"Jersey Boys (Live)"

This is one of my favorite movie musicals. When I saw an announcement that a touring production was coming to a local opera house, I got tickets the day the box office opened. Seeing it on stage exceeded even my highest expectations. For the uninitiated, Jersey Boys is semi-autobiographical movie of 1960's doo-wop sensations Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.

Instead of the traditional two-act format, the story is told in four parts called "seasons." Spring goes back to the group's roots as a bunch of neighborhood guys from northern New Jersey singing under a streetlamp and struggling to find an identity. Summer is when the Four Seasons exploded onto the American charts with hits like "Big Girls Don't Cry." Fall details their struggles with personal issues coupled with the pressures of fame. Winter wraps up the show with a "where-are-they-now" segment and the Four Seasons' reunion performance at their Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame induction. Each "season" is told from the perspective of a different group member, respectively: Tommy DeVito, Bob Gaudio, Nick Massi, and Frankie Valli himself.

One particular part of the production values reminded me of my high school and community theater days. (I promise I mean that in the most loving way possible). Minor characters such as Frankie's first wife Mary, mobster Gyp DeCarlo, club patrons, police officers, etc. are played by the same group of 6-8 actors and actresses. They'd go offstage for a while and reappear in a different wig/dress combo or uniform. It didn't detract from the experience because they're all such talented singers/dancers.

The main four actors each brought something unique to the table:

• Corey Greenan brought the perfect amount of roguish charm to his role as Tommy DeVito, founding member of the group. Tommy is a classic archetype all about wine, women, and song. The friend that you know always ends up in trouble but is too much fun to quit hanging out with.
• Tommaso Antico as the youngest and most naive member of the group, songwriter Bob Gaudio, is so adorable I wanted to put him in my pocket and take him home.
• One of my absolute favorite moments from the movie is when quiet Nick Massi finally has enough and goes on a rant about all the reasons it sucks to room with Tommy on tour. ("The man was not properly socialized!"). Chris Stevens executed that monologue to perfection.
• Last and certainly not least, Jonny Wexler brought down the freakin' house as Frankie Valli. His singing voice is phenomenal; recreating such a distinctive sound cannot be easy. He's an equally gifted actor. I found myself shedding a few tears during the "Fallen Angel" scene.

If you're a fan of musicals or even just the Four Seasons themselves, I recommend you "Walk Like a Man" to the nearest tour location. I promise you'll come out saying, "Oh, What a Night."

"The Greatest Showman"

(Yes, I know I'm really late reviewing this). Ever since my teenage self saw Van Helsing one Halloween night, I've had a deep and abiding love for Hugh Jackman. C'mon, who wouldn't?

Anyway, the music that hits as the movie begins made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

The urgent wails, the rhythmic clapping/stomping. The visual buildup is incredible too: the underside of old wooden bleachers that only reveal shadows of legs, the silhouette of a ringmaster in classic garb tapping his cane on the packed dirt floor. Even though we know circus godfather P.T. Barnum is being played by Hugh Jackman, they don't show his face for a while. And, oh, does Hugh have a set of pipes!

I've read about circus history, so I'm sure a LOT of liberties were taken with Barnum's life story, but that's really not the point of the movie at all. The Greatest Showman is a lot like musicals of yore where maybe there's a plot if you squint. The real star of the show is the music, choreography, and acrobatic stunt work. (I'll forgive the obviously CGI animals). Immediately after it was over, I rushed out to buy the soundtrack.

I was somewhat hesitant to see this in theaters because of my aversion to Zac Efron. His character was tolerable, but by no means my favorite. "Rewrite the Stars," his duet with trapeze artist Anne, is the only song in the movie I didn't like at all; Efron's performance is just too whiny for me.

The circus scenes caused a flood of emotions. Growing up, my grandma used to take me to Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey when they came through on their summer tour. I came out each time with a huge smile on my face, a glossy souvenir program, and dreams of becoming a tiger trainer like Mark Oliver Gebel. Dumbo was one of my favorite cartoons. I would beg to go to a local off-brand circus the years Barnum & Bailey didn't come to town.

The cruel irony is this movie ended up being released the same year Barnum's show shut down for good. I actually cried because the finale tour came nowhere near my hometown, preventing me from seeing my beloved circus one last time. This movie is the closest my kids (should I ever have any) will get to the experiences I had watching the magic that took place in those three rings.

An hour and 45 minutes, kid-friendly, fantastic production values, and the eye candy that is Hugh Jackman. What more reasons do you need to see this for the first (or fourth) time?

2017: Year In Review

After a long hiatus for which I have no excuse, Shortstack is back! Overall, last year was a pretty good one for pop culture. Here's a summary of where my love for it took me this year:

Movies:
I went to my local theater a lot last year. What I didn't catch in theaters, I saw via Redbox. My brief impressions of everything I saw.

• Power Rangers: Didn't quite live up to my memories of the original from the 1990's, but it wasn't unwatchable.
• CHIPS: Still can't believe I watched the whole thing; no wonder Erik Estrada wanted nothing to do with it.
• King Arthur--Legend of the Sword: Came out the day I graduated nursing school, so I dragged my boyfriend and family to the theater after the ceremony. Extremely disappointing, even though Charlie Hunnam was frequently shirtless.
• Kong--Skull Island: Absolutely loved it.
• Wonder Woman: Boyfriend Redboxed it. Pretty good, but I still prefer MCU.
• Dead Again In Tombstone: Another Redbox find. I love Danny Trejo, but found it hard to keep track of what the hell was happening.
• Ingrid Goes West: Aubrey Plaza at her darkly comedic best.
• Guardians of the Galaxy--Volume 2: Endlessly quotable with a kick-ass soundtrack and A+ casting in Kurt Russell as Peter Quill's estranged father.
• Star Wars--The Last Jedi: Boyfriend took me. Prior to this, I'd never seen a Star Wars movie all the way through and had zero interest in doing so. I spent the rest of that weekend binging the original trilogy (not gonna lie, the Porgs helped).
• Spider-Man--Homecoming: Tom Holland is 1,000% more likable than Andrew Garfield or Tobey Maguire.
• Logan: The ending made me bawl in the theater.
• Thor--Ragnarok: It's rare for a sequel to be almost better than the original. Really enjoyed the Hemsworth/Ruffalo bromance.
• Kingsman--The Golden Circle: Elton John's performance alone was worth the price of admission. A worthy follow-up to The Secret Service. Although I'm not happy they killed JB.

TV:

• After 6 amazing seasons, Longmire had its last roundup. Walt and Vic (finally) hooked up and admitted their feelings for each other. Henry got the happy ending he deserved. 
• Bates Motel also ended with the expected amount of murder and mayhem. (RIP to yet another Kenny Johnson character, the incestuous Caleb Calhoun). The last man standing in the Bates clan was Norman's illegitimate half-brother Dylan.
• Kenny Johnson wasn't gone from TV for long before being cast in the revival of S.W.A.T. as team driver and third-generation SWAT cop Dominique Luca. Add in Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds and you have a recipe for sexiness. There's also solid writing by The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan.
• Sneaky Pete, Amazon's original series starring Giovanni Ribisi as a charming con artist quickly became something I recommended to all my friends.
• Santa Clarita Diet. Though I am by no means a fan of the zombie genre, I couldn't resist after hearing Timothy Olyphant was attached to it. He and Drew Barrymore are fantastically hilarious as husband and wife trying to cope with Drew's sudden appetite for human flesh.
• Vice Principals had a solid series finale. I only wish there was more of Walton Goggins as the delightfully foulmouthed and psychotic Lee Russell to look forward to.

Celebrity Encounters: 

Golly days, it might be easier to list who I didn't meet last year. My local comic con, though in a midsize Southern city, attracts some high-profile talent.

• Theo Rossi AKA Juice from Sons of Anarchy and Shades from Luke Cage. "How you doin', doll?" the first thing he said to me in that New York accent made my knees go weak. I told him Juice was in my top 5 favorite Sons and he asked who else. I listed off Jax (of course), Opie, Chibs, and Kozik. "Really?" said Theo, "I don't hear a lotta people say that." Turns out he's also a big Shield fan and Lem was his favorite character too.
• Robin Lord Taylor AKA Penguin from Gotham. My cousin and I both cosplayed as Penguinettes (complete with Cobblepot for Mayor buttons), which he thought was absolutely adorable. He was so flattered I have a cat named Oswald that he almost cried. 
• Jeffrey Dean Morgan. At an absolutely disastrous out-of-state con, measures meant to cut wait time made it worse. My cousin and I waited 4 hours (!!!!). When he heard how long we'd been waiting, Jeffrey said, "Fuck! I'm sorry, girls" and hugged us both.
• Dee Wallace AKA Patricia of The Frighteners. Very sweet, mild-mannered little old lady. She did a guest role on Supernatural and gleefully described Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles as "yummy."
• Traci Lords AKA Wanda from Cry-Baby and a vampiress in Blade. And also porn, per my dad. When I brought up Blade, she said, "That heatseeker guy [Kenny Johnson] was actually like super-nice? I don't know what happened to him? I think he's on some cop show now..." 
• Walter Jones AKA the original Black Power Ranger and Rondell Robinson from The Shield. Told him I was a huge Power Rangers fan growing up, but I really liked him as Rondell. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed, "I was a beast on that show!" Walter danced me around his booth to "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing" by Stevie Wonder, making him one of my more memorable con meetings.
• Danny Trejo. I love Con-Air, so I wore a fake cop badge and an Air Marshals Put the Bunny in the Box shirt to meet him. I also carried around a pink stuffed bunny in a box labeled POE. Danny's first question was, "What's with the bunny?" I told him what I was referencing.
  He laughed and smiled, telling me this was the first time anybody had ever thought of bringing a Con-Air bunny. He asked where I got my shirt so he could get one just like it. Danny also insisted on the bunny being in the picture and signed the shoe box as Johnny-23, his character from the movie.

2018 is already shaping up to be good. Got some fun plans in the works and will update my blog more often. 

S.W.A.T. Means "Pamilya"

....And "pamilya" means "family."

Last week, we learned more about newbie Jim Street's background. His mom, Karen, is serving a prison sentence for killing Street's abusive father. She had made numerous domestic violence calls; nothing was done. She unsuccessfully argued self-defense, after which Street wound up in foster care.

This episode opens with Luca blasting Motley Crue's "Kick-start My Heart" as he cruises down the road in Black Betty (AKA the S.W.A.T. truck). The team is on their way to Venice Beach to take down a heroin dealer. Tan shows everyone a picture of Luca curled up on a couch, using his SWAT jacket as a blanket and surrounded by suitcases. "Not again," Chris comments. Hondo isn't thrilled about "Sleeping Beauty" living in the break room, but there's more pressing matters at hand.

The raid at the heroin house nets a surprise for the team: roughly 10 terrified Filipinos locked in a back room. Hostage Javier has a serviceable knowledge of English. Before he can say much, Javier starts foaming at the mouth and keels over from a heroin overdose. Hondo is able to give him Narcan and get him to the hospital.

Father Guzman, a Filipino priest, cautions Hondo that the survivors probably won't talk to the police, even though they aren't illegals. The hostages from the house are all licensed nurses with green cards. Hondo guesses they were forced to swallow balloons of heroin to cover the cost of airfare.

A homicide detective is also interested in the case. He's working the unsolved murders of several Filipino nurses who were found gutted. They were probably killed because they couldn't pass the drugs. The murder victims and the near-misses from the house all had their green cards sponsored by the same employment agency, which recruits staff for local nursing homes.

Street goes to visit his mom (played by Sherilyn Fenn) in prison. Last time I saw her was on the original 21 Jump Street, trying to solicit Johnny Depp to kill her dad for molesting her. Karen has a favor to ask of her little Jimmy. Her friend Deidra is getting out of prison next week and will probably stay with her abusive ex. Can Street warn the guy to stay away? He agrees to help Deidra.

There's trouble in paradise for Luca. His third girlfriend in as many years kicked him out of their apartment, hence his sleeping at work. Street snarks, "So you break up and the girls get your apartment? You need a new lawyer." A thoroughly un-amused Luca pleads to his teammates for a place to crash, but they all have their reasons for saying no:

• Tan took him in following the last breakup, during which time Luca ran up his grocery delivery bill.
• Deacon has a new baby. Also, on another occasion Luca slept over, he let Deacon's son stay up all night playing video games; the kid was too tired to go to school the next day.
• Luca ate all the food in Chris's fridge.
• Hondo needs his sleep and lovingly describes Luca as "a frat boy his first day away from home."

Luca is upset with them, seeing their refusal as breaking SWAT code, a more sacred version of bro code. As a third-generation SWAT legacy, he takes tradition seriously. Luca is this show's "married to the job" cop, never wanting to settle down with anyone. It's not his fault the girls don't heed his warning.

Street's visit to Deidra's ex (a bad Channing Tatum knockoff named Trey) doesn't go as planned. He's still in uniform and Trey takes his picture. Things get heated and punches are thrown. Street ends up with a black eye and in handcuffs. Fortunately, the uniforms call Hondo as a professional courtesy so Street won't lose his job.

Street explains the ass-kicking was a favor to his mom's friend; he didn't feel like he could say no. Hondo advises him to choose a path: SWAT officer or loose cannon.

Hondo learns more about the drug traffickers. They'd force the nurses to swallow heroin in the Philippines, kidnap said nurse's family member, and have that person swallow heroin too. Both groups were threatened with their loved one's death if anyone talked to the police. Javier was just trying to get his son back.

The culprits behind the heroin muling operation turn out to be the nursing agency's owner and his Filipina wife. Both initially expressed horror, plead ignorance about the drugs, and swore they would never be involved with exploiting Filipinos. The SWAT team intercepts the couple before they flee the country on their private plane. They also rescue Javier's son Paul and the other hostages from a locked shipping container.

Hondo is disappointed in Street's conduct. He tells the rookie he's not getting off without punishment. His sentence? Rooming with Luca until the big guy finds another place to live. Luca is all grins, excitedly chattering about teaching Street to surf and kicking his ass at PlayStation. "We're gonna sleep at some point, right?" the rookie asks worriedly. I wouldn't bet on it...

Hondo visits Mama Street in jail and lets her know how badly her little "favor" could've screwed up Street's career. He found out Deidra's story about Trey the abusive shithead was a lie. Karen's real concern was Deidra could horn in on her turf of smuggling and selling contraband in the jail. Hondo doesn't appreciate Mama Street taking advantage of her kindhearted son.

Shemar Moore always plays the kind of guy who sees himself as a big brother to his younger, more vulnerable team members. Hondo fits in that category, especially when he issues a stern warning to Mama Street: "You mess with him, you mess with me. My family."

Rolling With "S.W.A.T."

This concept has had a couple of iterations over the years: a TV series that only lasted from 1975 to 1976 and an early 2000's movie starring Colin Farrell and Samuel L. Jackson. (I really like both those actors, but that was a resounding "meh" for me).

This show has really been hyped by CBS because it features headliner Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds fame. He's definitely talented, but longtime readers of this blog know who my favorite star is: Kenny Johnson. Add The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan into the mix and it's a recipe for success.

With much anticipation, I sat down with a bowl of popcorn to watch this week's premiere episode.

The show opens with LAPD's SWAT team involved in a high-speed chase. The bad guys they're pursuing abandon their vehicle and attempt to carjack a family. In the process of saving them, a black teenager gets caught in the crossfire. He is seriously wounded by team leader Buck.

The consequences are swift. The next morning, a televised press conference is held and Buck is removed from the team. Next in line for his position is David "Deacon" Kay (Jay Harrington). However, due to the racial nature of the shooting, Daniel "Hondo" Harrelson (Shemar Moore) is promoted to team lead. Hondo protests his colleague being passed over, but is told he's running the team whether he wants to or not.

The rest of Hondo's team consists of driver Luca (Kenny Johnson), K-9 handler/token female Chris (Lina Esco), and new recruit Jim Street (Alex Russell). (He looks so young I'm surprised they don't call him 21 Jump Street). We learn that Street isn't the greatest team player. Chris is in the process of finding a new four-legged partner, as her last one has retired due to hip problems. Luca remains a muscular mystery.

During a community rally, two white people are shot as retaliation for what happened to the teenager. Racial tensions escalate and it's up to Hondo and the team to defuse the situation.

I appreciate that the pilot didn't go straight into info-dump mode. It just scratched the surface of most of the characters, letting us see how they work as a team.

The character we know most about so far is Hondo, who faces the pressure of bridging two worlds. As a resident of his old neighborhood asked, "Are you black or blue?" He also has a forbidden romance with their captain, Jessica. Baby Girls in the audience will appreciate the shirtless boxing scene and steamy shower romp. (The episode also features Kenny Johnson boxing in a muscle shirt and arm-wrestling Street).

Like its predecessor The Shield, S.W.A.T. mixes action with a dose of humor. A group of women in a beauty shop watch as the SWAT Team strolls in to chat up one of the stylists. The parade of gorgeous men causes one woman to remark, "One for each of us." Chris appears at the tail end of the line, so another patron adds, "And one for Denise."

I definitely enjoyed it and will be a faithful viewer.

(Image credit)

Guest Review: "Lone Hero"

(Image credit)

Lou Diamond Phillips plays a different sort of outlaw than we have seen him play before, a biker who heads up a gang of motorcycle misfits called the Iron Bandits. When we first meet the gang at their clubhouse in Idaho, the first thing Bart (Lou) and his boys do is kill a state trooper. (Note: Lou wears a very interesting pair of bright yellow boxer shorts with a Wal-Mart smiley face licking its chops on the front).

Bart meets our hero John (Sean Patrick Flanery) when the gang rolls into Profit, Montana. John works at the local pioneer reenactment village with his buddies and ex-girlfriend. With the help of another Iron Bandit, Bart robs the bar where John is getting a few drinks after a day of playing cowboy. The biker also nearly beats bartender Smoky to death and threatens John to keep his mouth shut.

Profit is so small that there are only two cops who John, our Wild West show bad guy and real life hero, calls once he cuffs the bikers with the help of a gun that shoots blanks. He's helped by ex-girlfriend Sharon, who is expecting to leave town soon to attend UCLA for the fall semester.

John is everyone's friend at the reenactment village until the Iron Bandits close in on the failing attraction, seeking revenge on behalf of their embarrassed leader. Smoky's friends just want to go on with their lives without any trouble.

John's closest friend is the park's grizzled trick shooter Gus, a guy with a shady past who gives our hero a hand shutting down the bad guys. Though fearless and intelligent, Bart is still a thug and must, in the end, be put down. Bart has killed cops. He almost killed Smoky and doesn't want to leave loose ends, namely John and Sharon.

Most of the movie involves John and Sharon trying to stay alive with Gus's help while the Iron Bandits try to wipe them off the face of the earth. The movie is a basic good prevails over evil tale, which leaves us with a sense of satisfaction. There are a lot of tense scenes that get your adrenaline pumping. Bart's continuous chatter also jangles the nerves.

No lawmen, a reluctant hero, a steadfast older friend, deck stacked against the good guys, and plenty of shooting. Good action, good emotional triggers for a low-budget movie. It leaves the viewer satisfied that all is right with the world.

"King Arthur: Legend of the Sword"

(Image credit)

Ever since I saw the first trailer, I've been eagerly anticipating this movie for two reasons. The first being my longtime crush on the crown prince of Charming, Charlie Hunnam. The second reason was its release date: May 12th, the day I would graduate with my RN degree. Watching shirtless Charlie bare-knuckle box and sword fight was my graduation gift to myself.

Guy Ritchie, director of the Robert Downey Jr. version of Sherlock Holmes, took a lot of poetic license with the original King Arthur story. I don't remember a morbidly obese octopus woman demanding human sacrifices in exchange for magical intervention. Merlin is conspicuously absent. Instead of noble knights, Charlie Hunnam's companions are a group of peasant misfits.

The plot itself borrows heavily from Shakespeare's Hamlet. Arthur was born the son of King Uther (how's that for a confusing name pair?). Uther's brother Vortigern (Jude Law) wanted the throne for himself and dabbled in black magic. When Arthur was a child, Vortigern murdered his parents.

Set adrift in a rowboat, young Arthur is found and taken in by a group of women who live and work in a brothel. Arthur starts off with simple chores like sweeping the floors and pouring drinks. By the time he's a teenager, he graduates to bouncing unruly customers who refuse to pay or beat up the girls.

Arthur is eventually captured and taken by boat to Vortigern's remote castle, along with dozens of other young men. Vortigern is desperately searching for the Born King, the only one who can pull the enchanted sword Excalibur from the stone and then challenge his rule. As anyone who's heard the original legend knows, the Born King is Arthur.

A further plot twist involves Excalibur itself. The sword possesses magical energy, which Arthur must learn to control. Helping him with this task is a hauntingly beautiful woman known only as The Mage. Arthur at first has no interest in power, but eventually accepts his destiny. The movie avoids the cliche of having Arthur fall in love with The Mage. According to legend, his one true love is Guinevere, a character who's also not in this version.

The writing, sense of humor, and even the score is much the same as Sherlock Holmes. The special effects and fight sequences are impressive. I had a small quibble with the way it was filmed, however. I saw a 2-D screening and it was glaringly obvious (sometimes to the point of distraction) which portions were meant to be in 3-D. The pacing could've been done better. The first 20-30 minutes are slow and contain almost no dialogue, which made me fear I made a terrible mistake deciding to watch it.

Is this movie as good as Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes? Not even close. Were the trailers misleading about the amount of shirtless Charlie Hunnam? A little. Is watching him kick ass with his sword and bare hands an entertaining way to spend two hours? Absolutely.

"I'm all about the chivalry, darlin'."
(Image credit)

Bates Motel: "Hidden"/"Dreams Die First" (Season 5, Episodes 4 & 5)

(Image credit)

"Hidden" opens with the immediate aftermath of Caleb vs. car. Norman, of all people, wants to call the police; this was just a nasty accident and nobody can be prosecuted. Chick begs to differ. They can't explain away the handcuff bruise on Caleb's wrist or his partly-healed head wound. Chick tosses Caleb's body in his trunk and later strips him naked and gives him a Viking funeral out at the lake. Community-minded Norman tosses Caleb's clothes in a local Goodwill bin (after laundering out the blood, of course).

Norman gives some of Mother's old dresses to Madeline from the hardware store (creepy). In turn, she invites Norman over for dinner while her husband is out of town. When they finish eating, Madeline suggests they bake a cake and watch movies. This escalates to making out in her kitchen. Norman, of course, reacts by running out of there like his ass is on fire. It's not because Madeline's a married woman and this is adultery; no, it's because Mother wouldn't like this one bit.

There's also a new sheriff in town and she seems to find something suspicious about Norman. Romero is still hitchhiking his way to White Pine Bay to murder Norman.

Confession: Not only am I remiss in watching the first 4 seasons of Bates Motel, I also have never seen the original version of Psycho. I can't really comment on how true the next episode "Dreams Die First" is to the source material. All I know is that Rihanna's character Marion becomes the victim of the eventual gruesome shower scene. She's also the woman Madeline's husband brought to the motel.

Marion wants to be promoted at her job, which her boss can't do because she doesn't have a college degree. Her lover Sam is deeply in debt, prompting to Marion to leave town with a briefcase full of cash and instructions to meet Sam in White Pine Bay. Marion gets caught in a vicious thunderstorm. The episode ends with her pulling up to the infamous Bates Motel.

In between, there's a side trip to Seattle. Dylan seems to be feeling just slightly guilty about throwing his dad out. He also confesses to Emma that earrings she wears once belonged to Norma. Dylan is worried that Norma could've hurt their mom. (Boy, is he in for nasty surprises if he goes to investigate).

Bates Motel: "Bad Blood" (Season 5, Episode 3)

(Image credit)

In a Twitter video posted yesterday, Kenny Johnson promised this episode would be an "out of the park home run." Bates Motel did not disappoint. In fact, I'm pretty sure that ball hasn't even landed yet.

When we last left the Haunted Mansion, Norman had just whacked Caleb over the head with a shovel while dressed as Norma. Chick witnessed this and seemed more fascinated than disturbed. Norman, still acting as Norma, handcuffed Caleb to a post in the basement.

Norman woke up in Norma's room with no recollection of Caleb even being in the house. Chick brought Norman breakfast in bed and refreshed his memory on that. He spent the rest of the episode playing along with Norman's delusions about Norman being alive/and or Norman himself being Norma.

Chick also pays a visit to the basement, playing amateur psychiatrist to Caleb, whose head injury makes him by turns loopy and weepy. Caleb tells Chick how Mama Calhoun used to lock him and Norma in their bedroom, sometimes for a couple of days at a stretch. It was always okay, though, because they had each other. That goes a long way toward explaining how things worked out.

Chick asks, "When did you two break up?", a bizarre question to ask of siblings on any other show. Caleb says Norma left when she was 17 and married one of her high school classmates; he had no idea she was pregnant with Dylan. When Chick inquires about Norma alleging rape, Caleb as good as confesses by saying he doesn't want to talk about it.

Norma and Norman spend most of the episode debating on whether to kill Caleb. Mother says yes, Norman says no, but we all know Mother is always right. Norman goes downstairs and puts a revolver to his uncle's head. Caleb doesn't seem to care if his nephew pulls the trigger; in fact, he tells Norman to get on with it. Instead, Norman uncuffs Caleb, telling him to run away and never return a la Scar from The Lion King.

While all this is going on, Romero escapes his transfer to another prison with the classic "I have to pee" scam. He knocks out and cuffs the U.S. Marshal escorting him, then carjacks a customer at the gas station. When that car runs out of gas (?), Romero pushes it down a hill in a wooded area. His attempt to steal a farmer's station wagon is thwarted by the farmer's young, shotgun-toting daughter. Will he survive his wounds?

Unbeknownst to Norman and Norma, Chick has been secretly recording all the crazy stuff going on. (Last week in the bar, he was scribbling in a notebook). Chick plans on turning Norman's story into a book. While running errands for our young serial killer, he buys a typewriter. You know it's bad when the guy who raped and impregnated his own sister is the most normal person in the house.

Freed from the basement, Caleb sprints down the deserted road, screaming for help. Chick gets a text from Norman and takes his eyes off the road for a second, only to look up and see Caleb. Chick slams on the brakes, but it's too late. He smashes right into Caleb! Next week, Norman and Chick will have to deal with dumping the body of Norma's brother/baby daddy.

Even though I haven't seen the previous 4 seasons straight through, I have to say Caleb was an interesting character. His (major) mental issues weren't entirely his fault; he just wanted to be loved and looked for that affection in a very wrong place. Rejected by everyone else, Caleb sought refuge with Norma again, only to find out her son killed her, stuffed her body in a freezer for a while, and then mummified her. The scene where he hallucinates that Norman really is Norma was heartbreaking stuff ("I love you, Norma Louise").

It takes an exceptionally talented actor to make someone like Caleb even remotely likable. Bates Motel showrunners knew what they were doing when they cast Kenny Johnson. Even with his dark past, Caleb had moments of being charming and almost sweet. Take for example the season premiere. Emma kicked him out, but he still promised to do the dishes after his midnight snack; Caleb even folded the blankets before he left. Nevertheless, you don't forget who Caleb really is or what he's done. I'd put this performance on the same level as Johnny Depp's portrayal of Sweeney Todd.

RIP Caleb. I hardly knew ya.

Bates Motel: "Dark Paradise"/"The Convergence of the Twain" (Season 5, Episodes 1 & 2)

Full disclosure: I have not seen every single episode of this show (not even close). I tried to get into it back in 2013, but was so confused/off-put by Norma still dressing like it's 1955 while Norman has an iPod. The background information I know is cobbled together from the episodes I've watched intermittently and "previously on" segments. Spoiler alerts for this whole thing.

(Image credit)

Season 5 begins on a nice, sunny day. Norman wakes up in Mother's room and goes downstairs to find she's whipped up a lovely breakfast for them. They chitchat about Norman redecorating the motel rooms and such. The scene changes; the kitchen is really an utter disaster and there's no food on the table. It seems that last season ended with Norman murdering Mommy Dearest, taxidermying her corpse, and stuffing it in the basement. In Norman's mind, Norma is merely pretending to be dead and can't leave the house because of that. Norma, of course, is bitter and resentful.

When Norman goes to the hardware store to buy paint, he's intrigued by the blond female employee who dresses a hell of a lot like Mom. He realizes he has a stranger's wallet and almost uses it to pay. I have more than a slight suspicion he's been murdering the guests. Norman is quick to let everyone in town know he's adjusting to life without Norma quite nicely, thank you very much.

Norman has taken over the managerial duties of the motel. David Davidson (tell me that's not an alias) tries to rent a room for a few hours. "We're not that kind of establishment," Norman says haughtily. (No, just the kind where the occasional guest is murdered and the manager spies on guests having sex with their mistresses).

Meanwhile, Norman's older, illegitimate half-brother Dylan has gotten the hell out of White Pine Bay. He lives in Seattle, has a real job (last I saw he was starting his own pot farm), and is married to Emma. I remember her as the cystic fibrosis patient from Season 1 who lost her virginity to Dylan. She's no longer sick and the couple has a baby. Dylan throws a wholesome suburban barbecue to celebrate Emma's birthday.

An unexpected visitor turns up on their porch: Dylan's uncle/father Caleb (Kenny Johnson), who's flat broke after running into God knows what trouble in Canada. Is it cool if he crashes on their couch for a while? They let him in. Caleb asks to hold his granddaughter/great-niece Katie, revealing that he's done some Facebook-stalking to see her pictures.

Later that night, Emma wakes up because Caleb is making as much noise as possible while helping himself to half her birthday cake. Caught red-handed, he mumbles an apology; he was just too hungry to sleep. Had it been any other show, Emma might've joined him for a slice.

Emma owes a debt to Caleb that she can never repay; it seems he spent almost everything he had on a lung transplant that saved Emma's life. This allowed her to become a wife and mother, two things she never thought possible. Caleb is all "aw, shucks, you never need to thank me for that." In almost the same breath, Emma tells Caleb he needs to get the hell out of their house. She knows her husband Dylan is the byproduct of Caleb impregnating his own sister Norma.

Former sheriff Alex Romero is still in prison on some kind of frame job. He can't wait to get out and seek revenge on Norman.

The second episode "The Convergence of Twain" cranks the intensity up to 11. Norman is disappointed to learn his hardware store crush Madeline is married. Hoping to ease the hurt, Madeline offers to take Norman on a double date with her friend Joanne. Norman instantly recognizes Madeline's husband Sam as last week's "David Davidson." Sam, a real charmer, threatens to kick Norman's scrawny ass if he tells Madeline about his adultery.

Norma meddles, confronting her son about Joanne in the restaurant bathroom. She asks if he's gonna be "one of those guys" that dates someone just like his mother. At the end of the date, Norman gives Joanne the brush-off. Mother knows best, after all.

Oh yeah, Alex picked a fight in prison and purposely lost. He was able to convince the warden it's too dangerous behind bars for an ex-cop, so he'll be getting out soon.

There's another interesting scene where Norma pouts about not being able to leave the house. To pass the time, she uses language-learning software on Norman's computer to teach herself French. Among useful phrases like "The cherry is red," Norma practices saying, "The traitor was hung." First of all, it's "hanged." Second of all, why is that phrase even in the program?

Emma and Dylan seem surprised to find neatly folded blankets and a note from Caleb on their couch, even though Emma kicked him out last episode. Caleb drifts back to White Pine Bay to visit Norma. While checking into a different motel, the clerk informs him that Norma committed suicide a while back. Caleb is sure it's impossible; he was just visiting Norma's other son and he didn't mention that.

Caleb goes to the cemetery, where, sure enough, he finds a headstone with Norma's name on it. There's also an extremely long, flowery epitaph signed "Norman." Caleb falls apart, sobbing and hugging the tombstone. As bizarre and twisted as his relationship with Norma was, I felt really bad for Caleb. He and Norma grew up with crazy, abusive parents; the siblings could only rely on each other. (That in no way excuses what Caleb eventually did). Now rejected by his son and new daughter-in-law, Caleb has nobody to turn to. Whoever you are, that's a sad situation to be in.

After composing himself, Caleb goes to what I call the Haunted Mansion in search of his other nephew. The pile of dirty dishes in the sink and dust everywhere further convince him that his sister is dead. Curiously, it appears as though somebody is sleeping in Norma's room while Norman's bed is neatly made. Caleb also finds taxidermy books and gets spooked enough to leave.

Caleb drowns his sorrows at a local bar. Chick, played by fellow Sons of Anarchy alum Ryan Hurst, expresses disgust about Caleb's incestuous relationship with Norma and almost gets strangled for it. Caleb is adamant she wouldn't have committed suicide; he had warned her that Norman might snap. Why, oh why, didn't she listen?

Loaded up on liquid courage, Caleb takes a taxi back to the motel. He stalks the halls of the old house, screaming for Norman. He makes it to the basement and discovers Norma's body. Stealth mode Norman creeps up behind his uncle, clocks him over the head, and knocks him unconscious. Also, Norman is wearing a blond wig and a particularly hideous dress of Mother's.

Seeing the first 2 episodes of Season 5 has really made me want to go back and catch up on all the littler details I might be missing. The second episode in particular had a great, old-school horror movie feel to it. I was literally on the edge of my couch, shouting, "No! Don't go in the basement, you idiot!" I think Chick summed up the situation best: "Holy shit."

(Photo credit)

"True Memoirs of an International Assassin"

Sam Larson (Kevin James) lives an average life working 9-5 for an insurance company. However, his alter ego Mason Carver AKA the Ghost spends his days taking out high-profile targets. Sam's novel Memoirs of an International Assassin is heavily based on his elderly friend Amos' career with the Mossad. After a lot of rejection letters, Sam finds a company that's willing to publish his book. However, International Assassin is released as nonfiction.

Sam is kidnapped and finds himself in Venezuela. A rebel group, having read and believed his story, hires him to kill the country's president. Sam is reluctant at first, but is drawn in by the beautiful and mysterious Rosa (Zulay Henao). He accidentally meets with one of the president's top advisers, who gives Sam a contract to assassinate Anton Masovich, a flamboyant Russian drug lord.

I found Kevin James to be pretty believable as the likable, bumbling writer who's suddenly thrust into real matters of life and death. Rosa grated on my nerves a bit. Kim Coates, Tig of Sons of Anarchy fame, has what amounts to a cameo role as Presidente Cueto. Even though there's a lack of screen time, you never fail to notice his presence. El Presidente also has some of the best one-liners in the movie.  

The plot and writing style is best described as Tropic Thunder goes James Bond (a shorter, somewhat weaker version). But unlike Ben Stiller's character in that movie, Sam is aware that he's not the Ghost and is completely out of his element.

True Memoirs is only available on Netflix. I recommend it for light viewing, a lot of laughs, and Kim Coates. Music fans might also enjoy trying to pick out what songs have been changed from their original English.

So I Finally Watched "Elf"

(Image credit)

For the last 13 Christmases, I have purposely avoided this movie. I liked Will Ferrell in the Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson version of Starsky and Hutch and that's it. Something about the guy has just always rubbed me the wrong way. I thought I got weird looks when I said I've never watched a single Star Wars movie all the way through; that's nothing compared to how people reacted when I admitted to never seeing a single moment of Elf. I went into this review with gritted teeth and low expectations.

The premise is simple: While Santa is delivering gifts to the residents of an orphanage, a baby stows away in the bag of toys. The baby ends up at the North Pole, where Papa Elf (Bob Newhart) volunteers to raise him. Buddy (Will Ferrell) grows up making toys and apprenticing Papa as a sleigh mechanic. It only takes 30+ years for Buddy to realize he's much bigger than the elves. Papa tells Buddy the truth about being adopted. Buddy's birth father Walter (James Caan) lives in New York City and Buddy sets off to meet him.

Walter doesn't know what to make of Buddy at first. In fact, he has no idea that a child other than his preteen son Michael even exists. In college, Walter was involved with a fellow student named Susan; she became pregnant, didn't tell Walter, and gave their baby up for adoption. 

For his part, Buddy has wacky misunderstandings about human culture and has a meet-cute with Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), a department store elf.

Is Elf as good as other Christmas family comedies such as Home Alone or Jingle All the Way? No. Is it worth seeing? Yes. It's pure fluff and Christmas magic all the way through. I especially enjoyed all the references to the 1964 classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in the opening scenes. Jovie and Buddy are a cute couple. It was interesting to see Sonny Corleone's adopted child on the other side of the adoption scenario.

While I smiled and laughed a lot, this scene is probably my favorite:

Merry Christmas to all!

Guest Review: "Road House"

(Image credit) 

Lots of bare butts and violence, but the eye candy is unrivaled. Just Patrick Swayze, but he is enough. Patrick makes the whole movie run smoothly and seem realistic. By the time they got to the tai chi part, I was ready to sign up for a class.

The rich guy Brad Westley, his sycophantic nephew Jimmy, and their henchmen made a hobby out of extortion just because they were bored. An old guy named Red lost his home and auto parts store because he refused to pay the protection money. Brad and Jimmy just happened to not like him because his niece was the fair Elizabeth, Jimmy's former girlfriend. Elizabeth left him to become a doctor, then moved back to town to keep an eye on her elderly uncle as well as practice medicine.

The other bouncers didn't really want to do their jobs. They were afraid of the rowdy men and unwilling to get the skanky chicks to stop their dirty dancing. The bartender padded his paycheck through theft and wasn't happy about being caught; he resented being called a thief, even though he was one.

Patrick Swayze made handling that '65 Buick Riviera look like race car driving. In this movie, I noticed he had a bit of an Elvis complex. He gave Emmett his Mercedes to cover the rent. He had a power mullet and butt-kicking boots, though not as fancy as the guy who had razors embedded in the toes of his.

The romance between Elizabeth and Patrick's character Dalton was speeding along like a bullet train, but got derailed when Dalton ripped out Jimmy's windpipe with his bare hands in front of her. Jimmy had made homosexual advances on Dalton like those he'd made in prison.

What other movie could score with bad dancing, bad singing, and a no-good bartender, wait staff, and bouncers?

"Bringing Out the Dead" by Joe Connelly

(Image credit)

"Saving someone's life is like falling in love: the best drug in the world." Frank Pierce, a paramedic working in New York City's Hell's Kitchen, knows that high also comes with crushing lows. The best he can hope for is his patients surviving the journey to Our Lady of Mercy Hospital, the place he and even its own staff refer to as Misery. He's (literally) haunted by a young girl whose life he couldn't save. Frank, on the verge of losing his job, agrees to work a 72-hour marathon shift.

The shift begins with Frank and his partner Larry responding to a cardiac arrest call. Frank unexpectedly finds himself taken by the victim's ex-junkie daughter Mary. But don't be fooled into thinking this is a love story, at least a traditional one. Larry's primary interests are food and "the true love of his life," which isn't his wife or even his job with the city; it's his membership in the Bayville Volunteer Fire Department.

Next, Frank works with Marcus, an African-American from the city's first paramedic class. Marcus is best known for his so-called "Narcan revivals," a spectacle worthy of Broadway. He's aware that Frank is burnt-out and maybe more than a little crazy, but isn't perturbed by it, at least not to the degree that Larry is.

Frank's third and final partner is Tom, who broke Frank in as a trainee. Tom, like many in the first generation of paramedics, earned his stripes as a medic on the battlefields of Vietnam. He practices a special kind of "psychological first aid" and nobody in their right mind wants to ride with him. Fortunately, Frank's not in his right mind.

A troublesome homeless man named Noel, chronic caller Mr. Oh, ER physician Dr. Hazmat, and less-than-warm-and-fuzzy Triage Nurse Constance round out the cast of characters.

I've read a lot of books in my life and this ranks high on my list of all-time favorites. My familiarity with the world of medicine has a lot to do with it, I'm sure. The details of the calls and patients' conditions are spot-on, which is no surprise when you find out the author himself is a former New York City medic. It's pitch-dark, packed with gallows humor, and yet has a true heart and soul. Ride along on this breakneck, life-and-death journey through the underbelly of the city that never sleeps.

It's Pope's Party and He'll Cry If He Wants To

On last week's episode of Animal Kingdom, the Cody family prepared to celebrate Pope's birthday, the first one in a long time where he was home and not incarcerated. Craig and Deran plan a super fun day of surfing, paintball, and skydiving. Pope is in a foul mood because those are all things they like to do and it's his birthday, dammit.

What his birthday cake should've looked like. (Photo credit)

Pope also doesn't want his birthday ruined with any mention of his recently-deceased twin sister. You'd think that would be a sore spot with nephew Jay, but he shrugs it off and goes along for the adrenaline-fueled festivities. After some alcohol and cake, Craig, Deran, and Pope take their underage nephew to a strip club. Somebody (I think it was Craig) tries to buy Jay a lap dance, which the teen declines. Pope goes into the back of the club to have sex with one of the strippers, but he has some, uh, performance issues.

Later on, Pope and Jay do some great uncle/nephew bonding, drinking literally on top of Jay's mother's grave. Oh, and P.S. Deran's name is pronounced "Darren."

"Animal Kingdom" No, Not the One at Disney

It was hard to glean the exact premise of this show from the trailers, so I checked out the two-part premiere on Tuesday night. Our story begins with the protagonist, 17-year-old Josh, finding himself with nowhere to go when his single mother dies of a heroin overdose right in front of him. He calls his grandma Janine, who hasn't seen him in over a decade. Granny kindly agrees to have Josh move into her Southern California beach house.

Once there, Janine immediately drops the last 3 letters of Josh's name and refers to him as J. J's three uncles also live with Granny Janine. There's fresh out of prison Andrew (nickname Pope), who's also his dead mom's twin brother. (Fans of Southland will recognize him as Detective Sammy Bryant). Long-haired Craig is the middle child and the baby of the family is Deran (not sure if it's pronounced like "Darren"). Baz, a family friend, seems to live there as well. To welcome J, Janine throws a barbecue/pool party, at which there's lots of alcohol, weed, and jumping off the roof into the pool. The uncles also take J surfing.

Unbeknownst to J, Granny Janine runs a family business with an iron fist. Her sons and Baz dabble in armed robbery and smash-and-grabs, hence Pope's prison sentence. They're a stealthy bunch; they wear all black and ski masks or motorcycle helmets to hide their faces. At the end of Part 1, they rob a local jewelry store. However, everything goes sideways, as heists are wont to do. Craig is shot in the arm by store security; one of the guards is hit and killed by the getaway car. The next day, the dead guard is identified one the local news as a police officer who was moonlighting.

The heat is now on for the Cody clan. Granny Janine orders Craig and Deran to disassemble the getaway car and toss it in the ocean. She has no idea about her middle child's injury. Craig can't go to the hospital for his gunshot wound thanks to those pesky police notification policies and quickly develops a raging infection. Deran decides to just set the damn car on fire since his brother can't help take it apart. J has already given one of the stolen watches to his girlfriend. His pissed-off uncles tell him to get it back. By the end of the episode, I'm sure J is thinking he might have been better off on his own or in foster care versus living with this bunch.

Granny Janine, nicknamed Smurf for unknown reasons, almost but not quite gives Gemma Teller-Morrow a run for her money in the crazy bitch department. Uncle Pope is pretty open about hating J because Smurf is letting him sleep in Pope's room. He follows J around, menaces the kid while he's in the shower one morning, and tries to hit on the teenager's girlfriend.

J leaves something to be desired as a main character. His personality is flat, to the point that we see him passively sit on the couch next to his mother's corpse as the paramedics try desperately to revive her. There's no emotion in his voice when he calls Granny Smurf to let her know that her daughter is dead and he needs a place to live. J's girlfriend Nicky even remarks about the kid not shedding a tear at his mom's funeral. J also doesn't seem to have the sense to be scared of creepy Uncle Pope.

The tone and premise of the show is like Sons of Anarchy crossed with Point Break. It's also apparently based an Australian movie by the same title. Boring J notwithstanding, this seems like it might be the thing to fill the Reaper-shaped void in my weekly TV schedule.

"Few Options"

In 1987, Frank Conner made the biggest, dumbest mistake of his life: driving a carload of cocaine across several states. He got pulled over by the highway patrol and sent to Terminal Island for possession with intent. 22 years later, the California Department of Corrections is over budget and overpopulated. Frank's name comes up in a lottery, meaning he'll be released 13 months early. He'll be completely on his own, no probation or parole officer to report to. Unfortunately, early release turns out to be Frank's only bit of good luck.

With a pillowcase of belongings and $157.32 to his name from years of pressing license plates, Frank pays a visit to his cousin Don, who had promised to help Frank get back on his feet. Don hasn't written to Frank in 5 years and is surprised when he turns up on his doorstep. Don is now married and his wife doesn't want Frank in the house. He agrees to let Frank live in the garage as long as he makes no noise, doesn't let the neighbors see him, and generally pretends not to exist. He can't even come in the house to shower unless Don and his wife are at work.

Frank, having nowhere else to go, agrees to the living situation. He wants to hit the job trail, but for that he needs his driver's license and Social Security card, which he left with his mother when he got locked up. Don has more bad news; Frank's mom Martha had a debilitating stroke and is in a nursing home. There's a box that belonged to her in the garage. Frank digs through it and finds everything but what he needs: costume jewelry, his high school diploma, and old family photo albums.

The next morning, Frank goes to the DMV and Social Security office. They can't issue one card without the other. They'll accept a notarized letter with his picture on it from the prison, but it'll take 10 business days to arrive. Frank desperately needs to find a job so he can save up for his own place. He buys a suit from a thrift store and goes on several unsuccessful interviews. Frank's old friend Russ comes to visit with an employment opportunity: security guard at a strip club. The owner doesn't care that Frank doesn't have a driver's license or Social Security card; they'll pay him cash under the table.

Frank goes from security guard to chauffeur when Helen, a failed actress-turned stripper/prostitute, needs a ride to a private client's house. When she's done, er, entertaining, Frank drives her home. Drunk and high on cocaine, Helen makes aggressive sexual advances. Frank gallantly refuses to take advantage of a woman who's intoxicated. The two soon strike up a relationship, though Frank is socially awkward as hell having spent 22 years without female contact.

Frank eventually learns that the strip club is owned by Chris, the cocaine dealer who sent Frank on the drug run. Frank didn't rat on Chris because Chris had threatened to kill his parents. Chris is still pissed about the shipment he lost; however, he's willing to forgive Frank's debt if Frank will do something else that's highly illegal. The rest of the movie focuses on Frank trying to adjust to 21st century life and deciding whether or not to go through with what Chris wants.

Casting a main character with Frank's background is tricky: somebody you can empathize with but doesn't go "oh woe is me, I went to prison for drugs; it's not like I killed anybody!" Frank, the ex-con with a heart of gold, is played by Kenny Johnson. Kenny's turn as conflicted Detective Curtis Lemansky on The Shield made him perfect in this role. Not to mention it makes the scenes where Frank mopes around in a wifebeater very aesthetically pleasing.

Helen, played by Erin Daniels, isn't quite as sympathetic a character as Frank, but the two make a reasonably cute couple. Kenny is joined by fellow Shield alumni David Marciano as strip club manager Russ.

Even with an unsatisfying ending, Few Options is still a nice little indie drama.

Photo credit

"Captain America: Civil War"

This is a rather difficult movie to review; there's not much anyone can say about it without major spoilers. Essentially, the plot is that an Avengers mission goes sideways and results in massive civilian casualties, including an African king. The UN gets involved and doesn't believe the Avengers should be able to operate independently; a binding resolution should control when, where, and if they deploy. Tony Stark AKA Iron Man thinks it's their best chance at being able to keep operating; others agree, including War Machine and Black Widow. Steve Rogers AKA Captain America is opposed to this binding resolution, as are Falcon and his bestie Bucky Barnes AKA the Winter Solider.

The performances by all the actors involved almost make up for the borefest that was last summer's Age of Ultron. There's betrayal, intrigue, and buried secrets around almost every corner. The strongest cast members this time out are Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr., which of course makes sense due to the plot being all about their blood feud. That's about as much detail as I can give about the storyline itself. Here are a few other random observations:

• Seriously, who thought it was a good idea to name the African superhero the Black Panther? That name has pretty negative connotations associated with it. I understand that may have been the character's name in the original Marvel comics, but changing it would have been a good idea.
•  After whiny Tobey Maguire and the sucktastic Amazing Spider-Man movies, I developed a deep and serious dislike of that character. Tom Holland makes an appearance as Peter Parker. Socially awkward Spider-Man was much more relateable and sympathetic. He also had some genuinely funny one-liners. This kid made me want to see the new Spider-Man reboot when it comes out.
• Vision is freaking creepy as hell.
• I still haven't forgiven Scarlet Witch for the terrible hallucinations/flashbacks she made all the Avengers have in Age of Ultron. Those characters, oddly, don't seem to be holding even the slightest grudge. She's living with them in the Avengers compound now.
• After rolling my eyes at the trailers and refusing to see Ant-Man, I found myself liking his character. I might even watch his stand-alone movie now.
• There are two post-credits scenes, the first one of which is kind of emotionally traumatic.
• It's good to see Marisa Tomei back on screen again, this time as Peter's Aunt May.
• I hope to God that Deadpool never appears in an Avengers movie. The character is such a repulsive tool (and I've only seen trailers for that movie).

Photo credit: http://cdn1-www.superherohype.com/assets/uploads/gallery/captain-america-civil-war/ccghrbdxiaeu49d.jpg

Guest Review: "Witness"

Harrison Ford plays a cop protecting an Amish woman and her son after the son witnesses a murder that takes place in a Philadelphia train station. The Amish woman and her son are expecting a brief sojourn into the English world while waiting for a train to Baltimore. Rachel has lost her husband and is hoping she and her son can heal while visiting her sister's community. After Samuel visits the men's room and witnesses the murder of a policeman, mother and son visit the police station, where Samuel fingers a dirty cop as the perp. Now the good guys are in trouble. 

Harrison's character, John Book, is a detective who tries to keep track of the young witness and keep him and his mother from being harmed. John is shot before he can return mother and son to their community. John spends a couple of days naked and delirious in Rachel's house under her care.

Once he is well, John is asked by Rachel's father Eli to help around the place. John's first job is cow milking at 4 A.M. He does okay with that after a fashion. 

Speaking of fashion, the milking hat is an exquisite piece of finery obviously meant to humble the wearer. Though none of the hats in this movie come anywhere near the handsomeness of the fedora in Indiana Jones, the milking hat is in a class all its own. I guess the point of Amish hats is to prove useful to the wearer while evoking neither lust in the observer nor vanity in the wearer.

John Book himself fits in pretty well after a while. He has useful carpentry skills that wow the plain, simple Rachel and gain him some measure of respect among the Amish, even with Daniel, his rival for Rachel's affection.

John has a good relationship with Rachel's family until the fateful night of the thunderstorm when she lets him catch her bathing. He musters up the strength to resist temptation by keeping focused on his mission and the differences between their worlds. While fixing his car, John's resolve slips and he shows Rachel how to dance to music on his car radio. He's no Patrick Swayze, but Rachel's community doesn't seem to know about dancing, so he looks pretty good.

The gun becomes a problem when the dirty cops from the English world figure out how to track John down in the Amish world. All the dirty cops ended up dead and John had to leave because he'd brought so much violence to the community. I don't think John missed Rachel and Samuel half as much as he missed getting up at 4 A.M. to put on that beautiful milking cap to milk old Bessie.

"Murder in the First" (1995)

I was never interested in the sorts of things most young children, especially girls, would find remotely appealing. Case in point: I was about nine, spending a Sunday afternoon with my grandma . We were watching the Discovery Channel and a special came on, called “Public Enemies on The Rock,” a documentary about the history of Alcatraz and its infamous menagerie of inmates. I sat, riveted, listening to former guards and inmates tell stories of Al Capone, “Machine Gun” Kelly, Alvin “Creepy” Karpis, and daring escape attempts. I had never heard of these men or the prison before, but something about them and Alcatraz itself fascinated me. Over the next year, I watched more documentaries and read about a dozen books on the subject. Most of these reiterated information I already knew, so I quickly lost interest.

At a local video store recently, I stumbled upon this title. The tagline on the box proclaimed: “Based on the true story of the trial that brought down Alcatraz.” I ran through my mental file of Alcatraz lore. Nothing I had previously read or seen had mentioned anything about the prison being involved in any kind of lawsuit. 

Murder in the First is based on the trial of Henri Young. He was part of a group who tried to break out of Alcatraz in 1938, the famous escape attempt that resulted in the death of “Doc” Barker. Rufus McCain, one of the prisoners involved, tipped the guards off about the escape attempt and told them that Henri was the mastermind. Henri’s punishment was a stay in a basement dungeon that was used for solitary confinement when D Block got too crowded. At the time, federal law stated that a prisoner could be sentenced to solitary confinement for a maximum of 19 days; Henri was kept in the dungeon for 3 straight years. The guards beat him regularly and the assistant warden cut his Achilles tendons with a straight razor, leaving Henri partially crippled for life.

After 3 years, the assistant warden decided that Henri had learned his lesson. He was allowed to shower, taken to the prison barber for a shave and a haircut, and then escorted to the prison cafeteria. While Henri was eating, one of the other inmates told him that Rufus McCain was the reason Henri had been sent to the dungeon. Somewhere during his long stay in solitary, Henri had totally lost his mind, so he ran across the cafeteria and stabbed McCain in the neck with a spoon. McCain died instantly and Henri was charged with first-degree murder. The rest of the movie deals with the trial.

           

This movie features (what was for the mid-1990s) an A-list cast: Kevin Bacon, Gary Oldman, and Christian Slater. R. Lee Ermey, who played the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket, plays the judge. Kyra Sedgwick from that crappy TV show The Closer makes sort of a cameo appearance as a court reporter who must be tragically underpaid. (Watch the movie and you’ll understand what I mean).

Christian Slater plays James Stamphill, a Harvard Law graduate who now works for the public defender in San Francisco. James is fresh out of law school and frustrated because he hasn’t gotten to go to court yet. His boss assigns him the Henri Young case; he figures James won’t win, but at least he’ll get some experience as a trial attorney.

I’ve seen a few other Christian Slater movies. In most of them, the characters he played were very unlikeable, so I had no sympathy for them. Whatever happened to them, they deserved it, end of story. James Stamphill is not one of those characters. James doesn’t defend Henri because he’ll get a fat paycheck. He doesn’t defend Henri because the cute legal secretary down the hall says she’ll sleep with him after he tries his first case, whether he wins or loses. James defends Henri because he is horrified that three years of “rehabilitation” turned a petty criminal into a murdering nutcase and wants to make sure the guards are not allowed to treat any other prisoners in such an inhumane fashion.

Henri was played by Kevin Bacon. He seemed “into” this role, so I found it easy to react to what was happening to his character. In a scene where he cries on the stand and says he’d rather be executed than go back to Alcatraz because of what the guards did to him, it’s hard not to feel sorry for him. When Henri did strange or creepy things, I started to think maybe Kevin Bacon wasn’t acting.

I was startled when I did some research online and learned that Kevin Bacon wasn’t even considered for a Best Actor Oscar. I mean, look at Anthony Hopkins and Jack Nicholson. They both received Best Actor for playing psychopathic killers. Maybe the role of Henri Young didn’t count because Henri wasn’t crazy to start with?

Looking at the facts of the case from a 21^st-century perspective, I am surprised there was even a trial at all. During the 1930s and 1940s, inmates who killed other inmates were usually handled internally by the warden of the prison where the crime took place. A couple of weeks in solitary and several years added to the murderer’s sentence was the usual punishment. The life of a fellow inmate just wasn’t worth the hassle and expense of a public trial; those usually happened only if an inmate killed a guard. I suppose an exception was made in the Henri Young case because the murder took place on Alcatraz, which was federal property.

This movie isn’t for everyone. It’s not something you watch to be entertained. You watch it maybe because you enjoy the historical aspect of it or you find the legal aspect interesting or you just like movies with human drama and emotion. Even though it doesn’t end all that happily, you can still turn the DVD off feeling satisfied. I highly recommend it.