Guest Review: "Lone Hero"

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Lou Diamond Phillips plays a different sort of outlaw than we have seen him play before, a biker who heads up a gang of motorcycle misfits called the Iron Bandits. When we first meet the gang at their clubhouse in Idaho, the first thing Bart (Lou) and his boys do is kill a state trooper. (Note: Lou wears a very interesting pair of bright yellow boxer shorts with a Wal-Mart smiley face licking its chops on the front).

Bart meets our hero John (Sean Patrick Flanery) when the gang rolls into Profit, Montana. John works at the local pioneer reenactment village with his buddies and ex-girlfriend. With the help of another Iron Bandit, Bart robs the bar where John is getting a few drinks after a day of playing cowboy. The biker also nearly beats bartender Smoky to death and threatens John to keep his mouth shut.

Profit is so small that there are only two cops who John, our Wild West show bad guy and real life hero, calls once he cuffs the bikers with the help of a gun that shoots blanks. He's helped by ex-girlfriend Sharon, who is expecting to leave town soon to attend UCLA for the fall semester.

John is everyone's friend at the reenactment village until the Iron Bandits close in on the failing attraction, seeking revenge on behalf of their embarrassed leader. Smoky's friends just want to go on with their lives without any trouble.

John's closest friend is the park's grizzled trick shooter Gus, a guy with a shady past who gives our hero a hand shutting down the bad guys. Though fearless and intelligent, Bart is still a thug and must, in the end, be put down. Bart has killed cops. He almost killed Smoky and doesn't want to leave loose ends, namely John and Sharon.

Most of the movie involves John and Sharon trying to stay alive with Gus's help while the Iron Bandits try to wipe them off the face of the earth. The movie is a basic good prevails over evil tale, which leaves us with a sense of satisfaction. There are a lot of tense scenes that get your adrenaline pumping. Bart's continuous chatter also jangles the nerves.

No lawmen, a reluctant hero, a steadfast older friend, deck stacked against the good guys, and plenty of shooting. Good action, good emotional triggers for a low-budget movie. It leaves the viewer satisfied that all is right with the world.

Guest Review: "Road House"

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Lots of bare butts and violence, but the eye candy is unrivaled. Just Patrick Swayze, but he is enough. Patrick makes the whole movie run smoothly and seem realistic. By the time they got to the tai chi part, I was ready to sign up for a class.

The rich guy Brad Westley, his sycophantic nephew Jimmy, and their henchmen made a hobby out of extortion just because they were bored. An old guy named Red lost his home and auto parts store because he refused to pay the protection money. Brad and Jimmy just happened to not like him because his niece was the fair Elizabeth, Jimmy's former girlfriend. Elizabeth left him to become a doctor, then moved back to town to keep an eye on her elderly uncle as well as practice medicine.

The other bouncers didn't really want to do their jobs. They were afraid of the rowdy men and unwilling to get the skanky chicks to stop their dirty dancing. The bartender padded his paycheck through theft and wasn't happy about being caught; he resented being called a thief, even though he was one.

Patrick Swayze made handling that '65 Buick Riviera look like race car driving. In this movie, I noticed he had a bit of an Elvis complex. He gave Emmett his Mercedes to cover the rent. He had a power mullet and butt-kicking boots, though not as fancy as the guy who had razors embedded in the toes of his.

The romance between Elizabeth and Patrick's character Dalton was speeding along like a bullet train, but got derailed when Dalton ripped out Jimmy's windpipe with his bare hands in front of her. Jimmy had made homosexual advances on Dalton like those he'd made in prison.

What other movie could score with bad dancing, bad singing, and a no-good bartender, wait staff, and bouncers?

Guest Review: "Witness"

Harrison Ford plays a cop protecting an Amish woman and her son after the son witnesses a murder that takes place in a Philadelphia train station. The Amish woman and her son are expecting a brief sojourn into the English world while waiting for a train to Baltimore. Rachel has lost her husband and is hoping she and her son can heal while visiting her sister's community. After Samuel visits the men's room and witnesses the murder of a policeman, mother and son visit the police station, where Samuel fingers a dirty cop as the perp. Now the good guys are in trouble. 

Harrison's character, John Book, is a detective who tries to keep track of the young witness and keep him and his mother from being harmed. John is shot before he can return mother and son to their community. John spends a couple of days naked and delirious in Rachel's house under her care.

Once he is well, John is asked by Rachel's father Eli to help around the place. John's first job is cow milking at 4 A.M. He does okay with that after a fashion. 

Speaking of fashion, the milking hat is an exquisite piece of finery obviously meant to humble the wearer. Though none of the hats in this movie come anywhere near the handsomeness of the fedora in Indiana Jones, the milking hat is in a class all its own. I guess the point of Amish hats is to prove useful to the wearer while evoking neither lust in the observer nor vanity in the wearer.

John Book himself fits in pretty well after a while. He has useful carpentry skills that wow the plain, simple Rachel and gain him some measure of respect among the Amish, even with Daniel, his rival for Rachel's affection.

John has a good relationship with Rachel's family until the fateful night of the thunderstorm when she lets him catch her bathing. He musters up the strength to resist temptation by keeping focused on his mission and the differences between their worlds. While fixing his car, John's resolve slips and he shows Rachel how to dance to music on his car radio. He's no Patrick Swayze, but Rachel's community doesn't seem to know about dancing, so he looks pretty good.

The gun becomes a problem when the dirty cops from the English world figure out how to track John down in the Amish world. All the dirty cops ended up dead and John had to leave because he'd brought so much violence to the community. I don't think John missed Rachel and Samuel half as much as he missed getting up at 4 A.M. to put on that beautiful milking cap to milk old Bessie.

Guest Review: "Sleepy Hollow"

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Washington Irving's "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" was turned into an even stranger tale at the hands of Tim Burton! Brom Bones ends up getting whacked in both the book and the movie for making fun of the Headless Horseman.

In the book, Ichabod Crane was a schoolteacher, an ugly, unappealing schoolteacher at that. In this movie, Johnny Depp was neither ugly nor unappealing nor a schoolteacher. Instead, Ichabod was a Goth-looking Sherlock Holmes type detective. He was intelligent and much more appealing than the original character.

Katrina Van Tassel wasn't a witch in the original book or movie. She was cast as a sort of good witch, the counterpoint to her stepmother's evil witch character. The evil stepmother was a bit too Cinderella for me with a bit of Snow White thrown in because the Evil Queen was also a witch. There wasn't a stepmother in the book nor any living Mrs. Van Tassel. As far as I recall, Mr. Van Tassel was a widower who stayed that way.

The book and movie both give the same reason for the Headless Horseman's behavior: the misplacement of his own head. After the Horseman was beheaded during the American Revolutionary War, someone buried him with his head away from his body. He became a sort of pathetic but frightening restless spirit traveling around in search of his head and avenging himself on people who still have theirs.

Very creepy take on an old tale, especially the finding of the head collection under the roots of a very old tree.

Justified Series Finale: "The Promise"

WARNING: SPOILER ALERTS THROUGH THE WHOLE VIDEO! Do not watch if you haven't seen last night's episode yet. My first attempt at a video review.

Guest Review: "Never Forget"

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Frank, played by Lou Diamond Phillips, awakens in the woods, dangling from a rope by one leg. He also has some sort of bleeding head injury. Alone in the woods, he manages to sever the fraying rope that is holding him captive, but he was hanging in the air from a tree limb about 15 feet up. Thankfully, it is fall so there is a mattress of dried leaves to keep him from breaking his neck. He starts yelling to see if anyone is around.

Eventually, his wife Natasha's coworker Andy comes along in his office attire. Frank doesn't remember who he is and he needs help. Andy isn't there to help; Andy is angry and Andy has a gun. He starts yelling, "Where is she?" and pushing Frank.

All Frank has been able to discover is that he's holding a bloody knife with the name Tom Martin on it; he found his driver's license in his wallet and knows his name is Frank Hill. He's having flashbacks of shooting and blood back at a cabin. Andy keeps yelling at Frank that he murdered people and that he has done something with Andy's wife Natasha.

Frank and Andy stumble around the woods for hours. Frank's hurt leg is slowing him down. Andy's dress clothing is slowing him down. They finally find a half-dead park ranger. The name plate on his jacket matches the name on the knife Frank is carrying. The man's throat is slit and he is spurting blood. Andy keeps telling Frank, "You did this."

Since no medical help is available, Frank begs Andy to shoot the ranger to help him die. Andy starts looking really uncomfortable. We learn there are no bullets in the gun. Having been terrorized with that gun for hours, Frank snaps and kills Andy. He backs him against a weathered barn and slits his throat. An arterial spatter extravaganza follows and then Frank walks away from the scene. The viewer is left wondering whether Frank or Andy did the killings at the cabin and stabbed the ranger.

Andy wasn't dressed for a vacation in the woods and had a car one would not take camping. Andy had no wedding ring and couldn't find his way through the woods, though he claimed to have been there before; he also had the gun. Andy kept telling Frank, "You did this" when referring to the murders at the cabin and the death of the park ranger.

Frank had a wedding ring and pictures of his wife Natasha in his wallet. His leg was injured. The only weapon he had was Tom Martin's knife, which was probably planted on him. Frank, even with his amnesia, had an easier time finding his way through the woods. He later remembered that Andy had been stalking Natasha at work.

In the end, Andy is a much more likely suspect. He eventually drove Frank to murder him. I think Andy did all the killings at the cabin because he couldn't have Natasha for himself and was jealous because Frank did. He wanted to ruin Frank's life and possibly send him to prison by manipulating Frank's fragile memory until Frank thought he was responsible for the string of murders.

Guest Review: "Boondock Saints"

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Irish-Catholic Americans could be offended by this movie.

The twins, Connor and Murphy MacManus, attend Mass celebrating Saint Patrick's Day. Next, they celebrate with alcoholic spirits at the neighborhood pub. At the pub, Murphy and Connor end up defending their favorite bar and bar owner from three Russian gangsters. Two of the attackers end up being killed the next morning while the brothers are defending themselves.

FBI agent Paul Smecker, played by Willem Dafoe, determines that the Russians' deaths were not a professional hit. In the meantime, the brothers turn themselves in at the local police station and are hailed as heroes by reporters. Connor and Murphy decide to avoid further media attention by camping out in a jail cell overnight. While in jail, the brothers have a holy visitation. God tells them to hunt down wicked men so the just can thrive. Presumably, God will direct them to those who must receive divine retribution. And we thought being cast into hell was the province of God and angels.

Connor learns there is to be a meeting of Russian syndicate bosses at a Boston hotel; he gets this information from a pager recovered from one of the dead Russians. The brothers recite their family prayer and kill each mobster. They place coins on the Russians' cold dead eyes, presumably to pay their toll to cross the River Styx. The twins' friend and mob errand boy Rocco joins them in their mission after finding out that the mobster he is so loyal to has been using him.

Next, Connor, Murphy, and Rocco hunt down Vincenzo Rapazzi of the Yakavetta crime scene. "Papa Joe" Yakavetta is the mob boss Rocco works for; his henchman Vincenzo played a big role in Rocco's betrayal. After more killings, Papa Joe contacts a hitman known only as Il Duce to kill the vigilantes.

Murphy, Connor, and Rocco are eventually caught breaking into Papa Joe's house. The three are locked in the basement. Papa Joe shoots and kills Rocco. The brothers escape their chains and say the family prayer over Rocco's body. Their backs are to Il Duce, who recites the prayer with the brothers, and it becomes clear that the twins are Il Duce's sons. Dear old Da joins the boys on their mission to eradicate wrongdoers. Agent Smecker has become the twins' ally because he's come to understand their calling. The MacManus family boldly kills Papa Joe in the courtroom during his trial.

The Boston media dubs the three "The Saints." We as the audience are left to ponder this question: Were The Saints ultimately good or evil?

Guest Review: "The Arrival"

Charlie Sheen felt himself being sucked into this project by the vortex of the Heidi Fleiss scandal. He was trying to distract his loyal fan base from his addiction to illicit drugs and prostitutes, so he chose this unfathomable story in which he is cast as an astrophysicist. He knew it wouldn’t be a hit; he was in need of money. His brother Emilio Estevez appears to have been the perfect son, so Charlie had to make his mark somewhere. He accidentally scored with, like, 5 good movies to finance his more…artistically edgy choices.

Charlie’s boss at the university turns on him when Charlie announces that he has intercepted signals from intelligent life in outer space. (We eventually find out his boss is one of THEM!). Charlie is fired and splits for Mexico with his girlfriend, who thinks Charlie is paranoid (no kidding). Charlie is headed south of the border because he’s following the signals from his home laboratory, which are guiding him in the direction of the aliens. He arrives during the Day of the Dead celebration, setting a spooky tone for the rest of the movie.

Some loose ends are never completely woven into the story. For example, there didn’t seem to be a point to the character of the old Mexican man who walked his skeleton marionette around the streets. There was a puzzling scene involving scorpions and the death of a female professor who had been hitting heavily on Charlie.

Another character worth mentioning is Kiki, a young black boy who lives with his grandmother in the same neighborhood as Charlie. He ended up crossing the border with Charlie and his girlfriend, but didn’t feel like he had to tell his grandmother that he was leaving the country for an indefinite amount of time with a neighbor they barely knew. These days, the whole pedophile thing is pretty much out in the open. So would you let your grandson visit a bachelor in his sci-fi workshop and never check up on him?

Charlie, ya gotta start reading the scripts before you agree to do the movie. The talent is there, as we’ve seen from your handful of hits; consistency can be achieved! Learn to read. Pay someone to read the scripts to you! Most of all, listen to that little voice inside that is screaming: “NOOOOOO!”

The departure doesn't come soon enough!

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Guest Review: "The Breakfast Club"

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It would be difficult to say whether detention changed Claire, Brian, Allison, Andy, and John. The first thing we are force-fed through the costuming as well as the script is that these students represent different strata in their high school's social order, sort of a microcosm of the real world. The nerd looked like a nerd, the jock looked like a football player, and the prep looked like a prep. It mystifies me that this was a film of wide acclaim and furthermore, that it has survived several decades.

This was an early movie for Emilio Estevez (who played Andy) and we got to see how many different expressive faces he could pull off. We also saw the start of his tradition of playing characters that are leaders. Andy was interested in what the others were "in for" and insisted they all get along.

Molly Ringwald, who played Claire, was so bored that she did a makeover with Goth girl Allison. Goth girl Allison consented and both girls were wildly excited about the outcome. I was convinced that Allison looked better, but not so convinced that Claire would've been so happy to play second fiddle to the weird girl...especially since Allison expressed interest in Andy the jock.

John Bender, the criminal dude, had no redeeming qualities at all. He was just throwing away his life and blaming everyone but himself for his problems. True, the deck was stacked against him, but the nerd and all the others had issues to overcome too.

The nerd Brian was the opposite of his father Carl the school janitor. Brian was ashamed of his father's occupation, but Carl seemed content with it.

The characters find themselves in detention together for an all-day Saturday "retreat." They are asked by Principal Vernon to write an essay on who they think they are. Between dancing, singing, pranks, and lunch, there wasn't much time to do the essay.

Andy and Allison had the most bizarre lunches. Andy had a full grocery sack and seemingly ate most of the contents. Allison's weirdness emerged in the form of a white bread, Pixie Stix, and Captain Crunch sandwich. Her discarded, gently tossed bologna landed on a statue the library was decorated with. The others ate in a somewhat normal fashion.

Lunch was where this diverse group started to come together. By afternoon's end, the group of high school students, diverse as they are, have drawn us into the age-old trap: "We'd all get along so much better if we would just get to know each other and give love a chance."

The Breakfast Club is cheesy, predictable, and saved by that talented guy Emilio Estevez. He rises above the less-than-inspired script and pulls the whole cast up with him. I didn't appreciate Emilio's talent or his position as a comeback-kid until I saw The Breakfast Club. Then I knew this guy is more brilliant than anyone has given him credit for. If he can take us there, he can take us anywhere.

3 Days 'Til Christmas: Guest Review--"Dead Bang"

Author's Note: Yes, these next 2 posts are a little late, but I've had a lot of last-minute prepping to do.

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Don Johnson stars as a Los Angeles County homicide detective named Jerry Beck. The movie opens with a shot of a seedy bachelor pad replete with a stack of unpaid bills. Jerry also has the unexpected Christmas gift of a restraining order to stay away from his kids' school, courtesy of his ex-wife.

That night, a black convenience store clerk is shot during a robbery. As he lays dying, he manages to give a description of the person who did it. A few blocks away, an L.A. County deputy stops a young man walking down the street because he fits the profile. The young man is pleasant at first, but then ends up gunning down the deputy in cold blood. Jerry is assigned the case.

Jerry soon comes to believe that whoever killed the store clerk also killed his homicide victim (the deputy). He does a computer search for people who have recently been paroled for armed robbery that fit the now-dead clerk's description. Bobby Burns, a known white supremacist, becomes the prey of this sleep-deprived, depressed detective.

Jerry tries to drown his sorrows about not being able to see his kids at a Christmas Eve party thrown by the sheriff's department. There, he meets Linda. He beds her. Later in the movie, Jerry learns that Linda is married to the murdered police officer, though the two have been separated for several months. Linda claims that she slept with Jerry to get him to hunt down and kill whoever murdered her estranged husband.

It becomes apparent early on that Jerry has anger issues and a drinking problem. After spending the night with an equally drunk Linda, Jerry goes into work hungover on Christmas Day. He breaks his telephone and scrambles up the office after he calls his ex-wife Gloria and she denies him permission to come over to give their kids the Christmas presents he bought them.

Jerry has been in touch with Bobby's parole officer, Webley, because he can't search Bobby's belongings for evidence without a parole officer being present. He drags P.O. Webley to a Hell's Angels hangout where Bobby is staying with his mother. Bobby isn't there, just his brother John who's home from New Mexico State University on Christmas break. One fight scene later, Jerry has chased down and puked all over a fleeing suspect who doesn't match the photo of Bobby.

The Coyote, a Mexican bar in Cottonwood, Arizona, is the next stop for Jerry. Bobby and his Klansman-eqsue buddies had tried to rob the place, but only found a gun and some pesos. They shot all the customers and the staff. There's a shootout.

After only just cheating death by automatic weapon, Jerry ends up in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Because white supremacy literature was found in both Los Angeles and Arizona, an FBI agent named Kressler joins Jerry. They both think Bobby is their prime suspect. They were led to Oklahoma by maps and notes found in Arizona. The local police chief is entirely unhelpful with severe leanings in favor of the Aryan Nation Church of Christ, which Bobby also belongs to.

Jerry comes close to getting thrown off the case after parole officer Webley, Kressler, and others complain about his anger issues, etc. Jerry ends up threatening the psychiatrist he is sent to. After throttling the shrink, he is free to go after Bobby Burns again.

Kressler and Jerry follow the clues to a small town in Montana, where the Aryan Nation Church has set up a compound in the woods. They're about to stage a huge meeting with other white supremacist groups in order to unite and form a single power structure. This is an idea that Kressler has been scoffing at all through the movie.

Jerry and Kressler are joined by black policemen and they raid KKK Ranch. They have a great big underground firefight and kill all the Klansmen. The FBI agent and the homicide detective hope to find Bobby. They do. After Jerry is forced to shoot him, he learns that Bobby's brother John actually killed the convenience store clerk and the sheriff's deputy. FBI agent Kressler gets the credit for busting the big Klan operation. Jerry Beck presumably returns to his life of drunken obscurity in Burbank.

The highlight of the movie (or low point, depending on your perspective) was a scene that shows a hungover Jerry barfing on a suspect following a lengthy foot chase. It was splendidly disgusting!

Guest Review: "Hocus Pocus"

A young Sean Murray, who plays Agent McGee on NCIS, is a featured actor in this made-for-Disney Halloween film.

The movie opens in 1600s Salem, Massachusetts, where a widower is raising his two children. The widower doesn't take his parenting responsibilities or his other duties very seriously. His son Thackery tries to be responsible and manage the adult duties on his own while his father drowns his sorrows at the local pub.

One day, Thackery's little sister Emily is playing in the woods, where she stumbles upon a dusty old cottage. Three witch sisters live there. They capture the young girl, intending to use her spirit in their potion (well, kill her, really). Thackery becomes concerned when his sister doesn't return home. He goes to look for her, finds the witches' house, watches through the windows, and sees Emily inside.

Thackery attempts to rescue his sister by climbing through an attic window and distracting the witches by shouting. Although momentarily thrown off, the witches recover. They kill Emily and turn Thackery into a talking cat who will live forever. The witches are subsequently hanged by a mob of townspeople, torches and all. The sisters vow to come back from the dead.

Cut to the 1990s. Max the California surfer dude is new to Salem. He gets stuck taking his little sister Dani trick-or-treating while their parents ignore them and get trashed. They go looking in the witch shack with Max's hottie female classmate. Max lights a magic candle; he's a virgin and it's Halloween night so the witches are able to return. Thackery has been wandering through Salem for the past 300 years, witnesses the witches' return, and decides to help the kids send the witches back where they belong.

After a prolonged drama, the witches are defeated by sunlight. Poof! Into dust! Thackery the talking cat who longs for death has his wish granted and rejoins his sister Emily.

The movie was terrible but worth watching. It was great to make fun of! It was interesting to see Sean as a much younger actor. However implausible and drawn-out the story was, I would rate it as 3 cauldrons full of sludge for the fat, old hags.

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Guest Review: "Robin Hood--Prince of Thieves"

My aunt Sharon is a very funny lady who loves movies as much as I do. I've decided to occasionally feature some of her reviews on my blog. I'm kicking it off with the 1991 classic starring Kevin Costner and Christian Slater.

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Great movie!

Robin Hood's brother Will Scarlet is an odd sort of dude who carries a grudge against Robin dating back to their childhood. Robin, typically, didn't like the intrusion of a potential stepmother following his own mother's death. Will felt wronged because he was the resented half-brother; Robin managed to get their father, Lord Locksley, to prove his love for his first son by leaving his peasant lover. Will was left as an illegitimate child with only his mother to raise him, which wasn't a good thing in those days.

The lovely lady Marion was not so lovely. Neither member of the Robin/Marian couple seemed young enough, judging by the standard of their day, to entertain the idea of having a family.

The Sheriff of Nottingham and his witch mother were every bit a person's worst nightmare. The Sheriff's sycophantic cousin Guy got what was coming to him.

Marian and her lady-in-waiting are probably portrayed in a realistic way! They probably needed to be prepared to fight for their own lives and virtues if the men wouldn't or couldn't defend them. This much is still true today. A lady can have a wonderful, supportive, and protective man in her life, but she still has to be prepared to defend herself if necessary.

It was refreshing to see the guys cat-fighting for a change. A good example of this was Nottingham's revenge on Robin--a facial scar for a facial scar.

Will's childish song underscored his place as the younger brother. His long-lasting grudge toward Robin was heightened when Marian chose Robin over him.

One question. If the Muslim dude was so much smarter and had so much more wisdom than Robin and the others, why on Earth did Robin have to rake his bacon out of the fire? Azeem pretty much created the debt that forced him to follow Robin to England in the first bloody place.