Showing posts with label new release. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new release. Show all posts

Thursday, February 8, 2018

"The Greatest Showman"

(Yes, I know I'm really late reviewing this). Ever since my teenage self saw Van Helsing one Halloween night, I've had a deep and abiding love for Hugh Jackman. C'mon, who wouldn't?

Anyway, the music that hits as the movie begins made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

The urgent wails, the rhythmic clapping/stomping. The visual buildup is incredible too: the underside of old wooden bleachers that only reveal shadows of legs, the silhouette of a ringmaster in classic garb tapping his cane on the packed dirt floor. Even though we know circus godfather P.T. Barnum is being played by Hugh Jackman, they don't show his face for a while. And, oh, does Hugh have a set of pipes!

I've read about circus history, so I'm sure a LOT of liberties were taken with Barnum's life story, but that's really not the point of the movie at all. The Greatest Showman is a lot like musicals of yore where maybe there's a plot if you squint. The real star of the show is the music, choreography, and acrobatic stunt work. (I'll forgive the obviously CGI animals). Immediately after it was over, I rushed out to buy the soundtrack.

I was somewhat hesitant to see this in theaters because of my aversion to Zac Efron. His character was tolerable, but by no means my favorite. "Rewrite the Stars," his duet with trapeze artist Anne, is the only song in the movie I didn't like at all; Efron's performance is just too whiny for me.

The circus scenes caused a flood of emotions. Growing up, my grandma used to take me to Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey when they came through on their summer tour. I came out each time with a huge smile on my face, a glossy souvenir program, and dreams of becoming a tiger trainer like Mark Oliver Gebel. Dumbo was one of my favorite cartoons. I would beg to go to a local off-brand circus the years Barnum & Bailey didn't come to town.

The cruel irony is this movie ended up being released the same year Barnum's show shut down for good. I actually cried because the finale tour came nowhere near my hometown, preventing me from seeing my beloved circus one last time. This movie is the closest my kids (should I ever have any) will get to the experiences I had watching the magic that took place in those three rings.

An hour and 45 minutes, kid-friendly, fantastic production values, and the eye candy that is Hugh Jackman. What more reasons do you need to see this for the first (or fourth) time?

Thursday, January 11, 2018

2017: Year In Review

After a long hiatus for which I have no excuse, Shortstack is back! Overall, last year was a pretty good one for pop culture. Here's a summary of where my love for it took me this year:

Movies:
I went to my local theater a lot last year. What I didn't catch in theaters, I saw via Redbox. My brief impressions of everything I saw.

  • Power Rangers: Didn't quite live up to my memories of the original from the 1990's, but it wasn't unwatchable.
  • CHIPS: Still can't believe I watched the whole thing; no wonder Erik Estrada wanted nothing to do with it.
  • King Arthur--Legend of the Sword: Came out the day I graduated nursing school, so I dragged my boyfriend and family to the theater after the ceremony. Extremely disappointing, even though Charlie Hunnam was frequently shirtless.
  • Kong--Skull Island: Absolutely loved it.
  • Wonder Woman: Boyfriend Redboxed it. Pretty good, but I still prefer MCU.
  • Dead Again In Tombstone: Another Redbox find. I love Danny Trejo, but found it hard to keep track of what the hell was happening.
  • Ingrid Goes West: Aubrey Plaza at her darkly comedic best.
  • Guardians of the Galaxy--Volume 2: Endlessly quotable with a kick-ass soundtrack and A+ casting in Kurt Russell as Peter Quill's estranged father.
  • Star Wars--The Last Jedi: Boyfriend took me. Prior to this, I'd never seen a Star Wars movie all the way through and had zero interest in doing so. I spent the rest of that weekend binging the original trilogy (not gonna lie, the Porgs helped).
  • Spider-Man--Homecoming: Tom Holland is 1,000% more likable than Andrew Garfield or Tobey Maguire.
  • Logan: The ending made me bawl in the theater.
  • Thor--Ragnarok: It's rare for a sequel to be almost better than the original. Really enjoyed the Hemsworth/Ruffalo bromance.
  • Kingsman--The Golden Circle: Elton John's performance alone was worth the price of admission. A worthy follow-up to The Secret Service. Although I'm not happy they killed JB.
TV:
  • After 6 amazing seasons, Longmire had its last roundup. Walt and Vic (finally) hooked up and admitted their feelings for each other. Henry got the happy ending he deserved. 
  • Bates Motel also ended with the expected amount of murder and mayhem. (RIP to yet another Kenny Johnson character, the incestuous Caleb Calhoun). The last man standing in the Bates clan was Norman's illegitimate half-brother Dylan.
  • Kenny Johnson wasn't gone from TV for long before being cast in the revival of S.W.A.T. as team driver and third-generation SWAT cop Dominique Luca. Add in Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds and you have a recipe for sexiness. There's also solid writing by The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan.
  • Sneaky Pete, Amazon's original series starring Giovanni Ribisi as a charming con artist quickly became something I recommended to all my friends.
  • Santa Clarita Diet. Though I am by no means a fan of the zombie genre, I couldn't resist after hearing Timothy Olyphant was attached to it. He and Drew Barrymore are fantastically hilarious as husband and wife trying to cope with Drew's sudden appetite for human flesh.
  • Vice Principals had a solid series finale. I only wish there was more of Walton Goggins as the delightfully foulmouthed and psychotic Lee Russell to look forward to.
Celebrity Encounters: 
Golly days, it might be easier to list who I didn't meet last year. My local comic con, though in a midsize Southern city, attracts some high-profile talent.
  • Theo Rossi AKA Juice from Sons of Anarchy and Shades from Luke Cage. "How you doin', doll?" the first thing he said to me in that New York accent made my knees go weak. I told him Juice was in my top 5 favorite Sons and he asked who else. I listed off Jax (of course), Opie, Chibs, and Kozik. "Really?" said Theo, "I don't hear a lotta people say that." Turns out he's also a big Shield fan and Lem was his favorite character too.
  • Robin Lord Taylor AKA Penguin from Gotham. My cousin and I both cosplayed as Penguinettes (complete with Cobblepot for Mayor buttons), which he thought was absolutely adorable. He was so flattered I have a cat named Oswald that he almost cried. 
  • Jeffrey Dean Morgan. At an absolutely disastrous out-of-state con, measures meant to cut wait time made it worse. My cousin and I waited 4 hours (!!!!). When he heard how long we'd been waiting, Jeffrey said, "Fuck! I'm sorry, girls" and hugged us both.
  • Dee Wallace AKA Patricia of The Frighteners. Very sweet, mild-mannered little old lady. She did a guest role on Supernatural and gleefully described Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles as "yummy."
  • Traci Lords AKA Wanda from Cry-Baby and a vampiress in Blade. And also porn, per my dad. When I brought up Blade, she said, "That heatseeker guy [Kenny Johnson] was actually like super-nice? I don't know what happened to him? I think he's on some cop show now..." 
  • Walter Jones AKA the original Black Power Ranger and Rondell Robinson from The Shield. Told him I was a huge Power Rangers fan growing up, but I really liked him as Rondell. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed, "I was a beast on that show!" Walter danced me around his booth to "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing" by Stevie Wonder, making him one of my more memorable con meetings.
  • Danny Trejo. I love Con-Air, so I wore a fake cop badge and an Air Marshals Put the Bunny in the Box shirt to meet him. I also carried around a pink stuffed bunny in a box labeled POE. Danny's first question was, "What's with the bunny?" I told him what I was referencing.
    He laughed and smiled, telling me this was the first time anybody had ever thought of bringing a Con-Air bunny. He asked where I got my shirt so he could get one just like it. Danny also insisted on the bunny being in the picture and signed the shoe box as Johnny-23, his character from the movie.
2018 is already shaping up to be good. Got some fun plans in the works and will update my blog more often. 

Sunday, November 19, 2017

S.W.A.T. Means "Pamilya"

....And "pamilya" means "family."

Last week, we learned more about newbie Jim Street's background. His mom, Karen, is serving a prison sentence for killing Street's abusive father. She had made numerous domestic violence calls; nothing was done. She unsuccessfully argued self-defense, after which Street wound up in foster care.

This episode opens with Luca blasting Motley Crue's "Kick-start My Heart" as he cruises down the road in Black Betty (AKA the S.W.A.T. truck). The team is on their way to Venice Beach to take down a heroin dealer. Tan shows everyone a picture of Luca curled up on a couch, using his SWAT jacket as a blanket and surrounded by suitcases. "Not again," Chris comments. Hondo isn't thrilled about "Sleeping Beauty" living in the break room, but there's more pressing matters at hand.

The raid at the heroin house nets a surprise for the team: roughly 10 terrified Filipinos locked in a back room. Hostage Javier has a serviceable knowledge of English. Before he can say much, Javier starts foaming at the mouth and keels over from a heroin overdose. Hondo is able to give him Narcan and get him to the hospital.

Father Guzman, a Filipino priest, cautions Hondo that the survivors probably won't talk to the police, even though they aren't illegals. The hostages from the house are all licensed nurses with green cards. Hondo guesses they were forced to swallow balloons of heroin to cover the cost of airfare.

A homicide detective is also interested in the case. He's working the unsolved murders of several Filipino nurses who were found gutted. They were probably killed because they couldn't pass the drugs. The murder victims and the near-misses from the house all had their green cards sponsored by the same employment agency, which recruits staff for local nursing homes.

Street goes to visit his mom (played by Sherilyn Fenn) in prison. Last time I saw her was on the original 21 Jump Street, trying to solicit Johnny Depp to kill her dad for molesting her. Karen has a favor to ask of her little Jimmy. Her friend Deidra is getting out of prison next week and will probably stay with her abusive ex. Can Street warn the guy to stay away? He agrees to help Deidra.

There's trouble in paradise for Luca. His third girlfriend in as many years kicked him out of their apartment, hence his sleeping at work. Street snarks, "So you break up and the girls get your apartment? You need a new lawyer." A thoroughly un-amused Luca pleads to his teammates for a place to crash, but they all have their reasons for saying no:
  • Tan took him in following the last breakup, during which time Luca ran up his grocery delivery bill.
  • Deacon has a new baby. Also, on another occasion Luca slept over, he let Deacon's son stay up all night playing video games; the kid was too tired to go to school the next day.
  • Luca ate all the food in Chris's fridge.
  • Hondo needs his sleep and lovingly describes Luca as "a frat boy his first day away from home."
Luca is upset with them, seeing their refusal as breaking SWAT code, a more sacred version of bro code. As a third-generation SWAT legacy, he takes tradition seriously. Luca is this show's "married to the job" cop, never wanting to settle down with anyone. It's not his fault the girls don't heed his warning.

Street's visit to Deidra's ex (a bad Channing Tatum knockoff named Trey) doesn't go as planned. He's still in uniform and Trey takes his picture. Things get heated and punches are thrown. Street ends up with a black eye and in handcuffs. Fortunately, the uniforms call Hondo as a professional courtesy so Street won't lose his job.

Street explains the ass-kicking was a favor to his mom's friend; he didn't feel like he could say no. Hondo advises him to choose a path: SWAT officer or loose cannon.

Hondo learns more about the drug traffickers. They'd force the nurses to swallow heroin in the Philippines, kidnap said nurse's family member, and have that person swallow heroin too. Both groups were threatened with their loved one's death if anyone talked to the police. Javier was just trying to get his son back.

The culprits behind the heroin muling operation turn out to be the nursing agency's owner and his Filipina wife. Both initially expressed horror, plead ignorance about the drugs, and swore they would never be involved with exploiting Filipinos. The SWAT team intercepts the couple before they flee the country on their private plane. They also rescue Javier's son Paul and the other hostages from a locked shipping container.

Hondo is disappointed in Street's conduct. He tells the rookie he's not getting off without punishment. His sentence? Rooming with Luca until the big guy finds another place to live. Luca is all grins, excitedly chattering about teaching Street to surf and kicking his ass at PlayStation. "We're gonna sleep at some point, right?" the rookie asks worriedly. I wouldn't bet on it...

Hondo visits Mama Street in jail and lets her know how badly her little "favor" could've screwed up Street's career. He found out Deidra's story about Trey the abusive shithead was a lie. Karen's real concern was Deidra could horn in on her turf of smuggling and selling contraband in the jail. Hondo doesn't appreciate Mama Street taking advantage of her kindhearted son.

Shemar Moore always plays the kind of guy who sees himself as a big brother to his younger, more vulnerable team members. Hondo fits in that category, especially when he issues a stern warning to Mama Street: "You mess with him, you mess with me. My family."

Friday, November 3, 2017

Rolling With "S.W.A.T."

This concept has had a couple of iterations over the years: a TV series that only lasted from 1975 to 1976 and an early 2000's movie starring Colin Farrell and Samuel L. Jackson. (I really like both those actors, but that was a resounding "meh" for me).

This show has really been hyped by CBS because it features headliner Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds fame. He's definitely talented, but longtime readers of this blog know who my favorite star is: Kenny Johnson. Add The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan into the mix and it's a recipe for success.

With much anticipation, I sat down with a bowl of popcorn to watch this week's premiere episode.

The show opens with LAPD's SWAT team involved in a high-speed chase. The bad guys they're pursuing abandon their vehicle and attempt to carjack a family. In the process of saving them, a black teenager gets caught in the crossfire. He is seriously wounded by team leader Buck.

The consequences are swift. The next morning, a televised press conference is held and Buck is removed from the team. Next in line for his position is David "Deacon" Kay (Jay Harrington). However, due to the racial nature of the shooting, Daniel "Hondo" Harrelson (Shemar Moore) is promoted to team lead. Hondo protests his colleague being passed over, but is told he's running the team whether he wants to or not.

The rest of Hondo's team consists of driver Luca (Kenny Johnson), K-9 handler/token female Chris (Lina Esco), and new recruit Jim Street (Alex Russell). (He looks so young I'm surprised they don't call him 21 Jump Street). We learn that Street isn't the greatest team player. Chris is in the process of finding a new four-legged partner, as her last one has retired due to hip problems. Luca remains a muscular mystery.

During a community rally, two white people are shot as retaliation for what happened to the teenager. Racial tensions escalate and it's up to Hondo and the team to defuse the situation.

I appreciate that the pilot didn't go straight into info-dump mode. It just scratched the surface of most of the characters, letting us see how they work as a team.

The character we know most about so far is Hondo, who faces the pressure of bridging two worlds. As a resident of his old neighborhood asked, "Are you black or blue?" He also has a forbidden romance with their captain, Jessica. Baby Girls in the audience will appreciate the shirtless boxing scene and steamy shower romp. (The episode also features Kenny Johnson boxing in a muscle shirt and arm-wrestling Street).

Like its predecessor The ShieldS.W.A.T. mixes action with a dose of humor. A group of women in a beauty shop watch as the SWAT Team strolls in to chat up one of the stylists. The parade of gorgeous men causes one woman to remark, "One for each of us." Chris appears at the tail end of the line, so another patron adds, "And one for Denise."

I definitely enjoyed it and will be a faithful viewer.

(Image credit)

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

"I'm Robbing Boats" (Parody of Lonely Island's "I'm On A Boat")

This is the product of too much caffeine, too little sleep, and a bad-ass episode of TNT's Animal Kingdom. I take no credit for the original version. Spoilers dead ahead.


(Photo credit)
Aw shit!
Get your Glocks ready; it's about to go down!
Everybody in the place hit the fuckin' deck
But stay on your motherfuckin' toes
We runnin' this, let's go

I'm robbing boats, I'm robbing boats
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm about to rob a boat
I'm robbing boats, I'm robbing boats
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat

I'm robbing boats, motherfucker, take a look at me
Fancy wedding on a boat on the deep blue sea
We're coming on deck; we don't write demand notes
You can't stop us, Eric, watch us rob this boat

Take a picture, trick
#wheresbaz, bitch
We gonna rob this boat 'cause they're so rich
I got my wetsuit and a cell phone jammer
When they hit Catalina, time to drop the hammer

I'm ridin' on a jetski, doin' flips and shit
And Pope is splashin', gettin' everybody all wet
This ain't a game, bro; this is real as it gets
We robbin' boats, motherfucker, don't you ever forget

I'm on a boat and the engine's dead and
We shakin' down guests for their cash and
Can't call the cops 'cause we in a dead zone
We're the Cody bros and bad is bred, yo

Fuck banks, I'm robbing boats, motherfucker
Fuck with me, I'll pistol-whip ya like my brother
I pull cash off the bride's dress, motherfucker
Marco, what the hell'd you do, motherfucker?

Hey, Smurf, if you could see us now
Bags of swag on the starboard bow
We ran this whole job on our own somehow
Toast to success
Now it's time to fuckin' go

Craig said, "Let's go rob a boat"
We shoulda left Marco at home
Hey, Deran, look at me
Never thought I'd see the day
With a boat wedding comin' my way
Believe me when I say
I fucked a bridesmaid

I'm robbing boats, I'm robbing boats
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm about to rob a boat
I'm robbing boats, I'm robbing boats
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat

Friday, June 16, 2017

Rule #1: "Eat What You Kill" (Animal Kingdom; Season 2, Episode 1)

Last season: Joshua "J" Cody moved in with his grandmother Janine AKA "Smurf" after his mother died of a heroin overdose. He quickly learns his uncles are a robbery crew, headed up by Smurf. J and his uncles robbed Camp Pendleton military base. Craig started having sex with J's 17-year-old ex-girlfriend Nicky. Acting on Mom's orders, Uncle Andrew AKA "Pope" smothered his adopted brother Baz's baby-mama Cath with a pillow. He made it look like Cath left Baz, abandoning their young daughter Lena in the process.

We see Smurf wake up and grope around on her nightstand for last night's leftover vodka cranberry with a twist of lime. Elsewhere, Deran and Craig roar under an overpass on their ATVs (or four-wheelers, as they call them in my neck of the woods). Pope climbs up a nearby roof and cuts the padlock on the access hatch. Baz seems to be following a tour group around; the doors on the freight elevator read ANGEL CITY BREWERY. J is in the truck parked outside.

Watching Smurf put on her makeup, I can't help but think of one of my favorite Disney songs "Perfect Isn't Easy" from Oliver & Company. In her silk robe, Ellen Barkin perfectly channels the poodle who sings the song in the movie. But I digress.

Pope sneaks into the brewery and cuts off the security cameras. Baz and the tour group are off to do a beer tasting. He waits until they all move on, then meets up with Pope, who'd been crouched on the stairs. They go to a makeshift office and strap a safe onto a dolly.

Craig and Deran park their ATVs, the former shimmying up a ladder to open a grate. He passes Baz a black duffel bag full of tools. J sees a delivery truck pull up to one of the brewery's service entrances. He immediately texts his uncles to sound the alarm, then opens the console, where he's stashed his gun. To create a less lethal diversion, J drops two lit road flares into nearby dumpsters.

The delivery driver spots the flames and activates the fire alarm. We hear sirens racing toward the scene. J coolly drives away in the truck. Pope and Baz lower the safe through the manhole on a winch. Craig and Deran load the safe onto a trailer hooked up to one of the ATVs.

At home, Smurf is still primping in front of the mirror.

J puts dummy plates on the truck, along with magnetic signs from the LA Division of Water and Power. He drives through a fence to rendezvous with the others. A homeless man appears in the tunnel with his shopping cart. When Deran swerves to avoid a deadly collision, the ATV tips over. The trailer and safe also thud to the ground. Craig and Baz hastily right the ATV.

The four head for the truck, Pope riding tandem with Deran and Baz sitting behind Craig. They load the safe into the truck bed and toss a blanket over it. Deran and Craig ride away on their ATVs; Pope and Baz stay in the truck with J.

While Pope cracks the safe, Craig chugs some tequila, laughing to himself. Deran grabs the bottle and pissily asks what's so funny. "You remember when you and Pope duct taped this to that shopping cart when we were kids with the Roman candles on the side? Sent it down Quarry Hill?" asks Craig, "I still have a scar on my ass from when I bounced out of it." "You got off easy, man. I went off the cliff in that thing," says Deran, "I hit the lake like cement."

Pope tugs on the safe's handle. The fruits of the boys' labor look more like the inside of Al Capone's vault.

(Photo credit)
 "Oh, you gotta be shitting me," says Baz, looking at two small piles of money. Pope grips his head; he can't believe it either. In a fit of temper, Deran smashes the tequila bottle.

When the boys get home, Smurf is dishing out the traditional post-heist snack of apple pie. Baz drops their tiny haul on the counter. Deran, sporting a wicked scrape on his cheek, cracks a beer.

The Codys assemble in the living room to debrief Smurf. Deran slumps on the couch, holding an ice pack on his face. Pope deliberately sits with his back to Smurf. No one saw them at the brewery, which, according to Baz is "the only thing about the job that went right." Smurf praises J for his quick thinking in starting the fire.

"We're all okay, by the way," grumbles Pope. Deran thought there was supposed to be more money "north of 90 grand." Smurf flares her nostrils and breathes hard, staring them down. When she finally speaks, she says, "Let's go eat that pie." Pope is quietly incredulous: "We risked our lives for $500 and all she can talk about is pie." Deran gripes that $500 would've at least been an even split.

Pope wants Smurf to explain herself; they all pitched her other ideas for jobs and she shot them down. "One job goes wrong and you're all whining like a bunch of spoiled brats!" says Smurf. (It could be argued that they're all overgrown brats, but anyway..) "What about the jobs that raised you all your lives?"

The boys are still living off their respective cuts of Pendleton. Craig argues Baz is the one who planned that job. Pope says acidly, "Why don't you have another drink, Smurf? I wonder how many cocktails she had when she had the brilliant idea for us to hit a brewery." Smurf looks like she wants to slap him.

Instead, Smurf says, "Maybe it was your fault." They're the ones who thought no one used the northeast gate. Pope says no one did during their weeks of scouting. Do they even know they took the right safe? Yes, and it only had $3,000 in it.

Deran (correctly) accuses Smurf of trying to pit them all against each other. She steps in front of her youngest and starts shouting at him. Baz tries to get her to calm down (yeah, good luck). Smurf rounds on him: "I have to go pick up your kid at school...unless it was something you were planning on doing." Baz doesn't try to stop her, even though she's obviously drunk.

With Mom gone, the boys have a powwow out by the pool. "Why are we still letting her run shit?" Deran demands, "We should just kick her to the curb, man. We're not 12 anymore." Baz thinks Deran is making empty threats; last time he was that pissed, he disappeared to Belize for a few weeks and came right back home.

Pope says, "She doesn't give a shit about any of us. We know it; that's the most pathetic part." She just uses them. He's right, of course, but J gives Smurf the benefit of the doubt. Baz understands they're all pissed, but suggests they talk to her "calmly and with respect" about changing how they operate.

Pope has had enough of their mom's bullshit and will pull solo jobs if he has to. The others agree to talk to Smurf. Craig will go "surf it off" with Deran until Mom gets home.

At a seedy bar, Deran locks eyes with a topless wooden mermaid. A black woman sits next to him. Deran slaps a rubber-banded pack of cash onto the bar, $34,000 in all. He asks for more time; he can get the rest. "I wanna help you, kid, but it's gotta be the full 50 or else...there's nothing I can do," she says.

On her way home, Smurf visits Teddy, her inside man on the Angel City job. She wants to know what went wrong: "You said the brewery paid their illegals with cash." That's correct, but payday is the first Thursday of the month and today is Tuesday.

(Image credit)
Smurf dazedly wanders back to the truck.

Pope sits alone in the desert, flashing back to the night he buried Cath. He sifts sand through his fingers, looking mournful.

Back at home, Craig is watching a skateboard competition on TV while J does physics homework. Craig sighs when his phone buzzes: "Not again. How many times do I have to say the flu?" We see the conversation he's having. Nicky texted, 'Puking too?' Craig replies, 'Yeah, the whole deal.' 

Deran arrives and asks where Pope is. "If he shows, he shows. We don't need him," says Baz. Smurf comes in with Lena. The little girl asks if they can go to the park like Baz promised. Baz tells her to go in the other room and watch cartoons.

Smurf pours herself another vodka cranberry and sits at the table with them. Baz tells her Pope is out "buying a lamp or something" for his new place. He apologizes for the way they all acted earlier: "Who's to blame shouldn't be the point here."

Baz politely tells Smurf they want more say in choosing jobs, pointing out the obvious: "We're not kids anymore; we're grown men here." "Oh, I'm the boss, all right," she counters. Have they all been conspiring against her while she was out? If Smurf wasn't the boss, the three older men would "be in prison right now, or worse."

Smurf recites a litany of terrible things that could've happened had she not intervened: When Baz was younger, Smurf had to bribe a cop to get him out of a jam involving an ATM robbery. Deran got involved with the Hells Angels, shit went wrong, and the bikers "thought [you'd] do better without a tongue." She reminds middle child Craig of last season's naked chair-pissing incident.

Smurf angrily pounds on the table. Baz plays diplomat; they're being honest with her out of respect. They're the ones who take all the risks, so they should get a say in the jobs they pull. It's also unfair that Smurf decides the split.

Smurf lays even more guilt on her adopted son: "When you first showed up at my house, you hadn't eaten a meal in a week! It took me three months to get that lice out of your hair!" Baz yells back, "And not a day goes by you don't throw that in my face! How long exactly do I have to keep kissing your ass for?" "For the rest of your goddamn life," growls Smurf.

Baz adds that "Pope's not even here 'cause he can't stand the sight of you." He's also the person who tries to convince Smurf's biological children "that you're not the cold-hearted bitch you seem to be." Baz leaves the kitchen, followed by Deran with Craig on his heels. Throughout the argument, J has stayed in place and not said a word.

Smurf tells them to go ahead. She'll see how long they last without her. J watches as his grandmother's eyes fill with tears.

Craig snorts a line while Deran drives along in his Scout. The youngest Cody will never forget the look on their mom's face when they walked out on her. Craig thumps the dashboard with his fist and laughs, "No more sucking Mommy's dick!" Closeted Deran lets that pass without comment.

Deran tells Craig not to get his hopes up about everyone getting equal shares; Baz and Pope will be just as bad as Smurf. "We're just grunts to them." They need to come up with their own ideas, like a yacht job Deran's been contemplating.

"We also need to get J involved," says Deran, "Say what you want, the kid's got balls." J has to be confused after watching the fight; it'd be easy to get in his head. Craig asks how they can pull that off. Deran has the novel idea of being nice to J.

Baz tells Pope he should've come to the family meeting. Pope doesn't think that would've changed anything; in fact, it would've gone worse. "Unless you were gonna stab her in the face, it's hard to imagine," says Baz. Oh, don't tempt him.

They sit down at a bar and order beers. Baz has an idea for their next job: New Canticle, a local megachurch. They'll have J help "if he's willing to piss off Grandma." However it goes down, they have to give Smurf a cut. "She's got her building; she's not gonna starve," says Pope, adding, "I wouldn't give a shit if she did starve." He flat out refuses to pay her. Pope goes so far as to wish Smurf had "dropped me and Julia off at a firehouse door the day she had us."

At a gas station, Craig leans against Deran's truck, texting away. Deran comes out of the convenience store and puts something in the cooler. "The kid broke up with her. Why can't you?" he asks his older brother. Craig wants to keep her close because her dad helped them rip off Camp Pendleton.

Deran asks if Craig filled the gas tank. Nope, Craig's credit card got declined. Deran says, "So you've just been standing here not pumping gas?" Uh, pretty much. Deran tries his card, wondering if Craig forgot to pay the bill. Craig says that's Smurf's job. Deran's card works and he wants to pull a job before it doesn't anymore.

"Don't you have to get Lena?" Pope asks when Baz orders another round of beer. Baz shrugs, "It's not even late." Besides, babysitting is a good distraction for Smurf. Baz has still been seeing Lucy, his Tijuana mistress. Lucy doesn't know Cath left because "she'd be up here with a U-Haul in two minutes."

Baz is lonely and horny. He wants to try picking up the blond woman who's been eyeing him; Pope could flirt with her dark-haired friend. Pope declines and leaves the bar. Next thing we know, Baz is at the blond's house; she's rather enthusiastically having sex with him.

Smurf pulls up to the garage in her sports car. She lets Lena out of the backseat and tells her to go inside and get their movie ready. A man in his twenties or thirties is standing behind Smurf: "Manny said you'd still look good. You recognize me? I'm all grown." The guy, Javi, has left her 10 messages.

Javi wants to take Smurf to see Manny (whoever he is). Smurf invites Javi into the garage for a beer. When she opens the refrigerator, we see a pearl-handled revolver taped to the back of the milk carton. Smurf makes it plain Manny isn't getting more money from her; their deal is $5,000 a month like always.

"He's dying," Javi informs her. He's parked up the block. Smurf tells Javi he has another thing coming: "You don't hop my fence and tell me to get in a car." Javi more or less orders her to say goodbye to Manny. She will, but on her own terms.

When it seems a kidnapping might be impending, Smurf opens the fridge and reaches for the milk. Javi asks if Smurf sings Lena to sleep the way she used to with him. He walks away, adding, "You won't need that gun."

Deran parks the Scout by the bar he visited earlier. Craig asks if they're robbing it for termites. Deran scoffs that they aren't casing the joint. The bar's owner just died and the widow doesn't want the place. Deran needs cash to buy it. Craig immediately spots a problem with the place: "You can't even see the 'open' sign."

J leaves his bike outside, entering the house through the sliding glass door. Smurf is drinking again. "Can I still live here?" J asks. Smurf replies warmly, "Of course, baby." J is sure his uncles didn't mean half of what they said earlier. Smurf doesn't have a problem if he wants to do jobs with them, "but you can't be a spy if you want them to trust you. Or at least, you can't have them think you're one."

Smurf has a present for her favorite grandson: a credit card with no limit. "I trust you'll be responsible," she smiles. J doesn't know what to say other than thanks. When he moved in with Smurf, all he had was a backpack full of worn-out clothes, an old bike, and sneakers with holes in them.

Baz lies flat on his back in the woman's bed, alone. He pulls on his jeans and walks toward the sound of the running shower. When the blond realizes he's there, she clamps her arms over her bare breasts. Baz is hungry and suggests they go out to eat together. The woman rudely declines and tells him to let her shower in peace. Baz goes back to sit on her bed, clearly depressed.

Nicky power-walks toward Craig's place and starts banging on the door. Annoyed, he comes out of his room, pulling a shirt over his head. When he answers, Nicky pushes her way in, talking a mile a minute. She just had "an epic fight" with her parents because "Guam is really happening." She's been texting him about it.

Craig lies that he's been sleeping. Nicky's dad has accepted a new job running the sewage-treatment plant at a Navy base in Guam and wants the whole family to go with him. Craig gives her some advice: "Tell your dad to eat a bag of dicks and Guam can kiss your ass."

Nicky starts looking through the cabinets: "Do you have any tequila or coke? I'll take any altered state I can get right now." Craig keeps up his I-have-the-flu story; the doctor said he's still contagious. Nicky offers to heat up some of the soup she brought over. "I don't wanna get you sick," says Craig. Nicky asks him to text when he feels better and gives him a kiss.

When Nicky's gone, Craig takes the container of soup into his room and flops onto the bed. "Who was that?" asks the naked woman next to him. Craig says, "My nephew's girlfriend. You want soup?"

In her room, Smurf is wearing pajamas and smoking a joint while she plays checkers with Lena. Enter Baz. "I told you your daddy would come back...eventually," says Smurf. Baz apologizes for not telling her he'd be gone all night. Smurf sends Lena to pack up her overnight bag.

Baz lets his adoptive mom know she'll still get a 10% cut of their jobs. Smurf scoffs she hasn't needed anyone to take care of her since she was 11. Baz thinks it's the right thing to do "'cause you always took care of me." "You bet I did," says Smurf.

Before she can reiterate how much Baz owes her, Lena comes in, looking for her stuffed animal. Smurf thinks Tigey is by the pool; she'll help her look.

J rides his bike out of the garage, eating a cereal bar. When the gate opens, Deran is waiting for him. He tells the kid they're all going to Baz's to plan some things. J can't; it's a school day. Deran doesn't think it'll hurt to miss a day. Doesn't J want to be part of the robbery crew? He and Craig think he should be.

J relents. Deran puts his bike in the bed of the truck, saying, "I never went to school." "I can tell, man," J sasses.

In Baz's kitchen, Deran lays out his plan for robbing a wedding on a yacht. They'll wait until it's out at sea, "shake down the guests, kill the engine." Baz doesn't see how they can case it. Pope worries more about making a clean getaway in the middle of the ocean.

Baz wants to move ahead with New Canticle, like they were going to two years prior. Pope jabs at Deran, "Unless one camera and a fat guy is too much security for you." Craig breezes in through the sliding door, asking what he missed.

"These guys wanna hit a church. New Canticle," Deran tells them. Craig doesn't like the idea; it's too close to home. Besides, "ripping off a church? What kinda shit karma is that gonna be?" If Craig Cody thinks your plan is immoral, you really need to check yourself. Baz thinks it's a little late for any of them to worry about karma.

Lena interrupts, bringing Baz a picture she drew. Baz tells her to draw another. Lena asks if they can go to the beach, a reasonable request considering it's just across the street. Baz tells her no.

Deran wants to take a vote, megachurch vs. yacht: "J can be the swing." Everyone vehemently disagrees with that. Craig thought equal votes and shares was the new plan. Well, it's kinda hard to have equal votes when there's an odd number of people on your robbery crew.

Deran points at Baz and Pope: "Are you guys gonna be the tiebreaker?" Are they gonna change the rules on even splits too? In a word, yes. Pope feels if someone does more planning or takes more of the risk, they should get a bigger share. They argue about the finer points, like who gets to decide or what if not everyone is involved in the job.

"Daddy?" says Lena. Baz screams, "What?! Lena, how many times do I have to tell you? No beach today, not happening." Lena doesn't cry, but it's obvious she's stunned and hurt. Uncle Pope steps in; he'll take her if Baz says it's okay. Baz agrees; he clearly just wants the kid out of his hair.

Baz dismisses everyone but J. Baz knows everyone thinks it was smart of J to start a fire, "but I think bringing cops to the scene really screwed us." I don't know how things work in Los Angeles, but here in the South, PD doesn't roll with FD without a reason. Being lookout just means observing. J says, "Next time you're about to get caught, I'll just stay in the truck, right?"

Pope stands on the outskirts of the beach playground, watching the kids on the swings. One of the moms approaches Pope: "Your daughter's an expert. It's been, what, like an hour?" Pope asks if another kid on the swings is the woman's son: "He's--he's really good at that."

Playground Mom defies all parenting logic by asking this perfect stranger, "Could you watch him for a second? I just have to change the baby. I left the wipes in the car." Pope can do that, sure.

Still in her PJs, Smurf wraps up five slices of untouched pie. She sighs, holding back tears. Smurf opens the fridge and takes out several big packages of meat.

Lucy meets up with Baz at a bar, impressed that they're being so public: "What if Cath walks in with the guy she's cheating on you with?" Baz doesn't think she's coming back and he wouldn't take her back even if she did. How about they go back to his place? "Am I supposed to just jump at the chance?" asks Lucy, raising her eyebrows, "Is Cath's stuff still at your house?" She'll think about coming over once it's gone. Baz sighs again as his phone vibrates.

Deran goes to Craig's house and finds his brother snorting lines. "You're not doing that shit," he says firmly, "Stop it!" "Are you kidding me?" Craig yells when Deran knocks his mirror over. Deran thought Craig was taking a shower so they could talk more about the yacht. "I was gonna!" Craig insists.

"Showing up to Baz's all coked out...it's not a good look," says Deran. I agree. Smurf and the others treat them like kids because Craig makes it easy. "Get your shit together, man! I'm sick of this! Responsibility!" Deran shouts. Not a word the Codys know a lot about, but Craig is pretty out of control.

At the same time, they get texts from Smurf, announcing meat loaf at 7:00. Craig snarks, "Well, better make sure she takes the first bite." (And also that they don't try to steal Pope's portion). This is a very shrewd move on her part. Smurf knows none of them can cook and the way to her sons' hearts is through their stomachs.

Nicky walks in without knocking, declaring, "I told my dad to eat shit. I'm not going anywhere." She plops down on the couch like she belongs there. Deran gives Craig an I-thought-you-two-broke-up look.

The older Cody boys arrive at the compound roughly the same time, even Pope. Baz is surprised he came. "I sorta had to. I've got Lena," says Pope, opening his car's back door. Baz, who clearly forgot about his own kid, mumbles, "Right." "Uncle Pope bought me ice cream," Lena chirps. Baz sends her in to say hi to Smurf.

Later, Lena plays inside while the adults finish dinner. Smurf is glad everyone still likes meatloaf. "I think we all had a pretty tough day yesterday. Now this is a family and that's never gonna change," she says, then calls for a toast, "May we all get what we want..." "...And never what we deserve," the boys chorus.

Smurf eagerly asks about their next plan, but no one answers. She understands the silence and offers help if they need it. Dutiful grandson J will help her serve dessert.

Elsewhere, a home health nurse changes an IV bag. She tells Javi, "He started screaming again. I upped the morphine on his drip." She steps out for a smoke. The bedside table is littered with prescription bottles. There's also a tape recorder and a small collection of tapes.

Pope stays outside at the table while the others help Smurf wrap up the leftovers. I'm surprised there are any with that crew. Baz comes out to take Lena home and thanks Pope for watching her. J goes to collect the rest of the dishes. Pope whispers in his ear, "Just be careful, man, okay?" J watches for a long minute as Smurf opens a fresh bottle of vodka. End of episode.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

"King Arthur: Legend of the Sword"

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Ever since I saw the first trailer, I've been eagerly anticipating this movie for two reasons. The first being my longtime crush on the crown prince of Charming, Charlie Hunnam. The second reason was its release date: May 12th, the day I would graduate with my RN degree. Watching shirtless Charlie bare-knuckle box and sword fight was my graduation gift to myself.

Guy Ritchie, director of the Robert Downey Jr. version of Sherlock Holmes, took a lot of poetic license with the original King Arthur story. I don't remember a morbidly obese octopus woman demanding human sacrifices in exchange for magical intervention. Merlin is conspicuously absent. Instead of noble knights, Charlie Hunnam's companions are a group of peasant misfits.

The plot itself borrows heavily from Shakespeare's Hamlet. Arthur was born the son of King Uther (how's that for a confusing name pair?). Uther's brother Vortigern (Jude Law) wanted the throne for himself and dabbled in black magic. When Arthur was a child, Vortigern murdered his parents.

Set adrift in a rowboat, young Arthur is found and taken in by a group of women who live and work in a brothel. Arthur starts off with simple chores like sweeping the floors and pouring drinks. By the time he's a teenager, he graduates to bouncing unruly customers who refuse to pay or beat up the girls.

Arthur is eventually captured and taken by boat to Vortigern's remote castle, along with dozens of other young men. Vortigern is desperately searching for the Born King, the only one who can pull the enchanted sword Excalibur from the stone and then challenge his rule. As anyone who's heard the original legend knows, the Born King is Arthur.

A further plot twist involves Excalibur itself. The sword possesses magical energy, which Arthur must learn to control. Helping him with this task is a hauntingly beautiful woman known only as The Mage. Arthur at first has no interest in power, but eventually accepts his destiny. The movie avoids the cliche of having Arthur fall in love with The Mage. According to legend, his one true love is Guinevere, a character who's also not in this version.

The writing, sense of humor, and even the score is much the same as Sherlock Holmes. The special effects and fight sequences are impressive. I had a small quibble with the way it was filmed, however. I saw a 2-D screening and it was glaringly obvious (sometimes to the point of distraction) which portions were meant to be in 3-D. The pacing could've been done better. The first 20-30 minutes are slow and contain almost no dialogue, which made me fear I made a terrible mistake deciding to watch it.

Is this movie as good as Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes? Not even close. Were the trailers misleading about the amount of shirtless Charlie Hunnam? A little. Is watching him kick ass with his sword and bare hands an entertaining way to spend two hours? Absolutely.

"I'm all about the chivalry, darlin'."
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Saturday, March 25, 2017

Bates Motel: "Hidden"/"Dreams Die First" (Season 5, Episodes 4 & 5)

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"Hidden" opens with the immediate aftermath of Caleb vs. car. Norman, of all people, wants to call the police; this was just a nasty accident and nobody can be prosecuted. Chick begs to differ. They can't explain away the handcuff bruise on Caleb's wrist or his partly-healed head wound. Chick tosses Caleb's body in his trunk and later strips him naked and gives him a Viking funeral out at the lake. Community-minded Norman tosses Caleb's clothes in a local Goodwill bin (after laundering out the blood, of course).

Norman gives some of Mother's old dresses to Madeline from the hardware store (creepy). In turn, she invites Norman over for dinner while her husband is out of town. When they finish eating, Madeline suggests they bake a cake and watch movies. This escalates to making out in her kitchen. Norman, of course, reacts by running out of there like his ass is on fire. It's not because Madeline's a married woman and this is adultery; no, it's because Mother wouldn't like this one bit.

There's also a new sheriff in town and she seems to find something suspicious about Norman. Romero is still hitchhiking his way to White Pine Bay to murder Norman.

Confession: Not only am I remiss in watching the first 4 seasons of Bates Motel, I also have never seen the original version of Psycho. I can't really comment on how true the next episode "Dreams Die First" is to the source material. All I know is that Rihanna's character Marion becomes the victim of the eventual gruesome shower scene. She's also the woman Madeline's husband brought to the motel.

Marion wants to be promoted at her job, which her boss can't do because she doesn't have a college degree. Her lover Sam is deeply in debt, prompting to Marion to leave town with a briefcase full of cash and instructions to meet Sam in White Pine Bay. Marion gets caught in a vicious thunderstorm. The episode ends with her pulling up to the infamous Bates Motel.

In between, there's a side trip to Seattle. Dylan seems to be feeling just slightly guilty about throwing his dad out. He also confesses to Emma that earrings she wears once belonged to Norma. Dylan is worried that Norma could've hurt their mom. (Boy, is he in for nasty surprises if he goes to investigate).

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Bates Motel: "Bad Blood" (Season 5, Episode 3)

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In a Twitter video posted yesterday, Kenny Johnson promised this episode would be an "out of the park home run." Bates Motel did not disappoint. In fact, I'm pretty sure that ball hasn't even landed yet.

When we last left the Haunted Mansion, Norman had just whacked Caleb over the head with a shovel while dressed as Norma. Chick witnessed this and seemed more fascinated than disturbed. Norman, still acting as Norma, handcuffed Caleb to a post in the basement.

Norman woke up in Norma's room with no recollection of Caleb even being in the house. Chick brought Norman breakfast in bed and refreshed his memory on that. He spent the rest of the episode playing along with Norman's delusions about Norman being alive/and or Norman himself being Norma.

Chick also pays a visit to the basement, playing amateur psychiatrist to Caleb, whose head injury makes him by turns loopy and weepy. Caleb tells Chick how Mama Calhoun used to lock him and Norma in their bedroom, sometimes for a couple of days at a stretch. It was always okay, though, because they had each other. That goes a long way toward explaining how things worked out.

Chick asks, "When did you two break up?", a bizarre question to ask of siblings on any other show. Caleb says Norma left when she was 17 and married one of her high school classmates; he had no idea she was pregnant with Dylan. When Chick inquires about Norma alleging rape, Caleb as good as confesses by saying he doesn't want to talk about it.

Norma and Norman spend most of the episode debating on whether to kill Caleb. Mother says yes, Norman says no, but we all know Mother is always right. Norman goes downstairs and puts a revolver to his uncle's head. Caleb doesn't seem to care if his nephew pulls the trigger; in fact, he tells Norman to get on with it. Instead, Norman uncuffs Caleb, telling him to run away and never return a la Scar from The Lion King.

While all this is going on, Romero escapes his transfer to another prison with the classic "I have to pee" scam. He knocks out and cuffs the U.S. Marshal escorting him, then carjacks a customer at the gas station. When that car runs out of gas (?), Romero pushes it down a hill in a wooded area. His attempt to steal a farmer's station wagon is thwarted by the farmer's young, shotgun-toting daughter. Will he survive his wounds?

Unbeknownst to Norman and Norma, Chick has been secretly recording all the crazy stuff going on. (Last week in the bar, he was scribbling in a notebook). Chick plans on turning Norman's story into a book. While running errands for our young serial killer, he buys a typewriter. You know it's bad when the guy who raped and impregnated his own sister is the most normal person in the house.

Freed from the basement, Caleb sprints down the deserted road, screaming for help. Chick gets a text from Norman and takes his eyes off the road for a second, only to look up and see Caleb. Chick slams on the brakes, but it's too late. He smashes right into Caleb! Next week, Norman and Chick will have to deal with dumping the body of Norma's brother/baby daddy.

Even though I haven't seen the previous 4 seasons straight through, I have to say Caleb was an interesting character. His (major) mental issues weren't entirely his fault; he just wanted to be loved and looked for that affection in a very wrong place. Rejected by everyone else, Caleb sought refuge with Norma again, only to find out her son killed her, stuffed her body in a freezer for a while, and then mummified her. The scene where he hallucinates that Norman really is Norma was heartbreaking stuff ("I love you, Norma Louise").

It takes an exceptionally talented actor to make someone like Caleb even remotely likable. Bates Motel showrunners knew what they were doing when they cast Kenny Johnson. Even with his dark past, Caleb had moments of being charming and almost sweet. Take for example the season premiere. Emma kicked him out, but he still promised to do the dishes after his midnight snack; Caleb even folded the blankets before he left. Nevertheless, you don't forget who Caleb really is or what he's done. I'd put this performance on the same level as Johnny Depp's portrayal of Sweeney Todd.

RIP Caleb. I hardly knew ya.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Bates Motel: "Dark Paradise"/"The Convergence of the Twain" (Season 5, Episodes 1 & 2)

Full disclosure: I have not seen every single episode of this show (not even close). I tried to get into it back in 2013, but was so confused/off-put by Norma still dressing like it's 1955 while Norman has an iPod. The background information I know is cobbled together from the episodes I've watched intermittently and "previously on" segments. Spoiler alerts for this whole thing.
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Season 5 begins on a nice, sunny day. Norman wakes up in Mother's room and goes downstairs to find she's whipped up a lovely breakfast for them. They chitchat about Norman redecorating the motel rooms and such. The scene changes; the kitchen is really an utter disaster and there's no food on the table. It seems that last season ended with Norman murdering Mommy Dearest, taxidermying her corpse, and stuffing it in the basement. In Norman's mind, Norma is merely pretending to be dead and can't leave the house because of that. Norma, of course, is bitter and resentful.

When Norman goes to the hardware store to buy paint, he's intrigued by the blond female employee who dresses a hell of a lot like Mom. He realizes he has a stranger's wallet and almost uses it to pay. I have more than a slight suspicion he's been murdering the guests. Norman is quick to let everyone in town know he's adjusting to life without Norma quite nicely, thank you very much.

Norman has taken over the managerial duties of the motel. David Davidson (tell me that's not an alias) tries to rent a room for a few hours. "We're not that kind of establishment," Norman says haughtily. (No, just the kind where the occasional guest is murdered and the manager spies on guests having sex with their mistresses).

Meanwhile, Norman's older, illegitimate half-brother Dylan has gotten the hell out of White Pine Bay. He lives in Seattle, has a real job (last I saw he was starting his own pot farm), and is married to Emma. I remember her as the cystic fibrosis patient from Season 1 who lost her virginity to Dylan. She's no longer sick and the couple has a baby. Dylan throws a wholesome suburban barbecue to celebrate Emma's birthday.

An unexpected visitor turns up on their porch: Dylan's uncle/father Caleb (Kenny Johnson), who's flat broke after running into God knows what trouble in Canada. Is it cool if he crashes on their couch for a while? They let him in. Caleb asks to hold his granddaughter/great-niece Katie, revealing that he's done some Facebook-stalking to see her pictures.

Later that night, Emma wakes up because Caleb is making as much noise as possible while helping himself to half her birthday cake. Caught red-handed, he mumbles an apology; he was just too hungry to sleep. Had it been any other show, Emma might've joined him for a slice.

Emma owes a debt to Caleb that she can never repay; it seems he spent almost everything he had on a lung transplant that saved Emma's life. This allowed her to become a wife and mother, two things she never thought possible. Caleb is all "aw, shucks, you never need to thank me for that." In almost the same breath, Emma tells Caleb he needs to get the hell out of their house. She knows her husband Dylan is the byproduct of Caleb impregnating his own sister Norma.

Former sheriff Alex Romero is still in prison on some kind of frame job. He can't wait to get out and seek revenge on Norman.

The second episode "The Convergence of Twain" cranks the intensity up to 11. Norman is disappointed to learn his hardware store crush Madeline is married. Hoping to ease the hurt, Madeline offers to take Norman on a double date with her friend Joanne. Norman instantly recognizes Madeline's husband Sam as last week's "David Davidson." Sam, a real charmer, threatens to kick Norman's scrawny ass if he tells Madeline about his adultery.

Norma meddles, confronting her son about Joanne in the restaurant bathroom. She asks if he's gonna be "one of those guys" that dates someone just like his mother. At the end of the date, Norman gives Joanne the brush-off. Mother knows best, after all.

Oh yeah, Alex picked a fight in prison and purposely lost. He was able to convince the warden it's too dangerous behind bars for an ex-cop, so he'll be getting out soon.

There's another interesting scene where Norma pouts about not being able to leave the house. To pass the time, she uses language-learning software on Norman's computer to teach herself French. Among useful phrases like "The cherry is red," Norma practices saying, "The traitor was hung." First of all, it's "hanged." Second of all, why is that phrase even in the program?

Emma and Dylan seem surprised to find neatly folded blankets and a note from Caleb on their couch, even though Emma kicked him out last episode. Caleb drifts back to White Pine Bay to visit Norma. While checking into a different motel, the clerk informs him that Norma committed suicide a while back. Caleb is sure it's impossible; he was just visiting Norma's other son and he didn't mention that.

Caleb goes to the cemetery, where, sure enough, he finds a headstone with Norma's name on it. There's also an extremely long, flowery epitaph signed "Norman." Caleb falls apart, sobbing and hugging the tombstone. As bizarre and twisted as his relationship with Norma was, I felt really bad for Caleb. He and Norma grew up with crazy, abusive parents; the siblings could only rely on each other. (That in no way excuses what Caleb eventually did). Now rejected by his son and new daughter-in-law, Caleb has nobody to turn to. Whoever you are, that's a sad situation to be in.

After composing himself, Caleb goes to what I call the Haunted Mansion in search of his other nephew. The pile of dirty dishes in the sink and dust everywhere further convince him that his sister is dead. Curiously, it appears as though somebody is sleeping in Norma's room while Norman's bed is neatly made. Caleb also finds taxidermy books and gets spooked enough to leave.

Caleb drowns his sorrows at a local bar. Chick, played by fellow Sons of Anarchy alum Ryan Hurst, expresses disgust about Caleb's incestuous relationship with Norma and almost gets strangled for it. Caleb is adamant she wouldn't have committed suicide; he had warned her that Norman might snap. Why, oh why, didn't she listen?

Loaded up on liquid courage, Caleb takes a taxi back to the motel. He stalks the halls of the old house, screaming for Norman. He makes it to the basement and discovers Norma's body. Stealth mode Norman creeps up behind his uncle, clocks him over the head, and knocks him unconscious. Also, Norman is wearing a blond wig and a particularly hideous dress of Mother's.

Seeing the first 2 episodes of Season 5 has really made me want to go back and catch up on all the littler details I might be missing. The second episode in particular had a great, old-school horror movie feel to it. I was literally on the edge of my couch, shouting, "No! Don't go in the basement, you idiot!" I think Chick summed up the situation best: "Holy shit."

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Sunday, January 15, 2017

"True Memoirs of an International Assassin"

Sam Larson (Kevin James) lives an average life working 9-5 for an insurance company. However, his alter ego Mason Carver AKA the Ghost spends his days taking out high-profile targets. Sam's novel Memoirs of an International Assassin is heavily based on his elderly friend Amos' career with the Mossad. After a lot of rejection letters, Sam finds a company that's willing to publish his book. However, International Assassin is released as nonfiction.

Sam is kidnapped and finds himself in Venezuela. A rebel group, having read and believed his story, hires him to kill the country's president. Sam is reluctant at first, but is drawn in by the beautiful and mysterious Rosa (Zulay Henao). He accidentally meets with one of the president's top advisers, who gives Sam a contract to assassinate Anton Masovich, a flamboyant Russian drug lord.

I found Kevin James to be pretty believable as the likable, bumbling writer who's suddenly thrust into real matters of life and death. Rosa grated on my nerves a bit. Kim Coates, Tig of Sons of Anarchy fame, has what amounts to a cameo role as Presidente Cueto. Even though there's a lack of screen time, you never fail to notice his presence. El Presidente also has some of the best one-liners in the movie.  

The plot and writing style is best described as Tropic Thunder goes James Bond (a shorter, somewhat weaker version). But unlike Ben Stiller's character in that movie, Sam is aware that he's not the Ghost and is completely out of his element.

True Memoirs is only available on Netflix. I recommend it for light viewing, a lot of laughs, and Kim Coates. Music fans might also enjoy trying to pick out what songs have been changed from their original English.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

It's Pope's Party and He'll Cry If He Wants To

On last week's episode of Animal Kingdom, the Cody family prepared to celebrate Pope's birthday, the first one in a long time where he was home and not incarcerated. Craig and Deran plan a super fun day of surfing, paintball, and skydiving. Pope is in a foul mood because those are all things they like to do and it's his birthday, dammit.

What his birthday cake should've looked like. (Photo credit)
Pope also doesn't want his birthday ruined with any mention of his recently-deceased twin sister. You'd think that would be a sore spot with nephew Jay, but he shrugs it off and goes along for the adrenaline-fueled festivities. After some alcohol and cake, Craig, Deran, and Pope take their underage nephew to a strip club. Somebody (I think it was Craig) tries to buy Jay a lap dance, which the teen declines. Pope goes into the back of the club to have sex with one of the strippers, but he has some, uh, performance issues.

Later on, Pope and Jay do some great uncle/nephew bonding, drinking literally on top of Jay's mother's grave. Oh, and P.S. Deran's name is pronounced "Darren."

Thursday, June 16, 2016

"Animal Kingdom" No, Not the One at Disney

It was hard to glean the exact premise of this show from the trailers, so I checked out the two-part premiere on Tuesday night. Our story begins with the protagonist, 17-year-old Josh, finding himself with nowhere to go when his single mother dies of a heroin overdose right in front of him. He calls his grandma Janine, who hasn't seen him in over a decade. Granny kindly agrees to have Josh move into her Southern California beach house.

Once there, Janine immediately drops the last 3 letters of Josh's name and refers to him as J. J's three uncles also live with Granny Janine. There's fresh out of prison Andrew (nickname Pope), who's also his dead mom's twin brother. (Fans of Southland will recognize him as Detective Sammy Bryant). Long-haired Craig is the middle child and the baby of the family is Deran (not sure if it's pronounced like "Darren"). Baz, a family friend, seems to live there as well. To welcome J, Janine throws a barbecue/pool party, at which there's lots of alcohol, weed, and jumping off the roof into the pool. The uncles also take J surfing.

Unbeknownst to J, Granny Janine runs a family business with an iron fist. Her sons and Baz dabble in armed robbery and smash-and-grabs, hence Pope's prison sentence. They're a stealthy bunch; they wear all black and ski masks or motorcycle helmets to hide their faces. At the end of Part 1, they rob a local jewelry store. However, everything goes sideways, as heists are wont to do. Craig is shot in the arm by store security; one of the guards is hit and killed by the getaway car. The next day, the dead guard is identified one the local news as a police officer who was moonlighting.

The heat is now on for the Cody clan. Granny Janine orders Craig and Deran to disassemble the getaway car and toss it in the ocean. She has no idea about her middle child's injury. Craig can't go to the hospital for his gunshot wound thanks to those pesky police notification policies and quickly develops a raging infection. Deran decides to just set the damn car on fire since his brother can't help take it apart. J has already given one of the stolen watches to his girlfriend. His pissed-off uncles tell him to get it back. By the end of the episode, I'm sure J is thinking he might have been better off on his own or in foster care versus living with this bunch.

Granny Janine, nicknamed Smurf for unknown reasons, almost but not quite gives Gemma Teller-Morrow a run for her money in the crazy bitch department. Uncle Pope is pretty open about hating J because Smurf is letting him sleep in Pope's room. He follows J around, menaces the kid while he's in the shower one morning, and tries to hit on the teenager's girlfriend.

J leaves something to be desired as a main character. His personality is flat, to the point that we see him passively sit on the couch next to his mother's corpse as the paramedics try desperately to revive her. There's no emotion in his voice when he calls Granny Smurf to let her know that her daughter is dead and he needs a place to live. J's girlfriend Nicky even remarks about the kid not shedding a tear at his mom's funeral. J also doesn't seem to have the sense to be scared of creepy Uncle Pope.

The tone and premise of the show is like Sons of Anarchy crossed with Point Break. It's also apparently based an Australian movie by the same title. Boring J notwithstanding, this seems like it might be the thing to fill the Reaper-shaped void in my weekly TV schedule.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

"Captain America: Civil War"

This is a rather difficult movie to review; there's not much anyone can say about it without major spoilers. Essentially, the plot is that an Avengers mission goes sideways and results in massive civilian casualties, including an African king. The UN gets involved and doesn't believe the Avengers should be able to operate independently; a binding resolution should control when, where, and if they deploy. Tony Stark AKA Iron Man thinks it's their best chance at being able to keep operating; others agree, including War Machine and Black Widow. Steve Rogers AKA Captain America is opposed to this binding resolution, as are Falcon and his bestie Bucky Barnes AKA the Winter Solider.

The performances by all the actors involved almost make up for the borefest that was last summer's Age of Ultron. There's betrayal, intrigue, and buried secrets around almost every corner. The strongest cast members this time out are Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr., which of course makes sense due to the plot being all about their blood feud. That's about as much detail as I can give about the storyline itself. Here are a few other random observations:


  • Seriously, who thought it was a good idea to name the African superhero the Black Panther? That name has pretty negative connotations associated with it. I understand that may have been the character's name in the original Marvel comics, but changing it would have been a good idea.
  •  After whiny Tobey Maguire and the sucktastic Amazing Spider-Man movies, I developed a deep and serious dislike of that character. Tom Holland makes an appearance as Peter Parker. Socially awkward Spider-Man was much more relateable and sympathetic. He also had some genuinely funny one-liners. This kid made me want to see the new Spider-Man reboot when it comes out.
  • Vision is freaking creepy as hell.
  • I still haven't forgiven Scarlet Witch for the terrible hallucinations/flashbacks she made all the Avengers have in Age of Ultron. Those characters, oddly, don't seem to be holding even the slightest grudge. She's living with them in the Avengers compound now.
  • After rolling my eyes at the trailers and refusing to see Ant-Man, I found myself liking his character. I might even watch his stand-alone movie now.
  • There are two post-credits scenes, the first one of which is kind of emotionally traumatic.
  • It's good to see Marisa Tomei back on screen again, this time as Peter's Aunt May.
  • I hope to God that Deadpool never appears in an Avengers movie. The character is such a repulsive tool (and I've only seen trailers for that movie).
Photo credit: http://cdn1-www.superherohype.com/assets/uploads/gallery/captain-america-civil-war/ccghrbdxiaeu49d.jpg

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Longmire Rides On: "High Noon"

There's not a lot I can say about this episode without entirely spoiling a major plot twist. However, I will say it's one of the strongest episodes of the series. Deception and intrigue are around every turn. Walt is being accused of harassment and racism by Nighthorse, with Nighthorse alleging that Walt went as far as shooting at his house. A Boston-based law firm sets up shop in Durant and offers Cady a very generous salary to work there. They praise her work on the Henry Standing Bear case, expounding upon how much they could use the expertise of acn ambitious local woman with strong ties to the Native American community. Cady uncovers something disturbing on her first assignment, but she can't share the information with her father because she signed a non-disclosure agreement.

The investigation of Branch's death plows full steam ahead. Soil found in the rifle used to shoot Branch is a possible match to Nighthorse's property. However, a judge refuses to issue a warrant to search Nighthorse's house because of Walt's alleged harassment. The episode's final scene will have you on the edge of your seat as Walt confronts Barlow Connally. Gerald McRaney and Robert Taylor play their parts to absolute perfection. Shocking secrets are revealed and you won't see the final twist coming.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Longmire Rides On: "War Eagle"

Spoilers ahead! This week's episode involved a touchy chapter in U.S. history, deception, and old wounds that just won't heal. Walt is called to the scene of War Eagle, a former Japanese internment camp, because some local teens partying there reported hearing Asian voices coming from a building. Walt and Vic immediately notice that the donation box has recently been broken into and a HAM radio tower has been erected. They find War Eagle's caretaker Thorvin Hampton dead on the floor of his office.

While investigating the case, Walt and Vic find out that Thorvin recently unearthed a family secret. His father, who had been a guard at War Eagle, impregnated a Japanese detainee. The woman gave birth and Thorvin began trying to get in touch with his illegitimate half-brother. Ferg eagerly pitches in to find out who Thorvin had been talking to. The deputy is no stranger to CB technology, having used it as a kid to keep in touch with his father, a long-haul trucker. Ferg, using the cute handle High Plains Drifter, contacts a woman who knew Thorvin. She's local, so Ferg and Walt head out to talk to "Sunshine Sally."

"Sunshine Sally" turns out to be a crazy turtle lady; she has live ones of all shapes and sizes roaming her living room. She had also "catfished" Thorvin by mailing him a picture of a much younger, thinner woman in a bikini. There's a funny bit during her interview when Walt catches a wandering turtle in his ever-present cowboy hat. Sally expresses being hurt that Thorvin ignored her when she introduced herself at a bar, but still talked to her every night on the CB. She even moved from Florida to Wyoming to be with Thorvin.

Walt and Vic locate Thorvin's half-brother, now an old man with dementia, who's being cared for by his daughter. His daughter is also resentful of Thorvin's efforts to restore War Eagle in order to turn it into a museum/tourist attraction.

Also in this episode, Walt deputizes Henry so Henry can handle evidence in Branch's case. The soil samples from Branch's rifle don't match the creek bed where his body was found, further proving it was not a suicide. A fingerprint check reveals Jacob Nighthorse to be not Jacob Nighthorse at all. Rather, he's Jacob Blankenship, a Native American radical who was once arrested for assaulting an FBI agent.

Vic has a flashback to her abduction thanks to the sight of a man carrying a baseball bat. Walt recommends she seek professional help for her PTSD. Not sure if she will follow Walt's sound advice.

Henry answers one of the letters addressed to Hector. It was written by a single mother whose neighbor is stealing money from her. He sees her in a grocery store, unable to pay for all the food in her basket because she doesn't have enough money. Henry employs a little psychological warfare when the man comes into the Red Pony. He slips a letter under the bathroom stall that reads HECTOR LIVES and scrawls the same message on the bathroom mirror with a Sharpie.

So who killed Thorvin? "Sunshine Sally"? His half-brother Francis? One of the teens who broke into War Eagle's donation box? Watch and find out!

Monday, September 21, 2015

Longmire Rides On: "Down By the River"

Thanks to my fellow members of the Longmire Posse and the good people at Netflix, us folks at home can once again ride along with the Absaroka County Sheriff's Department. If you haven't had a chance to watch Season 4 yet, this is your warning: SPOILERS AHEAD.

When we last left our heroes, Branch had a serious confrontation with his father Barlow. A gunshot rang out and the screen faded to black. The season premiere opens with Walt stalking across the prairie with homicide on his mind. He intends to kill Jacob Nighthorse, the man who hired a meth addict to stab Walt's wife Martha to death. Henry has followed Walt and convinces his friend not to go through with it.

Cady goes to her father, concerned that Branch isn't answering his phone. Walt can't get a hold of him either and senses something isn't right. He organizes a search party. Walt, Vic, and Ferg find a man's body in the river, dressed only in boxer shorts with a rifle by his side. It's barely recognizable as Branch. Everyone present is stunned. Suicide is initially ruled the cause of death due to the angle of the wound and the note Vic found in Branch's house. Walt, however, firmly believes that his deputy was murdered.

Meanwhile, Henry has signed over the Red Pony's deed to Malachi. Malachi is also now in charge of day-to-day operations of the bar. People are continuing to leave letters for deceased Cheyenne vigilante Hector, asking for him to intercede in matters such as abusive husbands and drunk uncles. Henry seems to be contemplating taking over where Hector left off.

The cast is in fine form, as always. Rookie actor Adam Bartley continues to show great potential in his role as Ferg. There's an especially heartbreaking scene where Ferg breaks the bad news about Branch to Cady. He chokes out that he doesn't know how he'll get through going to Branch's house to take back the fallen deputy's uniform and squad car keys. I cried myself watching it unfold.

The season's main story arc is intriguing. Even though I already know who killed Branch, it will be entertaining to see how Walt figures it out. I'm not sure how I feel about the implication that Walt and Vic could become romantically involved. However, I can easily picture Henry becoming the next Hector; after all, Lou Diamond Phillips did play one of the Lincoln County Regulators :-)

Boy howdy, what a start!

Sunday, August 2, 2015

"Vacation (2015)"

Remaking a classic movie that so many people love and quote is a very risky idea. I tried to keep an open mind, figuring it wouldn't surpass the original but might be a fun new take on the story. The premise is that an adult Rusty, now an airline pilot, wants to take his family on a cross-country road trip to Walley World. His wife Debbie and sons Kevin and James do not want any part of this adventure. With a foreign made rental car called the Prancer standing in for the Family Truckster, the Griswolds hit the road.

Along the way, they stop at Debbie's alma mater Memphis State and visit her old sorority Tri-Pi. Rusty learns that his wife's sorority nickname was Debbie Do Anything. In Texas, they visit Audrey, who is now living on a ranch and married to a local weatherman played by Chris Hemsworth AKA Thor. There are a lot of shenanigans that happen in between Chicago and Walley World.

The good: Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo make a cameo appearance near the end. Christina Applegate as Debbie is a great Ellen to Rusty's Clark. Walley World still looks like a cool place. I thought Rusty's scrapbook spanning all the various movies was a nice touch.

The bad: This movie is guilty of showing the majority of the funniest scenes in the trailer. The actors who played Rusty's sons were obnoxious, which makes it very difficult to enjoy the movie since they're in almost every scene; the younger brother mercilessly bullies the older one. Self-aware jokes like "This will be different. In the original vacation, there was a boy and a girl. We have two boys."

Stick to the Chevy Chase version.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

"Kingsman: The Secret Service"

The trailers for this movie made me raise my eyebrows at the action sequences and chuckle at the pasty British kid dressed like a street thug. I figured it could go either way as far as quality, especially with a runtime of 2 hours. Action movies these days as a rule are quite poorly made; the reasons for this are excellently outlined in the following video.



I'll grade Kingsman based on the video's rubric:

1. The story. The trailers sum up the plot simplistically: a young British man is recruited to a spy organization called Kingsman, takes part in their Hunger Games-esque training program, and saves the world from evil with James Bond gadgets. Plot elements include vengeance, terrorism, father/son legacy, classism, and a close relationship with a mentor. These are all cliches, but are presented in a highly entertaining, original fashion. 4.5 out of 5.

2. The hero. Gary (Taron Egerton), nicknamed Eggsy for reasons nobody bothers to explain, is lower class, directionless, and has a penchant for Vanilla Ice-style hip-hop attire. He's been in minor trouble with the police. His father was a Kingsman who gave his life for queen and country. His mother has since remarried to an abusive drunk. Once in Kingsman training, he has a difficult time fitting in with his fellow recruits, who were all plucked from schools like Oxford. Eggsy eventually earns their trust, becoming an unofficial leader. 4 out of 5.

3. The villain. Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson) is a billionaire record mogul with a severe lisp. He's also a rabid environmentalist. He's been funding global warming research and believes that the only way to mitigate the damage being done to the planet is via mass genocide. His second-in-command Gazelle (Sofia Boutella) is a woman with prosthetic legs that are really swords. Valentine's public persona is so charming and generous that nobody has a clue he's up to anything sinister; that ability to deceive the public and influence important political figures is the scariest part of this character. 5 out of 5.

4. The stunts. The physical feats performed by the spies are either borderline unbelievable or downright impossible. In the context of the movie, you probably won't question any of them. An excellent job was done by those who actually performed the stunts. 3.5 out of 5.

5. The camerawork. The intense action sequences are filmed from different viewpoints, which keeps everything fresh. There's no dreaded "shaky cam" effects that could make certain audience members nauseous. 3.5 out of 5.

6. The vulnerability of the hero. Eggsy is just an ordinary London street kid. We learn that he had been in training for the British military, but dropped out because his mother was afraid that he would get killed in action. Before getting picked up by the Kingsman, he was unemployed. Training at the agency's country mansion and shopping for a suit gave Eggsy a taste of the finer things in life; their mock missions showed he had great potential. Everyone at the academy is competing for a single vacancy; if Eggsy fails, he will be back where he was: in the projects with nothing. His mother gets caught in the crosshairs of Valentine's master plan. If Eggsy isn't successful on the big mission, he will lose the most important person in his life. The stakes don't get higher than that. He isn't invincible to physical damage or to mistakes. 4.5 out of 5.

All these elements combine to make Kingsman one of the most original action movies to come along in recent years, although it should be noted there is source material involved. The movie is based on a comic book of the same title, which I had never previously heard of. I'm not a fan of comic book movie genre; the only ones I have been able to watch more than once were the original Iron Man and The Avengers. I can now add Kingsman to that list of exceptions. Catch it while it's still in theaters.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

"Unbroken"

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Louis Zamperini started life as a rebellious, short-tempered boy, the frequent target of bullying and discrimination due to his Italian heritage. His older brother Pete saw that Louie had a natural talent for running and encouraged him to join the high school track team. He advised him, "If you can take it, you can make it." Louie was soon shattering records. His lightning-fast feet carried him all the way to the Berlin Olympics. Little did Louie know how true his brother's words would be.

When World War II began, Louie enlisted in the Army Air Corps. He was trained as a bombardier and assigned to a B-24 Liberator. The movie opens with a harrowing plane crash sequence. The Liberator, nicknamed Superman, is totaled; several of the crew members are dead. Louie and his pilot friend Phil are sent off on another mission, this time in a Liberator called the Green Hornet that barely passed its last inspection. The Green Hornet is shot down by Japanese fighter pilots; the three survivors Louie, Mac, and Phil are left adrift on an inflatable raft.

The trouble begins almost immediately. Louie finds out that Mac ate all the chocolate bars, the only food aboard the raft. Water is extremely limited. The three men spend 47 hellish days lost at sea, but the ordeal has only just started. A Japanese ship happens upon the raft; Louie and Phil are taken prisoner. Throughout the movie, Louie is sent to three different P.O.W. camps. He suffers extreme mental and physical abuse, yet Louie refuses to give in to his captors or betray his country.

The cinematography and special effects are some of the best I've ever seen. You feel as if you're in the cockpit experiencing the Green Hornet's death roll. Jack O'Connell's performance as Louie must be seen to be believed; he goes from a healthy young athlete with the world on a string to a malnourished captive barely clinging to hope. You wince for every blow and indignity he suffers. Takamasa Ishihara is equally good as the sadistic P.O.W. camp guard nicknamed "the Bird," who wages psychological and physical warfare on Louie at every opportunity. I will be truly astonished if no Oscars for acting result from this movie.

I am surprised that the reception for such a powerful true story has been so lukewarm; the New York Times review contains the particularly scathing line: "the [Olympic] race is so excessive that it competes with, rather than complements, the war scenes and ends up being another clip in what increasingly will feel like one man’s extended highlight reel." Adapting Willenbrand's book of the same title, which clocks in at 406 pages, cannot have been an easy task; Jolie and her writing team should get a pass for that. The Times review also goes on to say "[Jolie's] good with the actors, even when platitudes gush from their mouths along with the blood." That's insulting enough to say about a regular movie, let alone one based on things American servicemen suffered through, many of whom died in the camps. Rotten Tomatoes gives Unbroken 2.5 stars out of a possible 5; IMDB ranks it about the same.

Before this movie was announced, I had never heard the name Louie Zamperini. Having read watched his story, I can't believe that I hadn't learned about him in school. He was a remarkable person and a true American hero. Everyone in America should see this film; the biography it is based on should be required reading for high school and/or college students. His story will make you gain a greater appreciation for simple things in life: food, shelter, clean water, and freedom.

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Rest in peace                    Image source