2017: Year In Review

After a long hiatus for which I have no excuse, Shortstack is back! Overall, last year was a pretty good one for pop culture. Here's a summary of where my love for it took me this year:

Movies:
I went to my local theater a lot last year. What I didn't catch in theaters, I saw via Redbox. My brief impressions of everything I saw.

• Power Rangers: Didn't quite live up to my memories of the original from the 1990's, but it wasn't unwatchable.
• CHIPS: Still can't believe I watched the whole thing; no wonder Erik Estrada wanted nothing to do with it.
• King Arthur--Legend of the Sword: Came out the day I graduated nursing school, so I dragged my boyfriend and family to the theater after the ceremony. Extremely disappointing, even though Charlie Hunnam was frequently shirtless.
• Kong--Skull Island: Absolutely loved it.
• Wonder Woman: Boyfriend Redboxed it. Pretty good, but I still prefer MCU.
• Dead Again In Tombstone: Another Redbox find. I love Danny Trejo, but found it hard to keep track of what the hell was happening.
• Ingrid Goes West: Aubrey Plaza at her darkly comedic best.
• Guardians of the Galaxy--Volume 2: Endlessly quotable with a kick-ass soundtrack and A+ casting in Kurt Russell as Peter Quill's estranged father.
• Star Wars--The Last Jedi: Boyfriend took me. Prior to this, I'd never seen a Star Wars movie all the way through and had zero interest in doing so. I spent the rest of that weekend binging the original trilogy (not gonna lie, the Porgs helped).
• Spider-Man--Homecoming: Tom Holland is 1,000% more likable than Andrew Garfield or Tobey Maguire.
• Logan: The ending made me bawl in the theater.
• Thor--Ragnarok: It's rare for a sequel to be almost better than the original. Really enjoyed the Hemsworth/Ruffalo bromance.
• Kingsman--The Golden Circle: Elton John's performance alone was worth the price of admission. A worthy follow-up to The Secret Service. Although I'm not happy they killed JB.

TV:

• After 6 amazing seasons, Longmire had its last roundup. Walt and Vic (finally) hooked up and admitted their feelings for each other. Henry got the happy ending he deserved. 
• Bates Motel also ended with the expected amount of murder and mayhem. (RIP to yet another Kenny Johnson character, the incestuous Caleb Calhoun). The last man standing in the Bates clan was Norman's illegitimate half-brother Dylan.
• Kenny Johnson wasn't gone from TV for long before being cast in the revival of S.W.A.T. as team driver and third-generation SWAT cop Dominique Luca. Add in Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds and you have a recipe for sexiness. There's also solid writing by The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan.
• Sneaky Pete, Amazon's original series starring Giovanni Ribisi as a charming con artist quickly became something I recommended to all my friends.
• Santa Clarita Diet. Though I am by no means a fan of the zombie genre, I couldn't resist after hearing Timothy Olyphant was attached to it. He and Drew Barrymore are fantastically hilarious as husband and wife trying to cope with Drew's sudden appetite for human flesh.
• Vice Principals had a solid series finale. I only wish there was more of Walton Goggins as the delightfully foulmouthed and psychotic Lee Russell to look forward to.

Celebrity Encounters: 

Golly days, it might be easier to list who I didn't meet last year. My local comic con, though in a midsize Southern city, attracts some high-profile talent.

• Theo Rossi AKA Juice from Sons of Anarchy and Shades from Luke Cage. "How you doin', doll?" the first thing he said to me in that New York accent made my knees go weak. I told him Juice was in my top 5 favorite Sons and he asked who else. I listed off Jax (of course), Opie, Chibs, and Kozik. "Really?" said Theo, "I don't hear a lotta people say that." Turns out he's also a big Shield fan and Lem was his favorite character too.
• Robin Lord Taylor AKA Penguin from Gotham. My cousin and I both cosplayed as Penguinettes (complete with Cobblepot for Mayor buttons), which he thought was absolutely adorable. He was so flattered I have a cat named Oswald that he almost cried. 
• Jeffrey Dean Morgan. At an absolutely disastrous out-of-state con, measures meant to cut wait time made it worse. My cousin and I waited 4 hours (!!!!). When he heard how long we'd been waiting, Jeffrey said, "Fuck! I'm sorry, girls" and hugged us both.
• Dee Wallace AKA Patricia of The Frighteners. Very sweet, mild-mannered little old lady. She did a guest role on Supernatural and gleefully described Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles as "yummy."
• Traci Lords AKA Wanda from Cry-Baby and a vampiress in Blade. And also porn, per my dad. When I brought up Blade, she said, "That heatseeker guy [Kenny Johnson] was actually like super-nice? I don't know what happened to him? I think he's on some cop show now..." 
• Walter Jones AKA the original Black Power Ranger and Rondell Robinson from The Shield. Told him I was a huge Power Rangers fan growing up, but I really liked him as Rondell. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed, "I was a beast on that show!" Walter danced me around his booth to "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing" by Stevie Wonder, making him one of my more memorable con meetings.
• Danny Trejo. I love Con-Air, so I wore a fake cop badge and an Air Marshals Put the Bunny in the Box shirt to meet him. I also carried around a pink stuffed bunny in a box labeled POE. Danny's first question was, "What's with the bunny?" I told him what I was referencing.
  He laughed and smiled, telling me this was the first time anybody had ever thought of bringing a Con-Air bunny. He asked where I got my shirt so he could get one just like it. Danny also insisted on the bunny being in the picture and signed the shoe box as Johnny-23, his character from the movie.

2018 is already shaping up to be good. Got some fun plans in the works and will update my blog more often. 

Top 10 Quotes: "The Frighteners"

Wow, have I neglected this blog! Life as a new nurse has gotten in the way. Coming back with this slightly late Halloween-themed post.

(Image credit)

1. Milton: You are violating my territorial bubble!

2. Cyrus: I could complain too, ya know. I would like some new clothes. You get to dress nice. Here I am still looking like Linc from The Mod Squad.
Frank: You died in the '70s. It's a bummer.

3. Ray: (after Frank runs over one of his lawn gnomes) My Budzo! I've got your license plate number, you bastard!

4. Cyrus: Ah, the old express bus to hell. No lines, no waiting.

5. Ray: I'm gonna sue your ass!
Frank: Let's not get litigious, all right? Send me a bill.
Ray: (reads Frank's business card) "Frank Bannister, Psychic Investigator"? How come you couldn't see the corner coming?

6. Old Lady Bradley: You don't know who my daughter is, do you? Patricia's not to be trusted.
Lucy: I beg your pardon?
Old Lady Bradley: I can have her locked up any time I want. They said she was an accessory after the fact. I know the truth. It was cold...blooded...murder.

7. Lucy: (sees young Patricia in a documentary about the Fairwater Sanatorium murders) That's her! I was in her house this afternoon.
Ray: Oh, that's terrific, honey. We've been in town for 3 months and you're making friends with the Manson family.

8. Judge: When a man's jawbone drops off, it's time to reassess the situation.

9. Frank: Persistent residue of the departed. Always a problem this time of year.

10. Ray: They shoulda fried her when they fried Bartlett.
Lucy: She was fifteen years old. You know, she just fell in love with the wrong guy. (pointed look) Could happen to anyone.

Top 10 Quotes: "Goon"

(Image credit)

1. Doug: I think we both have a light in our stomachs. A special light...like E.T. And the team needs somebody to light the way. My stomach light needs your stomach light. We can all phone home together.

2. Rod: (after the singer butchers the national anthem) That was borderline treasonous and a disgrace to our nation and its proud and storied history.

3. Doug: Where's LaFlamme?
Gord: Probably giving a single mother herpes in a parking lot.

4. Eva: You make me wanna stop sleeping with a bunch of guys.
Doug: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

5. Gord: (while drunk) Do you know cats only meow when there are people around?

6. Ronnie: Tonight--good food, good women, good rest...not necessarily in that order.

7. (The team is trying to talk Doug into their supposed initiation ritual of getting his penis signed)
Oleg: It's not gay.
Evgeni: Not if you're brothers.
Marco: If you're brothers, it's gay with a fucking dash of somethin' else.

8. Doug: For once in my life, I'm actually a part of something. I get to wear a uniform that doesn't have "security" on it. Kids buy it and they wear it and it's got our name on it. Now for whatever reason, you guys think I'm smart enough to be a doctor or something. I have fist smarts. I can fight. I'm strong and I can protect people. That's who I am. That's what I do. And you should be proud of me.

9. Ronnie: Funny? As in "ha-ha" funny? Like flushing a $5 million contract up your nose funny? Or funny as in "peculiar," like Doug here?

10. Marco: Two rules: Don't touch my Percocets. And do you have any fucking Percocets?

"True Memoirs of an International Assassin"

Sam Larson (Kevin James) lives an average life working 9-5 for an insurance company. However, his alter ego Mason Carver AKA the Ghost spends his days taking out high-profile targets. Sam's novel Memoirs of an International Assassin is heavily based on his elderly friend Amos' career with the Mossad. After a lot of rejection letters, Sam finds a company that's willing to publish his book. However, International Assassin is released as nonfiction.

Sam is kidnapped and finds himself in Venezuela. A rebel group, having read and believed his story, hires him to kill the country's president. Sam is reluctant at first, but is drawn in by the beautiful and mysterious Rosa (Zulay Henao). He accidentally meets with one of the president's top advisers, who gives Sam a contract to assassinate Anton Masovich, a flamboyant Russian drug lord.

I found Kevin James to be pretty believable as the likable, bumbling writer who's suddenly thrust into real matters of life and death. Rosa grated on my nerves a bit. Kim Coates, Tig of Sons of Anarchy fame, has what amounts to a cameo role as Presidente Cueto. Even though there's a lack of screen time, you never fail to notice his presence. El Presidente also has some of the best one-liners in the movie.  

The plot and writing style is best described as Tropic Thunder goes James Bond (a shorter, somewhat weaker version). But unlike Ben Stiller's character in that movie, Sam is aware that he's not the Ghost and is completely out of his element.

True Memoirs is only available on Netflix. I recommend it for light viewing, a lot of laughs, and Kim Coates. Music fans might also enjoy trying to pick out what songs have been changed from their original English.

So I Finally Watched "Elf"

(Image credit)

For the last 13 Christmases, I have purposely avoided this movie. I liked Will Ferrell in the Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson version of Starsky and Hutch and that's it. Something about the guy has just always rubbed me the wrong way. I thought I got weird looks when I said I've never watched a single Star Wars movie all the way through; that's nothing compared to how people reacted when I admitted to never seeing a single moment of Elf. I went into this review with gritted teeth and low expectations.

The premise is simple: While Santa is delivering gifts to the residents of an orphanage, a baby stows away in the bag of toys. The baby ends up at the North Pole, where Papa Elf (Bob Newhart) volunteers to raise him. Buddy (Will Ferrell) grows up making toys and apprenticing Papa as a sleigh mechanic. It only takes 30+ years for Buddy to realize he's much bigger than the elves. Papa tells Buddy the truth about being adopted. Buddy's birth father Walter (James Caan) lives in New York City and Buddy sets off to meet him.

Walter doesn't know what to make of Buddy at first. In fact, he has no idea that a child other than his preteen son Michael even exists. In college, Walter was involved with a fellow student named Susan; she became pregnant, didn't tell Walter, and gave their baby up for adoption. 

For his part, Buddy has wacky misunderstandings about human culture and has a meet-cute with Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), a department store elf.

Is Elf as good as other Christmas family comedies such as Home Alone or Jingle All the Way? No. Is it worth seeing? Yes. It's pure fluff and Christmas magic all the way through. I especially enjoyed all the references to the 1964 classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in the opening scenes. Jovie and Buddy are a cute couple. It was interesting to see Sonny Corleone's adopted child on the other side of the adoption scenario.

While I smiled and laughed a lot, this scene is probably my favorite:

Merry Christmas to all!

Top 10 Quotes: "Home Alone"

1. Marv: "Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy."

2. Gangster 'Johnny': "Keep the change, ya filthy animal."

3. Kate: "Heather, did you count heads?"
Heather: "11, including me. 5 boys, 6 girls, 4 parents, 2 drivers, and a partridge in a pear tree."

4. Harry: "I think we're gettin' scammed by a kindy-gartener."

5. Kevin: "Bless this highly nutritious microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen."

6. Kate: "This is Christmas! The season of perpetual hope! And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike, if it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son."

7. Gus (while trying to make Kate feel better about forgetting Kevin): "I did leave one [his kid] at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was awful We were all distraught, the wife and I. We left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day. All day. And we went back at night, you know, after we came to our senses. Apparently he'd been there alone all day with the corpse. But he was okay. You know, after 6-7 weeks, he came around and started talking again."

8. Kevin (after flipping through Buzz's copy of Playboy): "No clothes on anybody! Sickening!"

9. Peter: "How am I supposed to shave in France?"
Kate: "Grow a goatee."

10. Buzz: "Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits?"
Rod: "Some don't."
Buzz: "But they got nude beaches."
Rod (exasperated): "Not in the winter."

"Vacation (2015)"

Remaking a classic movie that so many people love and quote is a very risky idea. I tried to keep an open mind, figuring it wouldn't surpass the original but might be a fun new take on the story. The premise is that an adult Rusty, now an airline pilot, wants to take his family on a cross-country road trip to Walley World. His wife Debbie and sons Kevin and James do not want any part of this adventure. With a foreign made rental car called the Prancer standing in for the Family Truckster, the Griswolds hit the road.

Along the way, they stop at Debbie's alma mater Memphis State and visit her old sorority Tri-Pi. Rusty learns that his wife's sorority nickname was Debbie Do Anything. In Texas, they visit Audrey, who is now living on a ranch and married to a local weatherman played by Chris Hemsworth AKA Thor. There are a lot of shenanigans that happen in between Chicago and Walley World.

The good: Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo make a cameo appearance near the end. Christina Applegate as Debbie is a great Ellen to Rusty's Clark. Walley World still looks like a cool place. I thought Rusty's scrapbook spanning all the various movies was a nice touch.

The bad: This movie is guilty of showing the majority of the funniest scenes in the trailer. The actors who played Rusty's sons were obnoxious, which makes it very difficult to enjoy the movie since they're in almost every scene; the younger brother mercilessly bullies the older one. Self-aware jokes like "This will be different. In the original vacation, there was a boy and a girl. We have two boys."

Stick to the Chevy Chase version.

"I'll Be Home For Christmas"

Image source

I saw this movie during its original theatrical run in 1998. Even as a an 8-year-old who loved Disney and absolutely everything about Christmas, I didn't really enjoy it. I decided to revisit it through Netflix Instant and what a difference 16 years makes!

The movie centers around Jake, played by young Simba himself: Johnathan Taylor Thomas. Originally from upstate New York, he's now a college freshman in Southern California. He has no intentions of a white Christmas, largely because he doesn't like his new stepmother. Jake cashes in his plane ticket up north in favor of tickets to Cabo San Lucas for himself and his girlfriend Allie (Jessica Biel). Allie also hails from back east and has already promised her parents that she'll be spending Christmas with them. Jake considers going to Mexico by himself until he gets phone call from his dad, who promises that if Jake is home by 6 PM on Christmas Eve, he'll give Jake the keys to Dad's pride and joy: a red 1957 Porsche convertible. Jake agrees and lets Allie know that he'll be able to drive her home after all.

The couple goes to an end-of-semester party. Some jocks are unhappy with Jake because the beepers he gave them to cheat didn't work, causing them to fail a final that they were gonna fail anyway. Jake also sold them some fake IDs that were instantly spotted by the bouncer at the famous Viper Room. They slip something in Jake's eggnog and he wakes up in the desert dressed up like Santa Claus. Allie waits for Jake, but he doesn't show up at the promised time; she gets a ride from another classmate, Eddie (Adam LaVorgna), who has a not-so-secret crush on her.

Jake manages to find his way to a road and hitches a ride with a car full of little old ladies going to a Tom Jones concert. This sets off a National Lampoon's Vacation style cross-country road trip, during which Jake cons and charms his way out of any and all trouble he gets himself into. He also (slowly) begins to realize that there are things in life that are more important than classic luxury cars. In the meantime, Allie is stuck on the road with Eddie and fending off his advances.

Johnathan Taylor Thomas's character Jake is, quite simply, a spoiled brat. It would be easy to take that and go completely over-the-top with it. Fortunately, JTT was smart enough not to play him that way. There's no question that Jake is more than a little selfish and immature, but in a very realistic 18-year-old kid way. Parents introducing this movie to their kids and childless young adults watching it for nostalgia reasons will be able to connect with what Jake is going through and that's what makes it work. Jessica Biel is good as the feisty girlfriend who wants nothing to do with the other guy and you can almost feel the slime coming off Adam LaVorgna's Eddie.

I'll Be Home For Christmas is somewhat edgy for a 1990's Disney family comedy. For example, one member of the Tom Jones fan club apparently tries grope Jake; they end up unceremoniously booting Jake out of their car because the hungover student vomits into one woman's purse. At a Bavarian village tourist trap, Allie remarks to Eddie, "Look, the clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady." There's also the interesting song that a minor character sings to win back his estranged wife. Don't worry if your kids are under 10 years old or so; all that stuff went way over my head when I was 8. In fact, not getting the jokes is why I thought it was stupid.

I'd recommend this for a family gathering because everyone loves Disney and also, this is basically a grade-schooler-appropriate version of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. However, shut it off before you get too far into the end credits or you will never get NSYNC's "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" out of your head. For added fun, see if you can spot Disney's clever nod to JTT's voice work as Simba.

Top 10 Quotes: "Shaun of the Dead"

This year marks the 10th anniversary of the zombie horror/comedy starring the dynamic British duo Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

1. Shaun: As Mr. Sloan always says, "There is no 'I' in 'team,' but there is an 'I' in 'pie.' And there's an 'I' in 'meat pie.' Anagram of meat is team...." I don't know what he's talking about.
2. Ed: Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?
3. Phillip: You've got red on you.
4. Pete (explaining who mugged him): Some crackheads or something. One of them bit me.
   Ed: Why'd they bite you?
   Pete: I don't know! I didn't stop to ask!
5. Shaun: If you get cornered, bash 'em in the head. That seems to work.
6. Liz: You hang out with my friends? Sorry, a failed actress and a twat.
   Shaun: Well, that's a bit harsh.
   Liz: Your words!
   Shaun: I did not call Dianne a failed actress!
7. Ed: You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those.
   Shaun: Yeah, well, it's Phillip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars Bar in the glovebox once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood.
8. Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, "The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation." I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.
   Liz: Was that on a beer mat?
9. Pete (after Ed and Shaun wake him up by blasting music): It's fucking Sunday! I've got to go to fucking work in 4 fucking hours 'cause every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I'm so fucking angry?
10. Ed (explaining why he thinks John the pub owner is in the Mafia): Think about it: gruff demeanor, handy with a blade, Bernie the trophy wife. He's connected. Why d'you think there's a rifle over the bar?
    Shaun: 'Cause the pub's called the Winchester.

Top 10 Quotes: "21 Jump Street"

Posting this in honor of the sequel's release. NSFW language ahead. As always, let me know if I missed any in the comments.

1. Captain Dickson: Hey, hey! Stop fuckin' wit' Korean Jesus! He ain't got time for yo' problems! He's busy...with Korean shit.

2. Jenko: I really thought this job would have more explosions and car chases and less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.

3. Schmidt (as a bearded, long-haired One-Percenter jumps up and down on their car): It's ZZ Top! It's ZZ Top!

4. Tom Hanson: Do you have any idea how hard it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You wanna wear a fake nose on your fuckin' head for months on end? Glue and shit?
Schmidt: There are worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson: We had to get fuckin' tattoos on our dicks, man!
Doug Penhall: Actually, I just said that to mess with you.

5. Jenko: Forget those identities, they're bullshit. It says I was held back a year.
Schmidt: You were. You were held back 2 years.
Jenko: Just because it's a fake backstory doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.

6. Schmidt: Do you still not know the Miranda Rights? Dude, you're a cop.
Jenko: Come on, man. You know they always cut away on TV before they finish 'em.

7. Principal Dadier: Guys, I'm gonna relate to you, okay? A kid died the other day from drugs and nobody, including me, is doing anything about it. That's weird, guys. And then you two show up with 30 days left causing trouble in my school. I am one more gay black kid getting punched in the face away from a nervous breakdown.

8. (The nerds are trying to bug Eric's phone at the party and are also drunk for the first time)
Zack: Can we get some bitches up in here? 'Cause it's just boys right now.
Jenko (stunned/confused): No, you can't get any bitches up here!

9. Jenko: Chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?

10. Schmidt (after Jenko gets shot): You took a bullet for me, man.
Jenko: Yeah, I'm feelin' a little ambivalent about that right now.

Sirens: "There's No 'I' in Cream"

A lot has happened in the weeks since I first blogged about the high jinks of Eminent Ambulance Company. Johnny still isn't back together with Theresa (at least not officially), but he has reconnected with his estranged father (played by Rescue Me alum Lenny Clarke). Hank attended the wedding of an ex who cheated on him. Brian has tried unsuccessfully to start up a workplace romance with Voodoo; she claims to be uninterested in him because she's asexual, which is a welcome relief from the lesbian trope. Middle-aged veteran paramedic Cash has hooked up with Hank's mom.

Tonight's episode is one of the strongest I've seen in the series' short first season. It opens in the Eminent Ambulance garage with the whole crew addressing what appears to be a group of EMT students. At one point, Voodoo provides a Tommy Gavin-esque rundown of horrors they may encounter on the job. Their talk to the newbies is intercut with footage of a shift they all recently worked.

That day starts off with Johnny bringing in a dozen Bavarian cream doughnuts to share with everyone. He steps out of the kitchen for a couple of minutes and comes back to find them all gone. Johnny is a little pissed off about spending $40 on the doughnuts and not getting to enjoy them. None of his coworkers own up to eating more than one. I wondered if Johnny would turn investigator like Abby did when her cupcake went missing. 

As usual, Ambulance 14 is staffed by Johnny, Hank, and Brian; Ambulance 1's crew consists of Stats, Voodoo, and the normally-averse to fieldwork Cash. 14 responds to an apartment where an old lady thought she was experiencing a phantom smell, which can be a symptom of a stroke. It turns out that the poor old dear really is smelling toast that she burned and forgot about.

There's all the usual banter like Hank poking the bear by asking Johnny to name his top 3 doughnuts. Suddenly, a call comes over the radio that instantly changes the entire mood of the show: There's been a drive-by gang shooting with multiple bystander injuries. Ambulances 14 and 1 respond and find that there are 11 victims in total. Cash likens the chaos to his days as a medic during the Vietnam War. Hank, Johnny, and Brian whisk away a young boy named Mikey (maybe 8 or 9 years old) who's been shot in the stomach.

Johnny drives while Brian and Hank take care of the little boy in the back. In an effort to keep their young patient calm, Johnny calls over his shoulder to Mikey, asking him to name his top 3 superheroes. Johnny's personal favorite is Batman because "Superman flies around in his underwear." Mikey's top 3, starting from the bottom, are Iron Man (good choice, kid), Batman, and Jay-Z. Why is a rapper a superhero? In Mikey's words, "'Cause he's married to Beyonce." The guys chuckle at this.

At the hospital, the 14 crew runs into Stats, Voodoo, and Cash, who've just finished dropping off their patient. They happily announce that Mikey is expected to live; Ambulance 1 got the same prognosis for the mother they brought in. However, Cash has some bad news too; 4 of the shooting victims were D.O.A. This episode is the first of the series to mix the comedy with an honest-to-God tragedy and it does it well, even in the abbreviated format of a half-hour sitcom.

As a whole, the show itself is still nothing spectacular, but not a bad way to kill time on a Thursday night. Each episode brings a new set of bizarre emergencies; its one-liners are often based around a theme. For example, in last week's episode, they learned that Hank is terrified of spiders and discussed their respective fears. (Johnny is only "afraid of the big things: terrorism, cancer, Ben Affleck being a terrible Batman"). The characters are likable enough, though my personal favorite is still Brian the adorable dumbass rookie with a heart of gold. The show doesn't have much time left to get its legs under it; next week's episode is the season finale. Hoping they can bring in a good closer.

Sirens: "Pilot" and "A B... Named Karma"

Denis Leary has done many things pretty well: stand-up comedy, acting, writing, and producing. His series about the FDNY, Rescue Me, ranks high on my list of all-time favorite TV shows; it was brilliantly acted, raunchy, genuinely moving, and funny as hell. (Except for the entirety of Season 4, which I like to pretend never happened). When I heard he was helming a new project called Sirens, I expected nothing less than a wild, wacky journey into the equally wild and wacky world of EMS. Last week's 2-episode premiere left me sadly underwhelmed.

I was surprised to see that it was not set in New York City like Leary's previous shows The Job and Rescue Me and expected perhaps Boston since Leary is a Massachusetts native. Sirens takes place in the largest city in Illinois. Perhaps to avoid lawsuits and/or fan confusion from the Chicago Fire camp, the EMTs of Sirens are employed by a private ambulance service (like Nicolas Cage in Bringing Out the Dead).

The three main characters are perpetually horny and commitment-phobic Johnny, a gay black paramedic named Hank, and new kid on the block Brian. Almost immediately, a classic Leary show plotline unfolds: Johnny is still smitten with his police officer ex Theresa and is scheming of a way to get her back. There's none of the delicious and sometimes downright cruel animosity that existed between Tommy and Janet Gavin, Rescue Me's main couple in the same situation. Theresa and Johnny seem less like a couple on the rocks who still have passionate love and hate for each other than two people who never really had any chemistry in the first place. It's hard to put into words, but there's just something genuinely unlikable about Theresa's character (even though Johnny is far from a prince).

This awful story does lead to a funny moment in the pilot. Johnny and the crew are at a bar having drinks after work when Johnny decides to spy on Theresa's date that night. He and Hank pile into an inebriated Brian's Subaru station wagon; Brian insists on joining them and there's some funny banter back and forth.

A second classic Leary subplot worked much better, at least for me: The crew's rookie is incredibly stupid, but also kindhearted and ridiculously good-looking. Rescue Me's version of this character was Mike "Probie" Silletti, played with nuance and style by Michael Lombardi. Sirens gives us Brian Czyk, played by babyfaced Kevin Bigley. Like Mike, Bryan still lives at home, though, as Brian points out, "They live upstairs, I live downstairs. Whole separate floor." He's especially adorable in the bar scene as he says that whiskey makes him "wanna dance...naked." When Johnny and Hank take his car later, Bryan rides in the backseat sans clothing.

"A B... Named Karma", the second episode of the series, introduces us to the station's two female medics: a blond nicknamed Voodoo for her love of blood and guts and a redhead nicknamed Stats for her encyclopedic knowledge of all things medical. Johnny and Hank have free tickets to a Bears game, but their supervisor has volunteered them to teach a CPR class to a group of kids in a local park. The guys drag Brian along and try to speed through the lesson to get to the stadium, but they keep getting stopped by constant questions from the kids. One of my favorite parts of this exchange is a kid who asks "Why didn't you save Michael Jackson?" One of the medics replies "Because he lived in California." Johnny has to rely on the tiresome Theresa for help when one of their students decides to steal the ambulance.

While Sirens had its moments, I can't help but feel like something's missing. I think it would've been smarter on Denis Leary's part to get the show on FX, where you can get away with a lot more than you can on USA, home of the perpetual NCIS/SVU marathons. Maybe I'm comparing it too much to its predecessor. In absolute honesty, I'll still probably tune in at 10 PM tomorrow night because I've fallen in love with Brian. He is, as my sorority sisters would say, just precious.

Image source

Top 10 Quotes: "National Lampoon's Vacation"

Next week, I'll be on vacation in the setting of a few of my favorite movies (Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, Just Visiting, and Backdraft): Chicago. In honor of that, here are the best quotes from the movie that started the Vacation franchise. NSFW language ahead.


1. Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're 10 hours from the fuckin' fun park and you wanna bail out. Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation; it's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun and I'm gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fuckin' fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" outta your assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!

2. Ellen: Oh, spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow, you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonald's, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud.

3. Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh, and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey, you can't prove that, Russ.

4. Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty is for animal cruelty in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well...it's probably pretty stiff.

5. Ellen: I hope at least you kids have learned something about life and death.
Audrey: Yeah, don't die unless somebody's home!

6. Rusty: That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp, Dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark: They used to, Rusty.

7. Ellen: (The family is lost in a bad neighborhood) Clark, this is so dangerous. We have no business being in an area like this.
Clark: Well, look at it this way, honey, this is a part of America we never get to see.
Ellen: That's good!
Clark: No, that's bad. I mean, we can't close our eyes to the plight of the cities. Kids, are you noticing all this plight?  This'll just make us appreciate what we have. (There's a gunshot somewhere near the car, followed by a scream) Roll 'em up!

8. Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do! I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you. I should've taken an airplane. And he...he shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be behind bars!
Ellen: Sit down and shut up! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!

9. Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area up there. And Moab, he layeth down by the band of the Canaanites. And yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you, give her...give her a break.
Ellen: Clark, this is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.
Ellen: Lord, we loved this woman with all our hearts--
Audrey: Let's not overdo it, Mom.

10. Clark: Pardon me. I wonder if you can tell me how to get back on the expressway.
Pimp: Fuck yo' mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.

Did I leave out your favorite? Let me know in the comments!

Fire SUV

Now for some classic fire service humor

Name That Quote #2 Answers

1. "I think you're so blinded by inconsolable rage that you don't care who you hurt. When you can't tell your friends from your enemies, it's time to go."-Casino Royale
2. "Oh, this is Hill Valley, although I can't imagine hell being much worse."-Back to the Future: Part II
3. "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster."-Goodfellas
4. "No one will go near it. People think it's 'aunted. And who's to say they're wrong? You see, years ago, somethin 'appened up there. Somefin not very nice."-Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
5. "I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose!"-National Lampoon's Vacation
6. "I don't bend over. It's too hard to stand straight again."-Mobsters
7. "Does Aunt Ginny have barn? Maybe we could have the trial there. I can sew the costumes and maybe his Uncle Goober can be the judge."-A Few Good Men
8. "You could kick the shit outta me in a fair fight; I know that. You're a little faster 'n me, strong enough. But I'm always gonna win. See, you fight schoolyard rules. Every time I lay down, you're done. Me, I fight 'til I'm dead...or the other guy is."-Lone Hero
9. "What is my goal? To make you a happy, well-adjusted gangster?"-Analyze This
10. "Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am. And most of all, I'm afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."-Dirty Dancing
11. "Comin' up is Diehard Night. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant."-Major League
12. "I got a judge just achin' to throw me in jail, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in 5 days. I got no money, a dress code problem. And a little murder case, which in the balance holds the lives of 2 innocent kids."-My Cousin Vinny
13. "Are you a Mexi-can or a Mexi-can't?"-Once Upon a Time In Mexico
14. "Oh, I have my dark days. I suppose that everybody does. The difference is that most people don't kill their husbands with an ax."-Shutter Island
15. "When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only 2 things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home."-The Outsiders
16. "There are several sacred things in this world that you don't ever mess with. One of them happens to be another man's fries. You remember that and you'll live a long and healthy life."-Men at Work
17. "You m-m-m-make me happy."-Tropic Thunder
18. "I'm not complaining. How am I complaining? When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at 3 in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?"-Sherlock Holmes
19. "I'll make you famous!"-Young Guns II
20. "No, I'm not okay. I've just been violated by a barnyard animal."-Shanghai Noon

Name That Quote #2

This new interactive feature for my blog didn't work so well the first time I tried it. Gonna try again to see if I get responses. Listed below are random quotes from 20 different movies. Comment with your guesses. Answers will be posted a week from today! Good luck!

1. "I think you're so blinded by inconsolable rage that you don't care who you hurt. When you can't tell your friends from your enemies, it's time to go."
2. "Oh, this is Hill Valley, although I can't imagine hell being much worse."
3. "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster."
4. "No one will go near it. People think it's 'aunted. And who's to say they're wrong? You see, years ago, somethin 'appened up there. Somefin not very nice."
5. "I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose!"
6. "I don't bend over. It's too hard to stand straight again."
7. "Does Aunt Ginny have barn? Maybe we could have the trial there. I can sew the costumes and maybe his Uncle Goober can be the judge."
8. "You could kick the shit outta me in a fair fight; I know that. You're a little faster 'n me, strong enough. But I'm always gonna win. See, you fight schoolyard rules. Every time I lay down, you're done. Me, I fight 'til I'm dead...or the other guy is."
9. "What is my goal? To make you a happy, well-adjusted gangster?"
10. "Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am. And most of all, I'm afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."
11. "Comin' up is Diehard Night. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant."
12. "I got a judge just achin' to throw me in jail, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in 5 days. I got no money, a dress code problem. And a little murder case, which in the balance holds the lives of 2 innocent kids."
13. "Are you a Mexi-can or a Mexi-can't?"
14. "Oh, I have my dark days. I suppose that everybody does. The difference is that most people don't kill their husbands with an ax."
15. "When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only 2 things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home."
16. "There are several sacred things in this world that you don't ever mess with. One of them happens to be another man's fries. You remember that and you'll live a long and healthy life."
17. "You m-m-m-make me happy."
18. "I'm not complaining. How am I complaining? When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at 3 in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?"
19. "I'll make you famous!"
20. "No, I'm not okay. I've just been violated by a barnyard animal."

4 Days 'Til Christmas: Christmas Film Festival

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Time to finish shopping, wrapping the gifts, and getting the house ready to entertain friends and/or relatives. I've compiled this list of movies and TV specials to help get your guests into the holiday spirit.

• It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown! This one can be a little hard to find, but it's worth the effort. There are multiple plotlines in the special: Sally is cast as an angel in the Christmas pageant and worries that she'll forget her lines; she's also busy writing to Santa Claus. In the same pageant, Peppermint Patty is cast as sheep and jealous that Marcy gets to play Mary. Charlie Brown is in search of the perfect gift for the little redheaded girl.
• A Muppet Christmas Carol. Watching this movie on Christmas Eve has been a family tradition since I was a very little girl. It's still great to watch as an adult. The Muppets' wit, charm, and signature musical numbers put a fun spin on Charles Dickens' classic tale. Michael Caine absolutely steals the show with his portrayal of Scrooge.
• "Santa's Village of the Damned." This was the first Christmas-themed episode of Two and a Half Men. Alan is dating a charming woman with Martha Stewart-esque cooking and decorating abilities. Charlie tries to warn Alan that she's too clingy, but Alan doesn't listen. Next thing you know, Alan's girlfriend has moved into Charlie's house and buried the interior in Christmas figurines.
• Home Alone. No Child Left Behind...unless you're the McCallisters. They accidentally leave their youngest son, 8-year-old Kevin, in Chicago when they leave for a Christmas vacation in Paris. Little do the parents know, the neighborhood is being targeted by a pair of burglars known as the Wet Bandits. Now it's up to Kevin to defend his home. It's not quite Christmas Eve if my family and I don't watch this one.
• Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It's rare for a sequel to top the original, but this one does. Due to a mix-up at the airport, Kevin boards a plane to New York City while the rest of his family is on a flight to Florida. But don't be too worried. Kevin is resourceful and finds a way to make the best of the situation. I love this movie even more since I've seen the splendor of New York City's Christmas decorations with my own eyes.
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The 1960's animated version, not the live-action atrocity with Jim Carrey. It narrates Dr. Seuss's classic story with a few songs thrown in. Fun Fact: Thurl Ravenscroft, who sings "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch", also was the original voice of Frosted Flakes mascot Tony the Tiger. 
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Again, I refer to the 1960's version. Yes, the technology is primitive by today's standards and I admit that some of the critters are a little freaky looking. But when  all is said and done, Rudolph is all about being proud of who you are and not letting teasing stop you from reaching your full potential. It's like a Christmas version of The Karate Kid. 
• Lethal Weapon. I know this isn't technically a Christmas movie, but try telling my local TV stations that. One of them has been showing it in constant rotation all month. I think the station should throw in Don Johnson's Dead-Bang and the original Die Hard while they're at it for a Christmas action movie trifecta.
• National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. If you think your family's Christmases are disastrous, you'll feel a lot better after seeing what happens to the Griswolds. The Christmas tree is too big for the living room. Cousin Eddie shows up and so does senile Aunt Bethany.
• The Ref. A cat burglar played by Denis Leary is on the run from the law after breaking into a house on Christmas Eve. To escape detection, he kidnaps married couple Caroline and Lloyd and ends up holding them hostage in their home. Little does he know, Lloyd and Caroline have just left their marriage counselor's office and are on the verge of divorce. Hilarity ensues as he tries to maintain his sanity. This is my favorite black comedy. Warning: Do not watch with anyone under the age of 14.

1 Week 'Til Christmas: Rudolph Re-Dubs

Like most children in America, I grew up watching the stop-motion Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer special from the '60s. It still holds a special place in my heart even though I'm now an adult. When I was a sophomore in college, my best friend, a Marine, sent me the following video and I couldn't stop laughing.

Watching Hermie and the gang spew profanity from Full Metal Jacket amuses me more than it probably should. I recently discovered a Rudolph video that pays tribute to one of my all-time favorite movies: Goodfellas.

Name That Quote #1 Answers

I'm slightly disappointed that no one really responded to this feature. However, I'll keep my word and post the answers to last week's questions.

1. "Oorah, Class 5506!"-The Guardian
2. "Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injury, is 4 miles per hour. That gives us a radius of 6 miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse, and outhouse in that area."-The Fugitive
3. "I'm the thing what lives beneath the stairs."-The Devil's Own
4. "These people aren't a ragtag buncha yahoos that drink beer and run around in sheets on Saturday night. They've got money behind 'em. They've got strong pockets of community support."-Dead Bang
5. "Sarge, you got any advice on how to stay alive in Vietnam?"
   "Yes, I do, Private. Don't go."-Tigerland
6. "What are you doing? You've burned all the food, the shade, the rum!"-Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
7. "You throw me idol, I throw you whip."-Raiders of the Lost Ark 
8. "Ladies, this is supposed to be history class, you know. Not sex education."-Kidz in the Wood
9. Character 1: "So you guys usually pick up girls in the supermarket for fun?"
   Character 2: "Usually, I throw 'em over my shoulder and carry 'em down a ladder."-Ladder 49
10. "Sonny and my father always said when I got older, I'd understand. Well, I finally did. I learned something from those two men. I learned how to get love and give love unconditionally. You just have to accept people for what they are. I learned the greatest gift of all. The saddest thing in life is wasted talent and the choices you make will shape your life forever."-A Bronx Tale
11. "Any thug can kill. I need you to take your ego out of the equation."-Casino Royale (Daniel Craig version)
12. "Do not kill, do not rape, do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace."-The Boondock Saints
13. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."-Apocalypse Now
14. "Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!"-The Karate Kid (1984 version)
15. "Look at my driver's license. Expires 1987. Look at my birthdate for cryin' out loud. I haven't even been born yet."-Back to the Future
16. "Come on! We're men; we're not pinatas. And we're really hungover."-Shanghai Noon
17. "I can't stand him. He gets an idea in his head, he can't get rid of it. If I stay with him much longer, I'm gonna be a stiff in a photograph. The only chance I have is to get hellbent for leather now."-Young Guns
18. "Water is for cowards. Water makes you weak. Water is for washin' blood off that uniform and you don't get no blood on my uniform. Boy, you must be outside yo' mind!"-Remember the Titans
19. Bill: "What the hell did we do to deserve this?"
    Chris: "Maybe it was that stripper we sent the captain on his birthday."
    Bill: "I told ya we shoulda sent the woman!"-Stakeout
20. "If she screws it up, she can always fix your hair so your ears don't show."-Grease

Name That Quote #1

Testing out a new interactive feature for my blog. Listed below are random quotes from 20 different movies. Comment with your guesses. Answers will be posted a week from today!

1. "Oorah, Class 5506!"
2. "Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injury, is 4 miles per hour. That gives us a radius of 6 miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse, and outhouse in that area."
3. "I'm the thing what lives beneath the stairs."
4. "These people aren't a ragtag buncha yahoos that drink beer and run around in sheets on Saturday night. They've got money behind 'em. They've got strong pockets of community support."
5. Character 1: "Sarge, you got any advice on how to stay alive in Vietnam?"
   Character 2: "Yes, I do, Private. Don't go."
6. "What are you doing? You've burned all the food, the shade, the rum!"
7. "You throw me idol, I throw you whip."
8. "Ladies, this is supposed to be history class, you know. Not sex education."
9. Character 1: "So you guys usually pick up girls in the supermarket for fun?"
   Character 2: "Usually, I throw 'em over my shoulder and carry 'em down a ladder."
10. "Sonny and my father always said when I got older, I'd understand. Well, I finally did. I learned something from those two men. I learned how to get love and give love unconditionally. You just have to accept people for what they are. I learned the greatest gift of all. The saddest thing in life is wasted talent and the choices you make will shape your life forever."
11. "Any thug can kill. I need you to take your ego out of the equation."
12. "Do not kill, do not rape, do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace."
13. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."
14. "Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!"
15. "Look at my driver's license. Expires 1987. Look at my birthdate for cryin' out loud. I haven't even been born yet."
16. "Come on! We're men; we're not pinatas. And we're really hungover."
17. "I can't stand him. He gets an idea in his head, he can't get rid of it. If I stay with him much longer, I'm gonna be a stiff in a photograph. The only chance I have is to get hellbent for leather now."
18. "Water is for cowards. Water makes you weak. Water is for washin' blood off that uniform and you don't get no blood on my uniform. Boy, you must be outside yo' mind!"
19. Character 1: "What the hell did we do to deserve this?"
    Character 2: "Maybe it was that stripper we sent the captain on his birthday."
    Character 1: "I told ya we shoulda sent the woman!"
20. "If she screws it up, she can always fix your hair so your ears don't show."