Growing Pats

Julian "Incredelman" is not only a talented athlete, he's got a sense of humor, a gift for video editing, and definite nostalgia for the '90s sitcom Growing Pains. Let's go Pats!

Mainlining Selleck

Like many women of the 1980's, my mom's main TV crush was Tom Selleck. This weekend, she discovered that every episode of his hit series Magnum, P.I. is on Netflix. She figured I'd enjoy it, given my fondness for Miami Vice and I said, "Sure, let's watch the first episode." That quickly turned into 5 hours of Hawaiian shirts, car chases, and Tom's famous mustache. I'll give you my thoughts on the episodes themselves once I introduce the cast of characters:

• Thomas Magnum (Tom Selleck). The man himself. He graduated the United States Naval Academy, became a lieutenant, and served in Vietnam with a special forces outfit. Once stateside, he worked Naval Intelligence. He abruptly resigned from his commission while stationed in Hawaii and got a private investigator's license. 
• Higgins (John Hillerman). Stuffy British man who dresses like he's about to go on safari and carries around a riding crop. He's also ex-military, but retired from the British army. Knows a lot about art, practices tai chi, and generally wants to be left alone.
• TC (Roger E. Mosley). Served in Vietnam as a helicopter pilot. He still earns a living with this skill set as the owner/operator of Island Hopper Tours, flying mainlanders around the islands of Hawaii. He also flies Magnum around when he needs to for a case.
• Rick (Larry Manetti). Another of Magnum's buddies from Vietnam. He contributes to the tourism trade by running a bar. When he's not mixing fruity drinks, he helps out Magnum with his cases.

1-2. "Don't Eat the Snow In Hawaii (Part I & Part II)". Like its contemporaries Miami Vice and 21 Jump Street, Magnum's pilot is a two-parter. Magnum and Higgins live on a beautiful estate owned by novelist Robin Masters, acting as caretakers/security while the writer travels around the world. Magnum has been largely relegated to the guesthouse by Higgins, who seems to be annoyed by the PI's mere presence. Magnum also isn't popular with the house's other tenants, Higgins' pet Dobermans named Zeus and Apollo. However, Magnum is popular with the local women; there's a steady parade of them in and out of the guesthouse. He commandeers his employer's red Ferrari and treats it like his own

A Navy buddy of Magnum's, Dan Cook, has died unexpectedly after returning from Japan. The autopsy reveals ruptured packets of cocaine in Dan's stomach. A captain at Pearl Harbor says Dan must've been smuggling it into the country and starts the process of stripping Dan's family of his Navy benefits. Magnum believes that somebody forced Dan to eat the cocaine. Dan's younger sister arrives to claim her brother's body. She wants to work with Magnum, TC, and Rick on clearing Dan's name. The investigation uncovers a complicated plot involving not only cocaine traffickers, but a gold dealer and a gangster. (Spoiler alert: the villain behind the frameup is the captain, who openly despises Magnum).

3. "China Doll". Magnum has to protect a priceless Chinese vase. The beautiful Chinese woman selling it is concerned that the vase will be stolen before its buyer can fly in from the mainland. Honestly, that's about all I got out of the episode. I was more interested in the Hawaiian scenery.

4. "Thank Heaven for Little Girls and Big Ones Too". This originally aired on Christmas Day 1980 and I found it to be the most entertaining installment of the series so far. Magnum gets a phone call on Christmas Eve from a woman asking him to find someone, but she won't give details over the phone; she wants to meet him at the state capitol building to discuss the case. When he gets there, Magnum gets a big surprise. The client is not a woman at all, but 5 little girls who go to a private school in Vermont and are in Hawaii for a holiday field trip. The teacher in charge of them took off the night before with "some beach bum" and promised to be back by Christmas night. The girls' headmaster is flying in to spend Christmas morning with them and they want Magnum to find Miss Booton so she won't get in trouble.

Not wanting these kids running around Hawaii by themselves any more, Magnum lets the girls spend the night at the Masters mansion. Higgins is not happy about the intrusion and worries about the security of Masters' valuable new painting that just arrived. The missing teacher case turns out to be a clever ruse; the girls case the house and call Miss Booton to report on the security measures. The theft of the painting goes wrong, resulting in the girls being kidnapped (not by Higgins).

The young actresses playing the schoolgirls were cute and precocious while still being believable. Magnum's scene where he learns who exactly has hired him is very funny. He's incredulous that the girls don't want Miss Booton to get in trouble after she supposedly ditched them. Equally good are the scenes where Magnum drags TC around the seedier parts of Hawaii in search of the teacher.

5. "No Need to Know". Magnum is assigned to protect a British brigadier general. Threats against the man's life have been made by the IRA. He grows increasingly frustrated with the brigadier's handlers, who refuse to tell him important details about what's going on. Higgins served with the brigadier, but is no help.

Magnum has a lot of elements in common with Miami Vice: tropical setting, Hawaiian shirts, a Ferrari, ladies' man main character, and yet it seems to be missing something. Tom Selleck tries just a little too hard to prove he's cool instead of letting his character's actions do the talking. He doesn't have the same charisma (or looks) as Don Johnson. I kind of wish that Rick was the main focus of the show and I'm so glad that Tom Selleck chose to keep starring in the show instead of taking the chance to play Indiana Jones. It wouldn't have worked.

Magnum's banter with Higgins and struggles to keep from being eaten by Zeus and Apollo are amusing. The episode plots are fairly predictable; the only twist I didn't see coming was that the innocent schoolgirls weren't so innocent and neither was their teacher. Will I watch the next episode, in which Magnum looks into the possible suicide of a beautiful movie star? Probably. It's the kind of mindless entertainment I'll probably need after long days and nights of paramedic school. 

Guy From Jersey Nails "It Wasn't Me"

"Unbroken"

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Louis Zamperini started life as a rebellious, short-tempered boy, the frequent target of bullying and discrimination due to his Italian heritage. His older brother Pete saw that Louie had a natural talent for running and encouraged him to join the high school track team. He advised him, "If you can take it, you can make it." Louie was soon shattering records. His lightning-fast feet carried him all the way to the Berlin Olympics. Little did Louie know how true his brother's words would be.

When World War II began, Louie enlisted in the Army Air Corps. He was trained as a bombardier and assigned to a B-24 Liberator. The movie opens with a harrowing plane crash sequence. The Liberator, nicknamed Superman, is totaled; several of the crew members are dead. Louie and his pilot friend Phil are sent off on another mission, this time in a Liberator called the Green Hornet that barely passed its last inspection. The Green Hornet is shot down by Japanese fighter pilots; the three survivors Louie, Mac, and Phil are left adrift on an inflatable raft.

The trouble begins almost immediately. Louie finds out that Mac ate all the chocolate bars, the only food aboard the raft. Water is extremely limited. The three men spend 47 hellish days lost at sea, but the ordeal has only just started. A Japanese ship happens upon the raft; Louie and Phil are taken prisoner. Throughout the movie, Louie is sent to three different P.O.W. camps. He suffers extreme mental and physical abuse, yet Louie refuses to give in to his captors or betray his country.

The cinematography and special effects are some of the best I've ever seen. You feel as if you're in the cockpit experiencing the Green Hornet's death roll. Jack O'Connell's performance as Louie must be seen to be believed; he goes from a healthy young athlete with the world on a string to a malnourished captive barely clinging to hope. You wince for every blow and indignity he suffers. Takamasa Ishihara is equally good as the sadistic P.O.W. camp guard nicknamed "the Bird," who wages psychological and physical warfare on Louie at every opportunity. I will be truly astonished if no Oscars for acting result from this movie.

I am surprised that the reception for such a powerful true story has been so lukewarm; the New York Times review contains the particularly scathing line: "the [Olympic] race is so excessive that it competes with, rather than complements, the war scenes and ends up being another clip in what increasingly will feel like one man’s extended highlight reel." Adapting Willenbrand's book of the same title, which clocks in at 406 pages, cannot have been an easy task; Jolie and her writing team should get a pass for that. The Times review also goes on to say "[Jolie's] good with the actors, even when platitudes gush from their mouths along with the blood." That's insulting enough to say about a regular movie, let alone one based on things American servicemen suffered through, many of whom died in the camps. Rotten Tomatoes gives Unbroken 2.5 stars out of a possible 5; IMDB ranks it about the same.

Before this movie was announced, I had never heard the name Louie Zamperini. Having read watched his story, I can't believe that I hadn't learned about him in school. He was a remarkable person and a true American hero. Everyone in America should see this film; the biography it is based on should be required reading for high school and/or college students. His story will make you gain a greater appreciation for simple things in life: food, shelter, clean water, and freedom.

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Rest in peace                    Image source

"I'll Be Home For Christmas"

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I saw this movie during its original theatrical run in 1998. Even as a an 8-year-old who loved Disney and absolutely everything about Christmas, I didn't really enjoy it. I decided to revisit it through Netflix Instant and what a difference 16 years makes!

The movie centers around Jake, played by young Simba himself: Johnathan Taylor Thomas. Originally from upstate New York, he's now a college freshman in Southern California. He has no intentions of a white Christmas, largely because he doesn't like his new stepmother. Jake cashes in his plane ticket up north in favor of tickets to Cabo San Lucas for himself and his girlfriend Allie (Jessica Biel). Allie also hails from back east and has already promised her parents that she'll be spending Christmas with them. Jake considers going to Mexico by himself until he gets phone call from his dad, who promises that if Jake is home by 6 PM on Christmas Eve, he'll give Jake the keys to Dad's pride and joy: a red 1957 Porsche convertible. Jake agrees and lets Allie know that he'll be able to drive her home after all.

The couple goes to an end-of-semester party. Some jocks are unhappy with Jake because the beepers he gave them to cheat didn't work, causing them to fail a final that they were gonna fail anyway. Jake also sold them some fake IDs that were instantly spotted by the bouncer at the famous Viper Room. They slip something in Jake's eggnog and he wakes up in the desert dressed up like Santa Claus. Allie waits for Jake, but he doesn't show up at the promised time; she gets a ride from another classmate, Eddie (Adam LaVorgna), who has a not-so-secret crush on her.

Jake manages to find his way to a road and hitches a ride with a car full of little old ladies going to a Tom Jones concert. This sets off a National Lampoon's Vacation style cross-country road trip, during which Jake cons and charms his way out of any and all trouble he gets himself into. He also (slowly) begins to realize that there are things in life that are more important than classic luxury cars. In the meantime, Allie is stuck on the road with Eddie and fending off his advances.

Johnathan Taylor Thomas's character Jake is, quite simply, a spoiled brat. It would be easy to take that and go completely over-the-top with it. Fortunately, JTT was smart enough not to play him that way. There's no question that Jake is more than a little selfish and immature, but in a very realistic 18-year-old kid way. Parents introducing this movie to their kids and childless young adults watching it for nostalgia reasons will be able to connect with what Jake is going through and that's what makes it work. Jessica Biel is good as the feisty girlfriend who wants nothing to do with the other guy and you can almost feel the slime coming off Adam LaVorgna's Eddie.

I'll Be Home For Christmas is somewhat edgy for a 1990's Disney family comedy. For example, one member of the Tom Jones fan club apparently tries grope Jake; they end up unceremoniously booting Jake out of their car because the hungover student vomits into one woman's purse. At a Bavarian village tourist trap, Allie remarks to Eddie, "Look, the clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady." There's also the interesting song that a minor character sings to win back his estranged wife. Don't worry if your kids are under 10 years old or so; all that stuff went way over my head when I was 8. In fact, not getting the jokes is why I thought it was stupid.

I'd recommend this for a family gathering because everyone loves Disney and also, this is basically a grade-schooler-appropriate version of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. However, shut it off before you get too far into the end credits or you will never get NSYNC's "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" out of your head. For added fun, see if you can spot Disney's clever nod to JTT's voice work as Simba.

"Christmas Mail"

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A good Christmas movie should make you laugh, believe in magic, appeal to your inner child, and maybe shed some tears of joy. The operative word in this scenario is "good." This direct-to-TV romantic comedy offers none of the above.

The central character is Matt (A.J. Buckley), a mailman who is unsatisfied with his life and lacking Christmas spirit. Once a talented guitarist with dreams of being a rock star, fate made him an instant parent when his sister and brother-in-law died in an unspecified accident. His sister's will named him guardian of his 8-year-old niece Emily. Weeks before Christmas, there's a new coworker at Matt's post office, an irritatingly bubbly blond woman named Kristi North. She's there on a special assignment: answering letters that children write to Santa Claus. She takes her job very seriously, decorating every surface in her office with Christmas knickknacks.

Emily's letter to Santa crosses Kristi's desk. The little girl's only wish is for her uncle to be happy and not lonely anymore; she wants him to have "a special friend to kiss and stuff." Kristi suggests Emily help her uncle find his own happiness, which the girl takes to heart. Matt comes home from work one day to find his niece has set him up for a romantic dinner with their elderly neighbor. Days later while picking up Emily from a friend's house, Matt stumbles into a support group meeting for single parents. Of course, everyone else present is a single mother. The group leader invites Matt to join them and proceeds to ask about his sex life.

Matt's boss from hell at the post office, Mr. Fuller, somehow gets the idea in his head that Kristi is trying to sabotage the mail system and asks for Matt's help in digging up dirt on what she's up to. Kristi's behavior is very odd, crossing the line to mentally unbalanced at times. Although in her 30s, Kristi does not own a car, have a driver's license, date, or have a permanent address. She spends a couple of months every year in a different place answering Santa letters; nobody seems to know what she does the other 10 months. She only seems to have ties to her large sheepdog Rudy and wears sweater sets better suited to the 1950's or a much older woman. Kristi speaks various languages, including Cantonese and Mandarin, and can talk to animals.

Despite the fact that she apparently hails from Crazy Town, grumpy Matt is smitten with her. Matt's fellow mail carrier Sally sees this and tries to get them together. Almost instantly, there's a romantic comedy cliche: Matt's former bandmate Heather comes to visit him and Emily; Kristi sees them together and assumes Heather is Matt's wife. They smooth things out and Matt invites Kristi over to meet Emily.

She, Emily, Heather, and Matt have a grand old time baking Christmas cookies and having a food fight with the colored decorating sugar. Kristi spots Emily's doll-size table and tea set and gushes that it "reminds her of home." They wind up eating dinner at said tiny table. Afterward, Kristi is treated to a truly horrible rendition of "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" by Heather and Emily, Matt accompanying them on his guitar. Matt even offers to let Kristi move in!

Happiness, of course, can't last. Mr. Fuller gets Matt and Kristi in the same room to reveal his scheme. He makes the classic bad guy move of implying that Matt doesn't love Kristi. Matt is to get promoted to Mr. Fuller's job if he finds something on crazy Kristi that Mr. Fuller can use to fire her. Matt tells his boss that Kristi is special and that he loves her. He rejects the promotion to go back to being a mailman. Kristi is dismissed. At this point, my mom, a former UPS employee, commented, "You can't fire federal workers like that. There's a union."

Several extremely unlikely things happen in the next several minutes. The postmaster general in Washington DC gets wind of what evil Mr. Fuller has done, demotes him, and offers Matt a promotion. Matt turns down the promotion because his band has announced that they're going on tour starting Christmas Day. He decides to uproot his fragile young niece and pull her out of school to go on the road. Equally wacky Heather has offered to be the little girl's personal tutor. Following his dreams apparently takes a backseat to his new responsibilities.

Kristi has realized that Matt is her One True Love and must catch up to him before he leaves town. Without a driver's license, she relies on the kindness of Sally. They hit the streets in a mail truck, searching for Matt's car. But how will they find him when they don't know where he's gone? "Follow Rudolph!" Kristi says breathlessly, pointing to a decoration on a nearby lawn. The couple ends up together and going on tour despite knowing each other all of 2 months. Heather stays on as a third wheel. Oh, and spoiler alert, the mysterious Kristi turns out to be the daughter of Santa Claus himself.

The plot could have been cute if Kristi hadn't seemed mentally ill from the beginning. Ashley Scott played her about as subtly as Clark Griswold decorated his house. The child actress cast as Emily was not cute and hopefully some time and lessons will turn her into a better actress. A.J. Buckley is wasted in this movie and I know he can do so much better. His OCD lab tech character Adam Ross was one of my favorite parts of CSI: NY. He made me laugh in his guest appearances as Ed Zeddmore, head of the Ghostfacers, on Supernatural. A.J. expanded his range last year with a recurring role on Justified as scruffy, ill-tempered, dog-loving criminal Danny Crowe.

If you really want to watch a Christmas rom-com, I have no real suggestions for you other than to stay away from this movie.

Top 10 Quotes: "The War At Home"

This 1996 drama directed by Emilio Estevez tells the heartbreaking story of a Vietnam veteran's first Thanksgiving with his family since returning to Texas.

1. Karen: The final battle of Vietnam was fought along an unrecognized front, far from the shellings and the smell of napalm and the sound of planes and guns. It was a battle my brother Jeremy fought when he came back.

2. Bob: (says this repeatedly before showing people pictures of a young Jeremy) Did I ever tell you I was friends with a famous cowboy?

3. Maurine: I wish they would make Thanksgiving on a Sunday, then everyone could go to a service before they eat with their families. It'd be more religious, like it was with the Pilgrims.
Jeremy: What about the Indians?
Maurine: Oh, there were no Indians at the first Thanksgiving.

4. Bob: (to his nephew) 299. Don't tell me you don't know what that means, David. I think your old man knows what it means, don't you, Howe? That's your goddamn birthday, David, for when they pulled the numbers out for the draft card lottery. 299, that's the number that saved your ass from having to go and fight in Vietnam. Would you like to know what Jeremy's number was? It was 8! 8! 8!

5. Maurine: (about Jeremy) I just don't understand what went wrong. His whole life, he was so
grown-up, so polite.
Karen: War changes people.
Maurine: War doesn't make you rude to your parents.

6. Jeremy: Look, if you're gonna talk to me about car wrecks, you can stop right now.
Bob: What? What are you talking about?
Jeremy: You told me more people die in car wrecks each year than died in Vietnam.
Bob: I may have said that--
Jeremy: Not "may have." Did.

7. Melissa: They were scary, your letters.
Jeremy: They were scary 'cause I was scared.

8. Karen: (about Maurine) She's gonna have a nervous breakdown.
Jeremy: I know she wants one. I know she ain't gonna be happy 'til she has one.

9. Jeremy: I don't cheer when I just woke up.

10. Maurine: (about the Indians at the first Thanksgiving) I'm sure they were all Christians by then.
Jeremy: Oh no, they weren't.