trying to talk Doug into their supposed initiation ritual of getting his penis signed)
Oleg: It's not gay.
Evgeni: Not if you're brothers.
Marco: If you're brothers, it's gay with a fucking dash of somethin' else.

8. Doug: For once in my life, I'm actually a part of something. I get to wear a uniform that doesn't have "security" on it. Kids buy it and they wear it and it's got our name on it. Now for whatever reason, you guys think I'm smart enough to be a doctor or something. I have fist smarts. I can fight. I'm strong and I can protect people. That's who I am. That's what I do. And you should be proud of me.

9. Ronnie: Funny? As in "ha-ha" funny? Like flushing a $5 million contract up your nose funny? Or funny as in "peculiar," like Doug here?

10. Marco: Two rules: Don't touch my Percocets. And do you have any fucking Percocets?

"True Memoirs of an International Assassin"

Sam Larson (Kevin James) lives an average life working 9-5 for an insurance company. However, his alter ego Mason Carver AKA the Ghost spends his days taking out high-profile targets. Sam's novel Memoirs of an International Assassin is heavily based on his elderly friend Amos' career with the Mossad. After a lot of rejection letters, Sam finds a company that's willing to publish his book. However, International Assassin is released as nonfiction.

Sam is kidnapped and finds himself in Venezuela. A rebel group, having read and believed his story, hires him to kill the country's president. Sam is reluctant at first, but is drawn in by the beautiful and mysterious Rosa (Zulay Henao). He accidentally meets with one of the president's top advisers, who gives Sam a contract to assassinate Anton Masovich, a flamboyant Russian drug lord.

I found Kevin James to be pretty believable as the likable, bumbling writer who's suddenly thrust into real matters of life and death. Rosa grated on my nerves a bit. Kim Coates, Tig of Sons of Anarchy fame, has what amounts to a cameo role as Presidente Cueto. Even though there's a lack of screen time, you never fail to notice his presence. El Presidente also has some of the best one-liners in the movie.  

The plot and writing style is best described as Tropic Thunder goes James Bond (a shorter, somewhat weaker version). But unlike Ben Stiller's character in that movie, Sam is aware that he's not the Ghost and is completely out of his element.

True Memoirs is only available on Netflix. I recommend it for light viewing, a lot of laughs, and Kim Coates. Music fans might also enjoy trying to pick out what songs have been changed from their original English.

So I Finally Watched "Elf"

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For the last 13 Christmases, I have purposely avoided this movie. I liked Will Ferrell in the Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson version of Starsky and Hutch and that's it. Something about the guy has just always rubbed me the wrong way. I thought I got weird looks when I said I've never watched a single Star Wars movie all the way through; that's nothing compared to how people reacted when I admitted to never seeing a single moment of Elf. I went into this review with gritted teeth and low expectations.

The premise is simple: While Santa is delivering gifts to the residents of an orphanage, a baby stows away in the bag of toys. The baby ends up at the North Pole, where Papa Elf (Bob Newhart) volunteers to raise him. Buddy (Will Ferrell) grows up making toys and apprenticing Papa as a sleigh mechanic. It only takes 30+ years for Buddy to realize he's much bigger than the elves. Papa tells Buddy the truth about being adopted. Buddy's birth father Walter (James Caan) lives in New York City and Buddy sets off to meet him.

Walter doesn't know what to make of Buddy at first. In fact, he has no idea that a child other than his preteen son Michael even exists. In college, Walter was involved with a fellow student named Susan; she became pregnant, didn't tell Walter, and gave their baby up for adoption. 

For his part, Buddy has wacky misunderstandings about human culture and has a meet-cute with Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), a department store elf.

Is Elf as good as other Christmas family comedies such as Home Alone or Jingle All the Way? No. Is it worth seeing? Yes. It's pure fluff and Christmas magic all the way through. I especially enjoyed all the references to the 1964 classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in the opening scenes. Jovie and Buddy are a cute couple. It was interesting to see Sonny Corleone's adopted child on the other side of the adoption scenario.

While I smiled and laughed a lot, this scene is probably my favorite:

Merry Christmas to all!

Guest Review: "Road House"

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Lots of bare butts and violence, but the eye candy is unrivaled. Just Patrick Swayze, but he is enough. Patrick makes the whole movie run smoothly and seem realistic. By the time they got to the tai chi part, I was ready to sign up for a class.

The rich guy Brad Westley, his sycophantic nephew Jimmy, and their henchmen made a hobby out of extortion just because they were bored. An old guy named Red lost his home and auto parts store because he refused to pay the protection money. Brad and Jimmy just happened to not like him because his niece was the fair Elizabeth, Jimmy's former girlfriend. Elizabeth left him to become a doctor, then moved back to town to keep an eye on her elderly uncle as well as practice medicine.

The other bouncers didn't really want to do their jobs. They were afraid of the rowdy men and unwilling to get the skanky chicks to stop their dirty dancing. The bartender padded his paycheck through theft and wasn't happy about being caught; he resented being called a thief, even though he was one.

Patrick Swayze made handling that '65 Buick Riviera look like race car driving. In this movie, I noticed he had a bit of an Elvis complex. He gave Emmett his Mercedes to cover the rent. He had a power mullet and butt-kicking boots, though not as fancy as the guy who had razors embedded in the toes of his.

The romance between Elizabeth and Patrick's character Dalton was speeding along like a bullet train, but got derailed when Dalton ripped out Jimmy's windpipe with his bare hands in front of her. Jimmy had made homosexual advances on Dalton like those he'd made in prison.

What other movie could score with bad dancing, bad singing, and a no-good bartender, wait staff, and bouncers?

True Courage: Patrick Swayze and Diane Endler

This week marks the 7th anniversary of Patrick Swayze's death. Though I never had the opportunity to meet him, his battle with pancreatic cancer both touched and broke my heart. Interviews with him at the time left me in tears. Patrick's calm demeanor and unwavering optimism reminded me so much of my beloved grandma, who suffered so horribly from the same illness. This year marks the 10th anniversary of losing her.

My mom's mom, Diane, is someone I've referred to in prior posts. She was one of the gentlest, most unselfish human beings I've ever had the honor of knowing. Grandma took care of me through some of the best and worst experiences of my life. She reinforced things my mom taught me about how to be a good friend and a good person. She was a devout Catholic and in many ways very conservative, but she still had a wicked sense of humor. For example, she liked to refer to the movie Young Guns as Young Buns. She'd drive around running errands while listening to one of my Aerosmith or Bon Jovi CDs.

Grandma was also my TV buddy. I remember her letting me stay up late to watch Walker and Alex get married on Walker, Texas Ranger. Her favorite cartoon was Hey Arnold! When I was in middle school, she decided I was old enough to watch CSI and Without a Trace with her. Every Thursday, I knew there would be extra-butter popcorn in my future and the fun of seeing which of us could solve the mystery first.

In early 2006, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer after feeling rather ill for several months. My family and I were all extremely concerned. I vividly remember sobbing in her arms as she stroked my hair and said, "Don't you worry, sweetpea. I'm gonna fight this. I'm gonna fight this as hard as I can. I'm not giving up." What none of us knew at the time was the survivability rate, that it was a death sentence.

Grandma's condition worsened as the weeks went on. No matter how much pain she was in, she never complained. She was still determined to do things for her family. As a child, she'd promised me diamond jewelry for my Sweet 16. That date was drawing closer and the diamond was the furthest thing from my mind.

When I got home from school on my Sweet 16, I went to Grandma's house like I did every day. I got I don't know what all from my grandparents that year. The last gift my grandma handed me was a jeweler's box. I opened the lid and gasped. Inside was a golden horseshoe on a chain; the horseshoe's border was edged with tiny diamonds. Back then, I was an avid trail rider with my own horse: Little Man.

I immediately burst into tears and gave Granny the biggest hug I could without hurting her. Even though she was so sick, she fastened the chain around my neck. The next month, May 2006, is when her battle with cancer mercifully ended.

I haven't completely recovered from the loss. I sometimes doubt I ever will because she was such a huge part of my life. In the past decade, I've only taken my horseshoe off a handful of times. It's been joined on its chain by a college graduation gift from my mom: a medal of my favorite saint: Saint Michael. I pray that one day there's a cure so no one will have to watch their loved ones go through what can only be described as hell on earth.

Gone but not forgotten. Diane Endler (1937-2006)

Top 10 Quotes: "Anastasia"

Today would've been my grandma Diane's 79th birthday. She was one of the kindest, most unselfish people I ever knew. I was lucky enough that I grew up 5 minutes from her house; she practically raised me while my parents were working. We loved to watch movies together and even when I got older, Anastasia was still one of our favorites. I suppose it was because we related so well to the bond Anastasia had with her grandmother Marie. It seems only fitting to post this in her honor.

1. Dowager Empress Marie: "You were the boy, weren't you? The servant boy who got us out. You saved her life and mine and you restored her to me. And yet you want no reward."

2. Anastasia: "Do you really think I'm royalty?"
Dmitri: "You know I do."
Anastasia: "Then stop bossing me around!"

3. Bartok: "You should really watch your blood pressure. My nephew Izzy, he just keeled over one day, mid-mango. And he's a fruit bat, sir. No meat, no bloody."

4. Vlad: "It's what I hate about this government. Everything's in red."

5. [Anastasia is looking inside an ugly dress Dmitri bought her]
Dmitri: "What are you looking for?"
Anastasia: "The Russian Circus. I think it's still in here!"

6. Vlad: "I see an engaging and fiery young woman, who on on a number of occasions has show a regal command equal to any royal in the world. And I have known my share of royalty. You see, I was a member of the Imperial Court."

7. Anastasia: "'Go left,' she says. I know what's to the left. I'll be Anya the Orphan forever."

8. Bartok: "Is this the face of a bat who would lie to you?"

9. Anastasia: "It's kind of hard to think of yourself as a duchess when you're sleeping on a damp floor. But, sure, yeah, I guess every lonely girl would hope she's a princess."

10. Dowager Empress Marie: "Knowing that you are alive, seeing the woman you've become brings me joy I never thought I could feel again."

I love you forever, Grandmama.

Top 10 Quotes: "Point Break (1991)"

1. Bodhi: "Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true."

2. Pappas: "Listen, you snotnosed little shit, I was takin' shrapnel in Khe Sahn while you were crappin' in your hands and rubbin' it on your face!"

3. Harp: "You know nothing. In fact, you know less than nothing. If you knew that you knew nothing, that would be something, but you don't."

4. Roach: (while disguised as President Nixon during a bank robbery) "I am not a crook!"

5. Bodhi: "Little hand says it's time to rock and roll."

6. Johnny: "This is your fucking wakeup call, man! I am an F! B! I! Agent!"

7. Harp: "Special Agent Utah, this is not some job flipping burgers at the local drive-in. Yes, the surfboard bothers me. Yes, your approach to this whole damn case bothers me. And yes, YOU BOTHER ME!"

8. 15: "It's never too late. A lotta guys your age are learning to surf."
Johnny: "I'm 25."

9. Pappas: "Last time you had a feeling, I had to kill a guy...and I hate that! It looks bad on my report."

10. Johnny: "You crossed the line. People trusted you and they died. You gotta go down."

"Few Options"

In 1987, Frank Conner made the biggest, dumbest mistake of his life: driving a carload of cocaine across several states. He got pulled over by the highway patrol and sent to Terminal Island for possession with intent. 22 years later, the California Department of Corrections is over budget and overpopulated. Frank's name comes up in a lottery, meaning he'll be released 13 months early. He'll be completely on his own, no probation or parole officer to report to. Unfortunately, early release turns out to be Frank's only bit of good luck.

With a pillowcase of belongings and $157.32 to his name from years of pressing license plates, Frank pays a visit to his cousin Don, who had promised to help Frank get back on his feet. Don hasn't written to Frank in 5 years and is surprised when he turns up on his doorstep. Don is now married and his wife doesn't want Frank in the house. He agrees to let Frank live in the garage as long as he makes no noise, doesn't let the neighbors see him, and generally pretends not to exist. He can't even come in the house to shower unless Don and his wife are at work.

Frank, having nowhere else to go, agrees to the living situation. He wants to hit the job trail, but for that he needs his driver's license and Social Security card, which he left with his mother when he got locked up. Don has more bad news; Frank's mom Martha had a debilitating stroke and is in a nursing home. There's a box that belonged to her in the garage. Frank digs through it and finds everything but what he needs: costume jewelry, his high school diploma, and old family photo albums.

The next morning, Frank goes to the DMV and Social Security office. They can't issue one card without the other. They'll accept a notarized letter with his picture on it from the prison, but it'll take 10 business days to arrive. Frank desperately needs to find a job so he can save up for his own place. He buys a suit from a thrift store and goes on several unsuccessful interviews. Frank's old friend Russ comes to visit with an employment opportunity: security guard at a strip club. The owner doesn't care that Frank doesn't have a driver's license or Social Security card; they'll pay him cash under the table.

Frank goes from security guard to chauffeur when Helen, a failed actress-turned stripper/prostitute, needs a ride to a private client's house. When she's done, er, entertaining, Frank drives her home. Drunk and high on cocaine, Helen makes aggressive sexual advances. Frank gallantly refuses to take advantage of a woman who's intoxicated. The two soon strike up a relationship, though Frank is socially awkward as hell having spent 22 years without female contact.

Frank eventually learns that the strip club is owned by Chris, the cocaine dealer who sent Frank on the drug run. Frank didn't rat on Chris because Chris had threatened to kill his parents. Chris is still pissed about the shipment he lost; however, he's willing to forgive Frank's debt if Frank will do something else that's highly illegal. The rest of the movie focuses on Frank trying to adjust to 21st century life and deciding whether or not to go through with what Chris wants.

Casting a main character with Frank's background is tricky: somebody you can empathize with but doesn't go "oh woe is me, I went to prison for drugs; it's not like I killed anybody!" Frank, the ex-con with a heart of gold, is played by Kenny Johnson. Kenny's turn as conflicted Detective Curtis Lemansky on The Shield made him perfect in this role. Not to mention it makes the scenes where Frank mopes around in a wifebeater very aesthetically pleasing.

Helen, played by Erin Daniels, isn't quite as sympathetic a character as Frank, but the two make a reasonably cute couple. Kenny is joined by fellow Shield alumni David Marciano as strip club manager Russ.

Even with an unsatisfying ending, Few Options is still a nice little indie drama.

Photo credit

"Captain America: Civil War"

This is a rather difficult movie to review; there's not much anyone can say about it without major spoilers. Essentially, the plot is that an Avengers mission goes sideways and results in massive civilian casualties, including an African king. The UN gets involved and doesn't believe the Avengers should be able to operate independently; a binding resolution should control when, where, and if they deploy. Tony Stark AKA Iron Man thinks it's their best chance at being able to keep operating; others agree, including War Machine and Black Widow. Steve Rogers AKA Captain America is opposed to this binding resolution, as are Falcon and his bestie Bucky Barnes AKA the Winter Solider.

The performances by all the actors involved almost make up for the borefest that was last summer's Age of Ultron. There's betrayal, intrigue, and buried secrets around almost every corner. The strongest cast members this time out are Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr., which of course makes sense due to the plot being all about their blood feud. That's about as much detail as I can give about the storyline itself. Here are a few other random observations:

• Seriously, who thought it was a good idea to name the African superhero the Black Panther? That name has pretty negative connotations associated with it. I understand that may have been the character's name in the original Marvel comics, but changing it would have been a good idea.
•  After whiny Tobey Maguire and the sucktastic Amazing Spider-Man movies, I developed a deep and serious dislike of that character. Tom Holland makes an appearance as Peter Parker. Socially awkward Spider-Man was much more relateable and sympathetic. He also had some genuinely funny one-liners. This kid made me want to see the new Spider-Man reboot when it comes out.
• Vision is freaking creepy as hell.
• I still haven't forgiven Scarlet Witch for the terrible hallucinations/flashbacks she made all the Avengers have in Age of Ultron. Those characters, oddly, don't seem to be holding even the slightest grudge. She's living with them in the Avengers compound now.
• After rolling my eyes at the trailers and refusing to see Ant-Man, I found myself liking his character. I might even watch his stand-alone movie now.
• There are two post-credits scenes, the first one of which is kind of emotionally traumatic.
• It's good to see Marisa Tomei back on screen again, this time as Peter's Aunt May.
• I hope to God that Deadpool never appears in an Avengers movie. The character is such a repulsive tool (and I've only seen trailers for that movie).

Photo credit: http://cdn1-www.superherohype.com/assets/uploads/gallery/captain-america-civil-war/ccghrbdxiaeu49d.jpg

Comic Con: Round Two

A few weekends ago, I returned to my local comic convention; this time, with company. My cousins, ages 19 and 18, are fellow lovers of all things nerdy. The con fell during spring break, so I decided we could make a family vacation out of it. I secured us VIP passes and an onsite hotel. We spent weeks counting down until the con.

Our primary reason for attending this year concerned two of the celebrity guests: Kevin McNally and Walton Goggins. Kevin played Jack Sparrow's best friend/ex-Royal Navy sailor Mr. Gibbs in the Pirates of the Caribbean series. He also appeared in Season 7 of Supernatural as conspiracy theorist, Leviathan-tracking computer whiz Frank Devereux. Walton Goggins is best known for his starring roles on 3 different FX series:

• Transsexual Venus Van Damme on Sons of Anarchy
• Southern-fried Detective Shane Vendrell on The Shield
• Raylan Givens' coal mining buddy and Gulf War vet-turned Harlan County crime kingpin Boyd Crowder on Justified

My cousins and I never missed an episode of Justified during its run. I binge-watched my way through The Shield in a matter of less than 3 months. I was apprehensive going into the con, as last year Ryan Hurst canceled at the last minute. Fortunately, Tommy Flanagan stepped in, so I was still able to meet one of the Redwood Originals.

Had you been with us the moment we first stepped onto the con floor, you would have heard my cousin Michelle and I cry out, "BABY!" A restored jet-black 1967 Impala was parked at the entrance, an old green cooler sitting by the back tire. Michelle, proudly sporting her Team Sam shirt, was overjoyed at getting to sit behind the wheel of the Winchesters' ride. As a Dean girl, so was I!

It was time for our scheduled photo op with Kevin McNally, so Michelle and I made our way to the photo op room. We got checked in and shown to the correct line. One of the con staffers actually had to go track Kevin down, because the guy had no idea anyone had scheduled a photo with him. Throughout our wait, we remained the only two in line. I was first. I nervously told him what a big Pirates fan I am. Kevin smiled and said, "Arrr! Let's do a pirate fist bump!"

Later, we went to his booth for autographs. I mentioned how we'd enjoyed his turn on Supernatural. He jokingly asked, "Did you wonder 'How did that guy get another job?'" He told Michelle and I we were lovely little dears and thanked us for watching his work. With a flourish, he signed both of our Pirates posters with the message "Keep to the code." Throughout the course of the convention, we'd occasionally spot Kevin roaming the floor and people-watching. He always gave us a smile and a friendly wave. Oddly, no one ever seemed to recognize him. Maybe it was due to the fact he shaved off his signature pirate beard.

The next afternoon was our meeting with Boyd Crowder himself. I donned my SOA bandanna and my new Farmington Strike Team shirt. There were a lot more people in line to meet Walton than Kevin. My cousin and I were standing there talking to the people in front of us when, out of nowhere, Walton popped out from around the corner of the photo set. "HOW ARE YOU DOIN', KENTUCKY?" he bellowed, scaring both of us out of our skins.

Walton's question was greeted by a round of screams and applause. There he was: the tall lanky country boy with cockatoo hair and skinny jeans, exactly how he looked on Justified. Though neither of us find Walton physically attractive, Michelle and I both became increasingly giggly and nervous as the line dwindled. Once again, I was first.

"Hey, baby, how are you?" Walton said, pulling me into a one-armed side hug. "And what is that on your shirt, darlin'?" He slowly read, "Farmington District Strike Team." He laughed and said something to the effect of "How 'bout that?" He thanked me when I mentioned that I loved his work as Boyd and Shane.

Later that afternoon, we went to his autograph booth. My dad told me that if I met Walton, I had to tell him about our adventure to Harlan. A few years back, we made a 3-hour drive to see an exhibit of Justified memorabilia that turned out to be the size of a small china cabinet. When I related this tale to Walton, his jaw dropped and I thought his eyes would pop out of his head. "Oh, darlin', I am so sorry!" he kept repeating. He wrote on my poster: "Hope this makes up for that LAME trip."

Michelle was next in line. Walton smiled and said, "I remember you!" She's very shy and turned bright red. Walton noticed I was standing next to her and asked if we were touring the convention together. I nodded, explaining that we were cousins and how I had arranged the Comic Con trip as a spring break/family vacation. "You are so sweet!" Walton said. Michelle managed to tell him how much she liked him on Justified. He signed her poster with Boyd's famous quote: "Fire in the hole!"

My cousins and I were lucky enough to get front-row-center seats at Walton's panel the next morning. It turned out this was his first comic convention, so he wasn't sure how the whole thing was supposed to work. Every time someone caught "the question cube", he'd remark, "Kentucky basketball!" I was lucky enough to grab the cube once. I asked if he had any favorite onset memories from his days on FX.

I expected to hear about some shenanigans involving Timothy Olyphant. What I got instead was one about his days as Venus Van Damme. His last day on that shoot, he basically dared the entire cast of SOA to feel up his fake boobs....and they did. In the panel, Walton came off as a very kind, articulate, funny guy. His takeaway message for us convention-goers was: "Love transcends everything. And that's not a song, folks, that's the fuckin' truth."

Me and Walton

"Driver picks the music."-Dean Winchester

Kevin McNally's autograph: "Keep to the code"

Captain America!

OMG, I fist-bumped Mr. Gibbs!

Walton signed my box set too!

Guest Review: "Witness"

Harrison Ford plays a cop protecting an Amish woman and her son after the son witnesses a murder that takes place in a Philadelphia train station. The Amish woman and her son are expecting a brief sojourn into the English world while waiting for a train to Baltimore. Rachel has lost her husband and is hoping she and her son can heal while visiting her sister's community. After Samuel visits the men's room and witnesses the murder of a policeman, mother and son visit the police station, where Samuel fingers a dirty cop as the perp. Now the good guys are in trouble. 

Harrison's character, John Book, is a detective who tries to keep track of the young witness and keep him and his mother from being harmed. John is shot before he can return mother and son to their community. John spends a couple of days naked and delirious in Rachel's house under her care.

Once he is well, John is asked by Rachel's father Eli to help around the place. John's first job is cow milking at 4 A.M. He does okay with that after a fashion. 

Speaking of fashion, the milking hat is an exquisite piece of finery obviously meant to humble the wearer. Though none of the hats in this movie come anywhere near the handsomeness of the fedora in Indiana Jones, the milking hat is in a class all its own. I guess the point of Amish hats is to prove useful to the wearer while evoking neither lust in the observer nor vanity in the wearer.

John Book himself fits in pretty well after a while. He has useful carpentry skills that wow the plain, simple Rachel and gain him some measure of respect among the Amish, even with Daniel, his rival for Rachel's affection.

John has a good relationship with Rachel's family until the fateful night of the thunderstorm when she lets him catch her bathing. He musters up the strength to resist temptation by keeping focused on his mission and the differences between their worlds. While fixing his car, John's resolve slips and he shows Rachel how to dance to music on his car radio. He's no Patrick Swayze, but Rachel's community doesn't seem to know about dancing, so he looks pretty good.

The gun becomes a problem when the dirty cops from the English world figure out how to track John down in the Amish world. All the dirty cops ended up dead and John had to leave because he'd brought so much violence to the community. I don't think John missed Rachel and Samuel half as much as he missed getting up at 4 A.M. to put on that beautiful milking cap to milk old Bessie.

"Murder in the First" (1995)

I was never interested in the sorts of things most young children, especially girls, would find remotely appealing. Case in point: I was about nine, spending a Sunday afternoon with my grandma . We were watching the Discovery Channel and a special came on, called “Public Enemies on The Rock,” a documentary about the history of Alcatraz and its infamous menagerie of inmates. I sat, riveted, listening to former guards and inmates tell stories of Al Capone, “Machine Gun” Kelly, Alvin “Creepy” Karpis, and daring escape attempts. I had never heard of these men or the prison before, but something about them and Alcatraz itself fascinated me. Over the next year, I watched more documentaries and read about a dozen books on the subject. Most of these reiterated information I already knew, so I quickly lost interest.

At a local video store recently, I stumbled upon this title. The tagline on the box proclaimed: “Based on the true story of the trial that brought down Alcatraz.” I ran through my mental file of Alcatraz lore. Nothing I had previously read or seen had mentioned anything about the prison being involved in any kind of lawsuit. 

Murder in the First is based on the trial of Henri Young. He was part of a group who tried to break out of Alcatraz in 1938, the famous escape attempt that resulted in the death of “Doc” Barker. Rufus McCain, one of the prisoners involved, tipped the guards off about the escape attempt and told them that Henri was the mastermind. Henri’s punishment was a stay in a basement dungeon that was used for solitary confinement when D Block got too crowded. At the time, federal law stated that a prisoner could be sentenced to solitary confinement for a maximum of 19 days; Henri was kept in the dungeon for 3 straight years. The guards beat him regularly and the assistant warden cut his Achilles tendons with a straight razor, leaving Henri partially crippled for life.

After 3 years, the assistant warden decided that Henri had learned his lesson. He was allowed to shower, taken to the prison barber for a shave and a haircut, and then escorted to the prison cafeteria. While Henri was eating, one of the other inmates told him that Rufus McCain was the reason Henri had been sent to the dungeon. Somewhere during his long stay in solitary, Henri had totally lost his mind, so he ran across the cafeteria and stabbed McCain in the neck with a spoon. McCain died instantly and Henri was charged with first-degree murder. The rest of the movie deals with the trial.

           

This movie features (what was for the mid-1990s) an A-list cast: Kevin Bacon, Gary Oldman, and Christian Slater. R. Lee Ermey, who played the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket, plays the judge. Kyra Sedgwick from that crappy TV show The Closer makes sort of a cameo appearance as a court reporter who must be tragically underpaid. (Watch the movie and you’ll understand what I mean).

Christian Slater plays James Stamphill, a Harvard Law graduate who now works for the public defender in San Francisco. James is fresh out of law school and frustrated because he hasn’t gotten to go to court yet. His boss assigns him the Henri Young case; he figures James won’t win, but at least he’ll get some experience as a trial attorney.

I’ve seen a few other Christian Slater movies. In most of them, the characters he played were very unlikeable, so I had no sympathy for them. Whatever happened to them, they deserved it, end of story. James Stamphill is not one of those characters. James doesn’t defend Henri because he’ll get a fat paycheck. He doesn’t defend Henri because the cute legal secretary down the hall says she’ll sleep with him after he tries his first case, whether he wins or loses. James defends Henri because he is horrified that three years of “rehabilitation” turned a petty criminal into a murdering nutcase and wants to make sure the guards are not allowed to treat any other prisoners in such an inhumane fashion.

Henri was played by Kevin Bacon. He seemed “into” this role, so I found it easy to react to what was happening to his character. In a scene where he cries on the stand and says he’d rather be executed than go back to Alcatraz because of what the guards did to him, it’s hard not to feel sorry for him. When Henri did strange or creepy things, I started to think maybe Kevin Bacon wasn’t acting.

I was startled when I did some research online and learned that Kevin Bacon wasn’t even considered for a Best Actor Oscar. I mean, look at Anthony Hopkins and Jack Nicholson. They both received Best Actor for playing psychopathic killers. Maybe the role of Henri Young didn’t count because Henri wasn’t crazy to start with?

Looking at the facts of the case from a 21^st-century perspective, I am surprised there was even a trial at all. During the 1930s and 1940s, inmates who killed other inmates were usually handled internally by the warden of the prison where the crime took place. A couple of weeks in solitary and several years added to the murderer’s sentence was the usual punishment. The life of a fellow inmate just wasn’t worth the hassle and expense of a public trial; those usually happened only if an inmate killed a guard. I suppose an exception was made in the Henri Young case because the murder took place on Alcatraz, which was federal property.

This movie isn’t for everyone. It’s not something you watch to be entertained. You watch it maybe because you enjoy the historical aspect of it or you find the legal aspect interesting or you just like movies with human drama and emotion. Even though it doesn’t end all that happily, you can still turn the DVD off feeling satisfied. I highly recommend it.

Guest Review: "Sleepy Hollow"

(source)

Washington Irving's "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" was turned into an even stranger tale at the hands of Tim Burton! Brom Bones ends up getting whacked in both the book and the movie for making fun of the Headless Horseman.

In the book, Ichabod Crane was a schoolteacher, an ugly, unappealing schoolteacher at that. In this movie, Johnny Depp was neither ugly nor unappealing nor a schoolteacher. Instead, Ichabod was a Goth-looking Sherlock Holmes type detective. He was intelligent and much more appealing than the original character.

Katrina Van Tassel wasn't a witch in the original book or movie. She was cast as a sort of good witch, the counterpoint to her stepmother's evil witch character. The evil stepmother was a bit too Cinderella for me with a bit of Snow White thrown in because the Evil Queen was also a witch. There wasn't a stepmother in the book nor any living Mrs. Van Tassel. As far as I recall, Mr. Van Tassel was a widower who stayed that way.

The book and movie both give the same reason for the Headless Horseman's behavior: the misplacement of his own head. After the Horseman was beheaded during the American Revolutionary War, someone buried him with his head away from his body. He became a sort of pathetic but frightening restless spirit traveling around in search of his head and avenging himself on people who still have theirs.

Very creepy take on an old tale, especially the finding of the head collection under the roots of a very old tree.

"Vacation (2015)"

Remaking a classic movie that so many people love and quote is a very risky idea. I tried to keep an open mind, figuring it wouldn't surpass the original but might be a fun new take on the story. The premise is that an adult Rusty, now an airline pilot, wants to take his family on a cross-country road trip to Walley World. His wife Debbie and sons Kevin and James do not want any part of this adventure. With a foreign made rental car called the Prancer standing in for the Family Truckster, the Griswolds hit the road.

Along the way, they stop at Debbie's alma mater Memphis State and visit her old sorority Tri-Pi. Rusty learns that his wife's sorority nickname was Debbie Do Anything. In Texas, they visit Audrey, who is now living on a ranch and married to a local weatherman played by Chris Hemsworth AKA Thor. There are a lot of shenanigans that happen in between Chicago and Walley World.

The good: Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo make a cameo appearance near the end. Christina Applegate as Debbie is a great Ellen to Rusty's Clark. Walley World still looks like a cool place. I thought Rusty's scrapbook spanning all the various movies was a nice touch.

The bad: This movie is guilty of showing the majority of the funniest scenes in the trailer. The actors who played Rusty's sons were obnoxious, which makes it very difficult to enjoy the movie since they're in almost every scene; the younger brother mercilessly bullies the older one. Self-aware jokes like "This will be different. In the original vacation, there was a boy and a girl. We have two boys."

Stick to the Chevy Chase version.