So I Finally Watched "Elf"

(Image credit)

For the last 13 Christmases, I have purposely avoided this movie. I liked Will Ferrell in the Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson version of Starsky and Hutch and that's it. Something about the guy has just always rubbed me the wrong way. I thought I got weird looks when I said I've never watched a single Star Wars movie all the way through; that's nothing compared to how people reacted when I admitted to never seeing a single moment of Elf. I went into this review with gritted teeth and low expectations.

The premise is simple: While Santa is delivering gifts to the residents of an orphanage, a baby stows away in the bag of toys. The baby ends up at the North Pole, where Papa Elf (Bob Newhart) volunteers to raise him. Buddy (Will Ferrell) grows up making toys and apprenticing Papa as a sleigh mechanic. It only takes 30+ years for Buddy to realize he's much bigger than the elves. Papa tells Buddy the truth about being adopted. Buddy's birth father Walter (James Caan) lives in New York City and Buddy sets off to meet him.

Walter doesn't know what to make of Buddy at first. In fact, he has no idea that a child other than his preteen son Michael even exists. In college, Walter was involved with a fellow student named Susan; she became pregnant, didn't tell Walter, and gave their baby up for adoption. 

For his part, Buddy has wacky misunderstandings about human culture and has a meet-cute with Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), a department store elf.

Is Elf as good as other Christmas family comedies such as Home Alone or Jingle All the Way? No. Is it worth seeing? Yes. It's pure fluff and Christmas magic all the way through. I especially enjoyed all the references to the 1964 classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in the opening scenes. Jovie and Buddy are a cute couple. It was interesting to see Sonny Corleone's adopted child on the other side of the adoption scenario.

While I smiled and laughed a lot, this scene is probably my favorite:

Merry Christmas to all!

Colt Ford and Charlie Daniels Band at the State Fair

I will just come right out and say that country music is my least favorite genre. It seems to praise being drunk and ignorant, at least most of the stuff I hear on my local radio station does. There's always been one exception to that rule for me: Charlie Daniels Band. On a road trip to Ohio as a kid, my mom played one of their greatest hits CDs, and by the end of that weekend, I was a Charlie Daniels fan. Charlie can sing, play, and write some great songs. I saw him in concert at the same venue when I was 13 and he blew me away.

Last night, Charlie came by again and I went to see him. His opening act, Colt Ford, is somebody I had never heard of. I may not listen to country, but since I live in Kentucky, I can't help but be aware of who the popular artists are. I saw hordes of girls wearing Colt Ford T-shirts, which led me to assume he was young and/or attractive. When Colt stepped onstage, I immediately saw I was wrong on both counts. He was very overweight with long hair and a beard that could earn him a guest appearance on Duck Dynasty. 

I almost laughed hysterically when he started singing about cruising around getting girls to ride in his pickup because women were rushing the stage to get selfies with him. I guarantee that if they were approached by a man who looked like Colt but wasn't rich and famous and wanted to take them for a ride, they would run screaming in the opposite direction. They might even call the cops.

Lots of tiresome lyrics about huntin' fishin' and muddin'. I also learned that Colt is responsible for one of the most overplayed, terrible songs of the last few years "Dirt Road Anthem." I may not like country, but I still think he has a lot of nerve comparing himself to George Jones. In a different song, Colt compared his feelings for a woman to his love of chicken 'n biscuits, both of which he should probably cut out of his diet if he wants to live a few more years. "I love you like a fat kid loves cake" was not a complimentary sentiment when 50 Cent sang it; making it about different food items and singing it with a Southern twang does not improve upon it. The only song I didn't absolutely hate during his set was his cover of "Lose Yourself" by Eminem.

When Charlie Daniels hit the stage, the crowd went even wilder, as well they should have; he's a living legend of country music. His set wasn't like what he played back in '03, which featured everything from Lynyrd Skynyrd covers to his own music. Last night's concert consisted mostly instrumental jamming, terrible solo projects his band members wrote, Dylan covers, a Johnny Cash cover, and a drum solo that went on entirely too long. Charlie did play a handful of his standards: "Long-Haired Country Boy," "The South's Gonna Do It Again," and my all-time favorite "The Legend of Wooley Swamp." The finale was the guaranteed crowd-pleaser "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." Even though Charlie is 78 years old and had a stroke a few years ago, the man can still play the hell out of a fiddle and a guitar.

Cabin Fever

Kentucky does a lot of things well, however, preparing for any type of winter weather is not one of them. A few flurries send people dashing to the nearest store for bread and milk. Earlier this week, a severe snowstorm was predicted and Facebook was filled with pictures of bare shelves at Walmart. Such scares are common and I was fairly confident it wouldn't be as bad as predicted.

Well, the meteorologists picked this time to be right. Over a foot of snow fell on average; the governor declared a state of emergency. Every aspect of life has come to a grinding halt: government offices like the DMV and the health department, K-12 school districts, colleges, daycares, and even a major mall are shut down. I have been unable to leave my house for the last 3 days. 72 hours, 4,320 minutes....

If ever a song could sum up the feelings of an entire state, I think this Disney number would.

Guy From Jersey Nails "It Wasn't Me"

Amazing 9-Year-Old Sings "Lean On Me"

This little British girl wanted to do something special to honor the hospital workers who have helped saved her life. I think she accomplished her goal! :)

Crimes Against Music: "Wanted Dead Or Alive" Cover

I will come right out and say that in general, I loathe country music. The nasal twang, repetitive topics (trucks, beer, having sex in the woods, acting like an ignorant hillbilly), and moronic lyrics grate on my last nerve. This has made growing up in the South difficult at best (to say nothing of dating).

There are a few select artists and songs in the genre that don't make me want to jab the mute button. Zac Brown Band was on their way to becoming acceptable to me thanks to their recent hits "Sweet Annie" and "Knee Deep." Then this happened...

On the surface, Zac Brown teaming up with ex-Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora seems like a failsafe idea. Zac Brown almost immediately messes up one word of the lyrics. On its own, that would be forgivable. Richie Sambora (who of all people should know how to perform this song) screws up the tempo when he sings the second verse. He's one of the best guitarists in the business, but singing, well, he should leave that to someone else. As for Zac Brown, this song for whatever reason is ill-suited to his voice and musical style.

I have to question whether the crowd cheering so wildly is: a) completely drunk, b) tone-deaf, c) have somehow never heard the original, or d) all of the above.

Covering a song from another genre is something that generally never goes right for country artists, though it can work well in reverse (example: All-4-One covering John Michael Montgomery's ballad "I Swear"). I must (grudgingly) give props to Taylor Swift for her cover of "When Love And Hate Collide"; lyrically, it's in her wheelhouse and she brought the Southern lilt to it without mutilating the original. 

Party Up (Llama Style)

This llama may be on a farm, but he's still living the thug life

Bon Jovi "Because We Can" Tour 2013

I went to Louisville last night to see one of my favorite bands live for the first time. After standing in a long line to get into the KFC Yum Center and an equally long one for a souvenir T-shirt, my dad and I settled into our seats in the upper deck. Kentucky is not known for its love of '80s arena rock, so I expected only about half the seats in the arena would be full. I seriously underestimated the lure of Bon Jovi; the place was nearly sold out. Every age bracket was represented, from elementary school kids with their parents to the elderly.

The show ended up starting at 8:00 PM instead of 7:30 as printed on the tickets. Not sure why as neither Jon nor anyone else from the band explained the delay. There was no opening act, so Bon Jovi came right out and opened the show with their perennial favorite "You Give Love a Bad Name." A spectacular light display accompanied them, swirling their trademark heart-and-dagger logo into the crowd.

They played a few tracks from their new album What About Now: "Because We Can," "That's What the Water Made Me," and "What About Now." They also played some songs from what was, in my opinion, an ill-advised foray into expanding their sound to country. But mostly they stuck to their hits. In fact, their setlist included every song I posted this week with the exception of "Let It Rock". There were little surprises, like when they paused "Bad Medicine" to sing the entirety of "Old Time Rock and Roll" (weird since it's not even their song) and jumped back into the end of "Bad Medicine." The concert lasted about 3 hours and there were a total of 7 (!!!) encores.

I've been to my share of classic rock concerts in my life: Elton John, Billy Joel, Cheap Trick, Def Leppard, and Poison. Bon Jovi absolutely blew me away. Jon Bon Jovi is far and away the most energetic, upbeat performer I've ever seen. He barely stopped moving the entire show. Even when he was standing at the microphone, he was tapping his heels, clapping, or doing jazz hands. Jon's enthusiasm is contagious. The majority of the audience remained standing through the concert, dancing and shouting out the lyrics. More than once, Jon either stopped singing entirely to conduct the audience or yelled, "Help me out now!" so we would sing louder.

On a side note, few men Jon's age could (or should) attempt to wear black leather pants, but he manages to pull off the look. Women in the audience (myself included) went wild every time he started shaking his leather-clad behind.

Jon has quite the sense of humor and played around with the crowd. The band appeared on last night's American Idol, which Jon referenced by saying, "The real me is right here in Louisville. Stunt Me is in Los Angeles with all the crazy people." When Jon started to play the opening chords of "Wanted Dead Or Alive," the audience went wild, their hit having been given a new life thanks to the movie Rock of Ages. He grinned roguishly and asked, "You guys know this one, right?"

One of the reasons I've always been such a big Bon Jovi fan is because a lot of their songs have deep meanings. This becomes even more clear once you see them performed live. Jon sings every note from the heart, which caused me to tear up during "Someday I'll Be Saturday Night" and "Blood On Blood." He also makes the upbeat songs even more fun than they already are.

I left the arena with ringing ears, a sore throat, and a huge smile on my face. Bon Jovi is definitely giving their audience their money's worth. If there is any way it is humanly possible for you to catch this tour, I highly recommend you do it. You won't regret it.

SHOWTIME!!!: "Let It Rock"

Could I have found a more appropriate song for tonight? Stay tuned for a concert review. (rock hands)

1 Day 'Til Showtime: "Bad Medicine"

My karaoke staple

2 Days 'Til Showtime: "Blood On Blood"

I don't have any biological siblings. But throughout my high school and college careers, I've been lucky enough to meet people who've turned into an assortment of "adopted" brothers and sisters. Mostly brothers, although that's changed a bit since joining my sorority. Some people I know would swear we actually are related.

I see a lot of my "brothers" and "sisters" all the time; some of us have drifted apart for one reason or another. I'm graduating this May and it's gonna hurt leaving them behind. The following lyric speaks volumes about the bond that I have with my "adopted siblings":

"Through the years and miles between us
It's been a long and lonely ride
But if I got a call in the dead of the night
I'd be right by your side"

3 Days 'Til Showtime: "Wanted Dead Or Alive"

When I saw the movie version of Rock of Ages last summer, I knew this song was in it. I was very worried that Tom Cruise would butcher one of my favorite songs of all time. I ended up being pleasantly surprised. He didn't just do justice to the original, he rocked it! Judge for yourself; both versions are below.

4 Days 'Til Showtime: "Someday I'll Be Saturday Night"

Whenever life gets rough, I put this song on, cry out my feelings, and remind myself that I'm just experiencing a temporary setback. It's gotten me through so much: my grandmother's death, losing pets, struggling to find a job, and times when I've just felt utterly alone. The chorus in particular is what really speaks to me: 

"Tuesday just might go my way
Can't get worse than yesterday
Thursdays, Fridays ain't been kind
But somehow I survive

Hey, man, I'm alive
I'm takin' each day and night at a time
Yeah, I'm down but I know I'll get by
Hey, hey, hey, hey, man, I'm gonna live my life
I ain't got nothing but this roll of the dice
I'm feelin' like a Monday
But someday I'll be Saturday night"

5 Days 'Til Showtime: "Runaway"

For Christmas, my dad got me tickets to Bon Jovi's upcoming concert in my home state. I've been waiting at least 5 years for one of their concerts to come anywhere close to me, so you can imagine my excitement. I'm gonna be counting down 'til Thursday by posting my favorite songs.

First up is this song from 1983. It was the band's first hit single and won a radio contest for best song by an unsigned band. When most people think of Bon Jovi, they think "Wanted Dead or Alive", "Livin' On a Prayer," or "You Give Love a Bad Name," all absolute classics. But without "Runaway," those songs most likely wouldn't exist.

"Because We Can" by Bon Jovi

Been waiting for this single to come out for a long time. I'm relieved that it's lived up to the advertisement that the band is going back to its rock roots. I've found their country-fied sound to be grating and intolerable. This makes me even more excited for March; my dad got me tickets to Bon Jovi's concert at a local venue for Christmas.

5 Days 'Til Christmas: "All Alone on Christmas" by Darlene Love & The E Street Band

Apologies for not publishing this yesterday.

5 years ago, I had the pleasure of visiting New York City and admiring the city's famous Christmas decorations. (Sadly, the Rockefeller Center's tree had not been put up yet). I've always loved this song from the Home Alone 2: Lost in New York soundtrack. Now that I've seen most of the mentioned landmarks in person, it holds an even more special place in my heart.

"Payphone (Mark Sanchez Style)"

About a week ago, I ran across this Jets-themed parody of Maroon 5's hit song "Payphone." I think it's grossly unfair to be picking on Tebow. He's barely seen any playing time since the preseason, so quite honestly, he's the least of the team's problems at this point. Mark Sanchez has been an absolute embarrassment, especially since his infamous Thanksgiving Day "butt fumble" against the Patriots.

I was inspired to rework the parody's lyrics. Please be aware that I take absolutely no credit at all for the original version by Maroon 5 or the parody video above.

"I'm just a Jets fan
Watching Mark Sanchez
Hoping that he gets pulled from the game
Where has the ball gone?
He's playing all wrong
I sit on my couch cursing his name

Yeah, I-I know that we all remember
The Jets big controversy
It's getting real hard to figure
Why Sanchez is starting QB
He calls himself the "San-chise"
Why does Ryan still try?
And 'cause of the games that he wasted
Playoff hopes are about to die

Tim is benched on game nights
Mark's under the lights
And I'm paralyzed
Just waiting for him to mess up again
And swear loudly when I am right

I'm just a Jets fan
Watching Mark Sanchez
Hoping that he gets pulled from the game
Where has the ball gone?
He's playing all wrong
I sit on my couch cursing his name

If justice in football did exist
Ryan would be benching #6
Tebow haters are so full of it
One more interception, I'll be sick

It's gotten really depressing
Sanchez keeps blowing games
They give him the ball to run with
But Mark just gives points away
You can't expect me to be fine
Why doesn't Rex seem to care?
15 is glued to the bench now
Why won't they just let poor Timmy play?

Tim is benched on game nights
Mark's under the lights
And I'm paralyzed
Just waiting for him to mess up again
And swear loudly when I am right

I'm just a Jets fan
Watching Mark Sanchez
Hoping that he gets pulled from the game
Where has the ball gone?
He's playing all wrong
I sit on my couch cursing his name

If justice in football did exist
Ryan would be benching #6
Tebow haters are so full of it
One more interception, I'll be sick"

Songs I Heard Too Young

Though I'm only 22, I recognize more classic rock songs than modern ones. My parents almost always listened to our local classic rock stations whenever we went anywhere in the car and I quickly developed a love for the genre.

It's only in recent years that I've realized how many dark/sexual messages I was exposed to that I didn't really understand. I have great parents, but sometimes I wonder what they were thinking. Here are some songs that sparked funny and fond childhood memories:

• "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith. I was in first grade when this song was in heavy rotation. Because of the "hey-diddle-diddle" chorus, I thought it was a nursery rhyme. I wound up getting busted for singing it on the school playground.
• "Lady Marmalade" by Patti Labelle. I thought it was sophisticated because of the French lyrics. I could pronounce them all pretty well for a six-year-old. My maternal grandmother was French-Canadian, spent 3 years living in Quebec, and could speak French. I decided to impress her by singing it one afternoon. Needless to say, she was horrified, but she refused to tell me what the French words meant.
• "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel. I became a Billy Joel fan after seeing the Disney movie Oliver & Company (he was the voice of Dodger). I went to Catholic school for second grade, so I was put under strict orders not to sing it in public. What made it an even bigger no-no is that I live in the South, where Catholics aren't too popular to begin with.
• "Ramblin' Man" by The Allman Brothers Band. Is there anything more adorable than a freckle-faced 8-year-old girl singing about a man being killed over a gambling debt, babies being born on Greyhound buses, and womanizing? I don't think so.
• "Hotel California" by The Eagles. Not sure how I old I was, probably elementary school. I'd go into like a trance whenever this song came on the radio. When I couldn't sleep, I'd slip out of my room, take my parents' Eagles album, and put it in my Fisher-Price tape player. It and "Desperado" were my lullabies.
• "In the Ghetto" by Elvis Presley. I was about 7 and taking a dance class. Everyone got to pick a song to perform an interpretative dance to during the last class and that was our recital. I was listening to Elvis with my grandma one afternoon and when the tape got to this song, I said, "This is my dance song." She tried to convince me to pick one of my favorite Disney songs instead, but I was a stubborn little kid. When it was my turn on recital day, I stood up and proudly danced my routine. Pretty much everyone thought I was nuts.
• "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. Pretty much self-explanatory.
  
• "Fat-Bottomed Girls" by Queen. Or as I like to call it: the original "Baby Got Back." When I was little, my mom would turn off the radio every time this song came on. I would cry because the opening guitar riff sounds a lot like the one for Elton John's version of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King." I now understand she didn't want me asking questions about the implied pedophilia in the first verse.
• "Renegade" by Styx. This was my favorite song for several months when I was in about first grade. I'd wear my dollar-store cowboy hat, go to whatever room my family was in, and put on this "concert" for them. The other songs in my set were "Midnight Rider" and "Ramblin' Man."
• "Centerfold" by J Geils Band. While Riverdance was popular, I used to love copying their moves and I thought this song sounded Irish. If I wasn't in the car when this song played, I'd dance the Highland Fling to it. My mom caught me one day; I didn't know why she was so upset. A couple years later, in 5th grade, she sat me down and explained what the song was about. It's a miracle I can listen to it now without feeling embarrassed.
•  "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC. Ah, the interesting discussions this song produced. "Mommy, why would people wear shoes made of concrete? And what's cyanide?" I remember hearing the word "neckties" as a small child and thinking, "Why are they singing about getting dressed up?" I was in middle school when I finally figured out it was about murder-for-hire.