So I Finally Watched "Elf"

(Image credit)

For the last 13 Christmases, I have purposely avoided this movie. I liked Will Ferrell in the Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson version of Starsky and Hutch and that's it. Something about the guy has just always rubbed me the wrong way. I thought I got weird looks when I said I've never watched a single Star Wars movie all the way through; that's nothing compared to how people reacted when I admitted to never seeing a single moment of Elf. I went into this review with gritted teeth and low expectations.

The premise is simple: While Santa is delivering gifts to the residents of an orphanage, a baby stows away in the bag of toys. The baby ends up at the North Pole, where Papa Elf (Bob Newhart) volunteers to raise him. Buddy (Will Ferrell) grows up making toys and apprenticing Papa as a sleigh mechanic. It only takes 30+ years for Buddy to realize he's much bigger than the elves. Papa tells Buddy the truth about being adopted. Buddy's birth father Walter (James Caan) lives in New York City and Buddy sets off to meet him.

Walter doesn't know what to make of Buddy at first. In fact, he has no idea that a child other than his preteen son Michael even exists. In college, Walter was involved with a fellow student named Susan; she became pregnant, didn't tell Walter, and gave their baby up for adoption. 

For his part, Buddy has wacky misunderstandings about human culture and has a meet-cute with Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), a department store elf.

Is Elf as good as other Christmas family comedies such as Home Alone or Jingle All the Way? No. Is it worth seeing? Yes. It's pure fluff and Christmas magic all the way through. I especially enjoyed all the references to the 1964 classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in the opening scenes. Jovie and Buddy are a cute couple. It was interesting to see Sonny Corleone's adopted child on the other side of the adoption scenario.

While I smiled and laughed a lot, this scene is probably my favorite:

Merry Christmas to all!

Top 10 Quotes: "Home Alone"

1. Marv: "Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy."

2. Gangster 'Johnny': "Keep the change, ya filthy animal."

3. Kate: "Heather, did you count heads?"
Heather: "11, including me. 5 boys, 6 girls, 4 parents, 2 drivers, and a partridge in a pear tree."

4. Harry: "I think we're gettin' scammed by a kindy-gartener."

5. Kevin: "Bless this highly nutritious microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen."

6. Kate: "This is Christmas! The season of perpetual hope! And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike, if it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son."

7. Gus (while trying to make Kate feel better about forgetting Kevin): "I did leave one [his kid] at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was awful We were all distraught, the wife and I. We left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day. All day. And we went back at night, you know, after we came to our senses. Apparently he'd been there alone all day with the corpse. But he was okay. You know, after 6-7 weeks, he came around and started talking again."

8. Kevin (after flipping through Buzz's copy of Playboy): "No clothes on anybody! Sickening!"

9. Peter: "How am I supposed to shave in France?"
Kate: "Grow a goatee."

10. Buzz: "Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits?"
Rod: "Some don't."
Buzz: "But they got nude beaches."
Rod (exasperated): "Not in the winter."

"I'll Be Home For Christmas"

Image source

I saw this movie during its original theatrical run in 1998. Even as a an 8-year-old who loved Disney and absolutely everything about Christmas, I didn't really enjoy it. I decided to revisit it through Netflix Instant and what a difference 16 years makes!

The movie centers around Jake, played by young Simba himself: Johnathan Taylor Thomas. Originally from upstate New York, he's now a college freshman in Southern California. He has no intentions of a white Christmas, largely because he doesn't like his new stepmother. Jake cashes in his plane ticket up north in favor of tickets to Cabo San Lucas for himself and his girlfriend Allie (Jessica Biel). Allie also hails from back east and has already promised her parents that she'll be spending Christmas with them. Jake considers going to Mexico by himself until he gets phone call from his dad, who promises that if Jake is home by 6 PM on Christmas Eve, he'll give Jake the keys to Dad's pride and joy: a red 1957 Porsche convertible. Jake agrees and lets Allie know that he'll be able to drive her home after all.

The couple goes to an end-of-semester party. Some jocks are unhappy with Jake because the beepers he gave them to cheat didn't work, causing them to fail a final that they were gonna fail anyway. Jake also sold them some fake IDs that were instantly spotted by the bouncer at the famous Viper Room. They slip something in Jake's eggnog and he wakes up in the desert dressed up like Santa Claus. Allie waits for Jake, but he doesn't show up at the promised time; she gets a ride from another classmate, Eddie (Adam LaVorgna), who has a not-so-secret crush on her.

Jake manages to find his way to a road and hitches a ride with a car full of little old ladies going to a Tom Jones concert. This sets off a National Lampoon's Vacation style cross-country road trip, during which Jake cons and charms his way out of any and all trouble he gets himself into. He also (slowly) begins to realize that there are things in life that are more important than classic luxury cars. In the meantime, Allie is stuck on the road with Eddie and fending off his advances.

Johnathan Taylor Thomas's character Jake is, quite simply, a spoiled brat. It would be easy to take that and go completely over-the-top with it. Fortunately, JTT was smart enough not to play him that way. There's no question that Jake is more than a little selfish and immature, but in a very realistic 18-year-old kid way. Parents introducing this movie to their kids and childless young adults watching it for nostalgia reasons will be able to connect with what Jake is going through and that's what makes it work. Jessica Biel is good as the feisty girlfriend who wants nothing to do with the other guy and you can almost feel the slime coming off Adam LaVorgna's Eddie.

I'll Be Home For Christmas is somewhat edgy for a 1990's Disney family comedy. For example, one member of the Tom Jones fan club apparently tries grope Jake; they end up unceremoniously booting Jake out of their car because the hungover student vomits into one woman's purse. At a Bavarian village tourist trap, Allie remarks to Eddie, "Look, the clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady." There's also the interesting song that a minor character sings to win back his estranged wife. Don't worry if your kids are under 10 years old or so; all that stuff went way over my head when I was 8. In fact, not getting the jokes is why I thought it was stupid.

I'd recommend this for a family gathering because everyone loves Disney and also, this is basically a grade-schooler-appropriate version of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. However, shut it off before you get too far into the end credits or you will never get NSYNC's "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" out of your head. For added fun, see if you can spot Disney's clever nod to JTT's voice work as Simba.

"Christmas Mail"

Image source

A good Christmas movie should make you laugh, believe in magic, appeal to your inner child, and maybe shed some tears of joy. The operative word in this scenario is "good." This direct-to-TV romantic comedy offers none of the above.

The central character is Matt (A.J. Buckley), a mailman who is unsatisfied with his life and lacking Christmas spirit. Once a talented guitarist with dreams of being a rock star, fate made him an instant parent when his sister and brother-in-law died in an unspecified accident. His sister's will named him guardian of his 8-year-old niece Emily. Weeks before Christmas, there's a new coworker at Matt's post office, an irritatingly bubbly blond woman named Kristi North. She's there on a special assignment: answering letters that children write to Santa Claus. She takes her job very seriously, decorating every surface in her office with Christmas knickknacks.

Emily's letter to Santa crosses Kristi's desk. The little girl's only wish is for her uncle to be happy and not lonely anymore; she wants him to have "a special friend to kiss and stuff." Kristi suggests Emily help her uncle find his own happiness, which the girl takes to heart. Matt comes home from work one day to find his niece has set him up for a romantic dinner with their elderly neighbor. Days later while picking up Emily from a friend's house, Matt stumbles into a support group meeting for single parents. Of course, everyone else present is a single mother. The group leader invites Matt to join them and proceeds to ask about his sex life.

Matt's boss from hell at the post office, Mr. Fuller, somehow gets the idea in his head that Kristi is trying to sabotage the mail system and asks for Matt's help in digging up dirt on what she's up to. Kristi's behavior is very odd, crossing the line to mentally unbalanced at times. Although in her 30s, Kristi does not own a car, have a driver's license, date, or have a permanent address. She spends a couple of months every year in a different place answering Santa letters; nobody seems to know what she does the other 10 months. She only seems to have ties to her large sheepdog Rudy and wears sweater sets better suited to the 1950's or a much older woman. Kristi speaks various languages, including Cantonese and Mandarin, and can talk to animals.

Despite the fact that she apparently hails from Crazy Town, grumpy Matt is smitten with her. Matt's fellow mail carrier Sally sees this and tries to get them together. Almost instantly, there's a romantic comedy cliche: Matt's former bandmate Heather comes to visit him and Emily; Kristi sees them together and assumes Heather is Matt's wife. They smooth things out and Matt invites Kristi over to meet Emily.

She, Emily, Heather, and Matt have a grand old time baking Christmas cookies and having a food fight with the colored decorating sugar. Kristi spots Emily's doll-size table and tea set and gushes that it "reminds her of home." They wind up eating dinner at said tiny table. Afterward, Kristi is treated to a truly horrible rendition of "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" by Heather and Emily, Matt accompanying them on his guitar. Matt even offers to let Kristi move in!

Happiness, of course, can't last. Mr. Fuller gets Matt and Kristi in the same room to reveal his scheme. He makes the classic bad guy move of implying that Matt doesn't love Kristi. Matt is to get promoted to Mr. Fuller's job if he finds something on crazy Kristi that Mr. Fuller can use to fire her. Matt tells his boss that Kristi is special and that he loves her. He rejects the promotion to go back to being a mailman. Kristi is dismissed. At this point, my mom, a former UPS employee, commented, "You can't fire federal workers like that. There's a union."

Several extremely unlikely things happen in the next several minutes. The postmaster general in Washington DC gets wind of what evil Mr. Fuller has done, demotes him, and offers Matt a promotion. Matt turns down the promotion because his band has announced that they're going on tour starting Christmas Day. He decides to uproot his fragile young niece and pull her out of school to go on the road. Equally wacky Heather has offered to be the little girl's personal tutor. Following his dreams apparently takes a backseat to his new responsibilities.

Kristi has realized that Matt is her One True Love and must catch up to him before he leaves town. Without a driver's license, she relies on the kindness of Sally. They hit the streets in a mail truck, searching for Matt's car. But how will they find him when they don't know where he's gone? "Follow Rudolph!" Kristi says breathlessly, pointing to a decoration on a nearby lawn. The couple ends up together and going on tour despite knowing each other all of 2 months. Heather stays on as a third wheel. Oh, and spoiler alert, the mysterious Kristi turns out to be the daughter of Santa Claus himself.

The plot could have been cute if Kristi hadn't seemed mentally ill from the beginning. Ashley Scott played her about as subtly as Clark Griswold decorated his house. The child actress cast as Emily was not cute and hopefully some time and lessons will turn her into a better actress. A.J. Buckley is wasted in this movie and I know he can do so much better. His OCD lab tech character Adam Ross was one of my favorite parts of CSI: NY. He made me laugh in his guest appearances as Ed Zeddmore, head of the Ghostfacers, on Supernatural. A.J. expanded his range last year with a recurring role on Justified as scruffy, ill-tempered, dog-loving criminal Danny Crowe.

If you really want to watch a Christmas rom-com, I have no real suggestions for you other than to stay away from this movie.

2 Days 'Til Christmas: Most Memorable Gifts

I know it's better to give than to receive, but I have so many great memories from Christmases past. Some of these are heartwarming; others are just downright funny. Listed them as best as I can remember.

• Being 3 was an interesting year. About half my gifts had something to do with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the other half were Beauty & the Beast. What can I say? I've always had eclectic taste. This Christmas is on home video and upon opening every package, I cried, "Just what I've always wanted!" For months afterward, my favorite place to hang out was my play tent that looked like the castle from Beauty & the Beast. It's a miracle I didn't wear out the VHS of Ninja Turtle episodes I got.
• My late grandmother, God rest her soul, always loved to watch figure skating on TV. Her absolute favorite female skater of all time was Michelle Kwan. When I was 4, she got me a pair of white figure skates, maybe thinking I'd be twirling out on the ice one day.
  While Mom and her visiting best friend went to post-Christmas sales, Dad babysat me along with his youngest brother (who was dating my mom's best friend at the time). They saw no problem with letting me stay up to watch ER with them. At some point in the episode, a 5-year-old girl with blond hair and blue eyes was brought to the hospital screaming in pain; her parents explained she fell down ice skating and broke her arm.
  I fit the little girl's description and was traumatized, figuring the same fate would await me. I mysteriously felt bad whenever Mom wanted to take me to the rink and the little white skates were eventually given to Goodwill. I didn't tell Mom about the ER episode until about 10 years later and I remained so terrified of ice skating that I never tried it until I was 20.
• My mom's best friend and her boyfriend used to visit for a few days after Christmas. They were into motorcycles and my Christmas gifts from them always included Harley-Davidson T-shirts. When I was about 12, I decided I needed something to wear over them: a tough-looking black leather jacket. My grandma combed all the department stores looking for one small enough. (I was a runty kid and now a very small adult). On Christmas morning at Grandma's, I found a giant, heavy box under the tree. I shrieked with excitement when I saw my dream jacket inside. The best part is it's been 10 years and that leather jacket still fits.
• Some of the best memories I have of Granny involved us bonding over TV shows, like when I stayed over at her house just so we could watch the wedding episode of Walker, Texas Ranger together. My preteen self thought Gage was dreamy and that Chuck was pretty kick-ass for an old guy. I was also in love with Walker's hat. When I was 10 or so, Granny gave me a black cowboy hat with a silver-studded hatband.
• When I was a senior in high school, I helped build the choir's Homecoming float. It was themed after the carnival scene from Grease and won the prize for Best Club Float. I was so proud and for Christmas that year, my mom got me a musical ornament that plays the Olivia Newtown-John version of "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee."
• Freshman year of college, I reunited with my 2 best friends from high school for an annual Christmas party. We're all obsessed with Johnny Depp. It wasn't planned out, but we all ended up getting copies of his newest-to-DVD movie Public Enemies. 
• My aunt and I share the same dark, twisted sense of humor, love of obscure/purposely bad movies, and TV crime shows. She also knows of my weakness for firemen. She doesn't have a lot of extra money, but managed to give me DVDs of Justified's latest season, Analyze This, Analyze That, Summer School with Mark Harmon, and FDNY's charity calendar last year.
• I have a little (okay, big) obsession with movies. I've lost count of how many DVDs I own, to the point where I ran out of room on the family shelf. Last Christmas, my mom and stepdad put together a  bookshelf just for my movies, which I thought was really sweet.

3 Days 'Til Christmas: Guest Review--"Dead Bang"

Author's Note: Yes, these next 2 posts are a little late, but I've had a lot of last-minute prepping to do.

Image source

Don Johnson stars as a Los Angeles County homicide detective named Jerry Beck. The movie opens with a shot of a seedy bachelor pad replete with a stack of unpaid bills. Jerry also has the unexpected Christmas gift of a restraining order to stay away from his kids' school, courtesy of his ex-wife.

That night, a black convenience store clerk is shot during a robbery. As he lays dying, he manages to give a description of the person who did it. A few blocks away, an L.A. County deputy stops a young man walking down the street because he fits the profile. The young man is pleasant at first, but then ends up gunning down the deputy in cold blood. Jerry is assigned the case.

Jerry soon comes to believe that whoever killed the store clerk also killed his homicide victim (the deputy). He does a computer search for people who have recently been paroled for armed robbery that fit the now-dead clerk's description. Bobby Burns, a known white supremacist, becomes the prey of this sleep-deprived, depressed detective.

Jerry tries to drown his sorrows about not being able to see his kids at a Christmas Eve party thrown by the sheriff's department. There, he meets Linda. He beds her. Later in the movie, Jerry learns that Linda is married to the murdered police officer, though the two have been separated for several months. Linda claims that she slept with Jerry to get him to hunt down and kill whoever murdered her estranged husband.

It becomes apparent early on that Jerry has anger issues and a drinking problem. After spending the night with an equally drunk Linda, Jerry goes into work hungover on Christmas Day. He breaks his telephone and scrambles up the office after he calls his ex-wife Gloria and she denies him permission to come over to give their kids the Christmas presents he bought them.

Jerry has been in touch with Bobby's parole officer, Webley, because he can't search Bobby's belongings for evidence without a parole officer being present. He drags P.O. Webley to a Hell's Angels hangout where Bobby is staying with his mother. Bobby isn't there, just his brother John who's home from New Mexico State University on Christmas break. One fight scene later, Jerry has chased down and puked all over a fleeing suspect who doesn't match the photo of Bobby.

The Coyote, a Mexican bar in Cottonwood, Arizona, is the next stop for Jerry. Bobby and his Klansman-eqsue buddies had tried to rob the place, but only found a gun and some pesos. They shot all the customers and the staff. There's a shootout.

After only just cheating death by automatic weapon, Jerry ends up in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Because white supremacy literature was found in both Los Angeles and Arizona, an FBI agent named Kressler joins Jerry. They both think Bobby is their prime suspect. They were led to Oklahoma by maps and notes found in Arizona. The local police chief is entirely unhelpful with severe leanings in favor of the Aryan Nation Church of Christ, which Bobby also belongs to.

Jerry comes close to getting thrown off the case after parole officer Webley, Kressler, and others complain about his anger issues, etc. Jerry ends up threatening the psychiatrist he is sent to. After throttling the shrink, he is free to go after Bobby Burns again.

Kressler and Jerry follow the clues to a small town in Montana, where the Aryan Nation Church has set up a compound in the woods. They're about to stage a huge meeting with other white supremacist groups in order to unite and form a single power structure. This is an idea that Kressler has been scoffing at all through the movie.

Jerry and Kressler are joined by black policemen and they raid KKK Ranch. They have a great big underground firefight and kill all the Klansmen. The FBI agent and the homicide detective hope to find Bobby. They do. After Jerry is forced to shoot him, he learns that Bobby's brother John actually killed the convenience store clerk and the sheriff's deputy. FBI agent Kressler gets the credit for busting the big Klan operation. Jerry Beck presumably returns to his life of drunken obscurity in Burbank.

The highlight of the movie (or low point, depending on your perspective) was a scene that shows a hungover Jerry barfing on a suspect following a lengthy foot chase. It was splendidly disgusting!

4 Days 'Til Christmas: Christmas Film Festival

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Time to finish shopping, wrapping the gifts, and getting the house ready to entertain friends and/or relatives. I've compiled this list of movies and TV specials to help get your guests into the holiday spirit.

• It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown! This one can be a little hard to find, but it's worth the effort. There are multiple plotlines in the special: Sally is cast as an angel in the Christmas pageant and worries that she'll forget her lines; she's also busy writing to Santa Claus. In the same pageant, Peppermint Patty is cast as sheep and jealous that Marcy gets to play Mary. Charlie Brown is in search of the perfect gift for the little redheaded girl.
• A Muppet Christmas Carol. Watching this movie on Christmas Eve has been a family tradition since I was a very little girl. It's still great to watch as an adult. The Muppets' wit, charm, and signature musical numbers put a fun spin on Charles Dickens' classic tale. Michael Caine absolutely steals the show with his portrayal of Scrooge.
• "Santa's Village of the Damned." This was the first Christmas-themed episode of Two and a Half Men. Alan is dating a charming woman with Martha Stewart-esque cooking and decorating abilities. Charlie tries to warn Alan that she's too clingy, but Alan doesn't listen. Next thing you know, Alan's girlfriend has moved into Charlie's house and buried the interior in Christmas figurines.
• Home Alone. No Child Left Behind...unless you're the McCallisters. They accidentally leave their youngest son, 8-year-old Kevin, in Chicago when they leave for a Christmas vacation in Paris. Little do the parents know, the neighborhood is being targeted by a pair of burglars known as the Wet Bandits. Now it's up to Kevin to defend his home. It's not quite Christmas Eve if my family and I don't watch this one.
• Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It's rare for a sequel to top the original, but this one does. Due to a mix-up at the airport, Kevin boards a plane to New York City while the rest of his family is on a flight to Florida. But don't be too worried. Kevin is resourceful and finds a way to make the best of the situation. I love this movie even more since I've seen the splendor of New York City's Christmas decorations with my own eyes.
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The 1960's animated version, not the live-action atrocity with Jim Carrey. It narrates Dr. Seuss's classic story with a few songs thrown in. Fun Fact: Thurl Ravenscroft, who sings "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch", also was the original voice of Frosted Flakes mascot Tony the Tiger. 
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Again, I refer to the 1960's version. Yes, the technology is primitive by today's standards and I admit that some of the critters are a little freaky looking. But when  all is said and done, Rudolph is all about being proud of who you are and not letting teasing stop you from reaching your full potential. It's like a Christmas version of The Karate Kid. 
• Lethal Weapon. I know this isn't technically a Christmas movie, but try telling my local TV stations that. One of them has been showing it in constant rotation all month. I think the station should throw in Don Johnson's Dead-Bang and the original Die Hard while they're at it for a Christmas action movie trifecta.
• National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. If you think your family's Christmases are disastrous, you'll feel a lot better after seeing what happens to the Griswolds. The Christmas tree is too big for the living room. Cousin Eddie shows up and so does senile Aunt Bethany.
• The Ref. A cat burglar played by Denis Leary is on the run from the law after breaking into a house on Christmas Eve. To escape detection, he kidnaps married couple Caroline and Lloyd and ends up holding them hostage in their home. Little does he know, Lloyd and Caroline have just left their marriage counselor's office and are on the verge of divorce. Hilarity ensues as he tries to maintain his sanity. This is my favorite black comedy. Warning: Do not watch with anyone under the age of 14.

5 Days 'Til Christmas: "All Alone on Christmas" by Darlene Love & The E Street Band

Apologies for not publishing this yesterday.

5 years ago, I had the pleasure of visiting New York City and admiring the city's famous Christmas decorations. (Sadly, the Rockefeller Center's tree had not been put up yet). I've always loved this song from the Home Alone 2: Lost in New York soundtrack. Now that I've seen most of the mentioned landmarks in person, it holds an even more special place in my heart.

6 Days 'Til Christmas: "You Better Watch Out"

Last night, I gathered around the TV with my family to watch the annual NCIS Christmas special, which has become an anticipated family tradition. As was the case last year, the murder-of-the-week plot was overshadowed (at least for me) by all the holiday shenanigans.

This year's hijinks took the form of Tony DiNozzo Senior, who arrived in town to spend Christmas with his son. We get the sense there's some tension between the two by the fact that Tony always refers to his father as "Senior." When Senior arrives, he declines his son's offer of a hotel suite; he wants to stay in Tony's apartment. Tony's protests that the place is a one-bedroom "the size of a Habitrail" fall on deaf ears. Turns out Tony actually has a pretty nice place. He kindly agrees to sleep on the couch and let Senior stay in his bedroom.

By the time Tony gets home from work the next day, Senior has decked the halls, complete with a large pine tree. Tony goes all OCD because Senior moved his piano to put up the tree. He isn't even placated by Senior's homemade snickerdoodles (Tony's favorite Christmas cookie).

When Senior's efforts to get his son in the holiday spirit, he decides to give himself a little Christmas present by (SPOILER ALERT) sleeping with the older lady across the hall IN TONY'S BED! Tony is understandably angry.

Part of the reason Tony is so upset by his dad coming from Christmas, it turns out, is because of a present he didn't get. The DiNizzos hand down a signet ring from father to son on the son's 21st Christmas. Tony never got the ring for reasons unknown.

Christmas Eve rolls around and the crew, including Ziva, gathers to watch It's a Wonderful Life. Tony opens a box he found under his Christmas tree, which of course, turns out to be the ring. No explanation is given as to why he's finally getting it about 20 years too late. Abby brings Senior in and father and son reconcile.

1 Week 'Til Christmas: Rudolph Re-Dubs

Like most children in America, I grew up watching the stop-motion Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer special from the '60s. It still holds a special place in my heart even though I'm now an adult. When I was a sophomore in college, my best friend, a Marine, sent me the following video and I couldn't stop laughing.

Watching Hermie and the gang spew profanity from Full Metal Jacket amuses me more than it probably should. I recently discovered a Rudolph video that pays tribute to one of my all-time favorite movies: Goodfellas.