2017: Year In Review

After a long hiatus for which I have no excuse, Shortstack is back! Overall, last year was a pretty good one for pop culture. Here's a summary of where my love for it took me this year:

Movies:
I went to my local theater a lot last year. What I didn't catch in theaters, I saw via Redbox. My brief impressions of everything I saw.

• Power Rangers: Didn't quite live up to my memories of the original from the 1990's, but it wasn't unwatchable.
• CHIPS: Still can't believe I watched the whole thing; no wonder Erik Estrada wanted nothing to do with it.
• King Arthur--Legend of the Sword: Came out the day I graduated nursing school, so I dragged my boyfriend and family to the theater after the ceremony. Extremely disappointing, even though Charlie Hunnam was frequently shirtless.
• Kong--Skull Island: Absolutely loved it.
• Wonder Woman: Boyfriend Redboxed it. Pretty good, but I still prefer MCU.
• Dead Again In Tombstone: Another Redbox find. I love Danny Trejo, but found it hard to keep track of what the hell was happening.
• Ingrid Goes West: Aubrey Plaza at her darkly comedic best.
• Guardians of the Galaxy--Volume 2: Endlessly quotable with a kick-ass soundtrack and A+ casting in Kurt Russell as Peter Quill's estranged father.
• Star Wars--The Last Jedi: Boyfriend took me. Prior to this, I'd never seen a Star Wars movie all the way through and had zero interest in doing so. I spent the rest of that weekend binging the original trilogy (not gonna lie, the Porgs helped).
• Spider-Man--Homecoming: Tom Holland is 1,000% more likable than Andrew Garfield or Tobey Maguire.
• Logan: The ending made me bawl in the theater.
• Thor--Ragnarok: It's rare for a sequel to be almost better than the original. Really enjoyed the Hemsworth/Ruffalo bromance.
• Kingsman--The Golden Circle: Elton John's performance alone was worth the price of admission. A worthy follow-up to The Secret Service. Although I'm not happy they killed JB.

TV:

• After 6 amazing seasons, Longmire had its last roundup. Walt and Vic (finally) hooked up and admitted their feelings for each other. Henry got the happy ending he deserved. 
• Bates Motel also ended with the expected amount of murder and mayhem. (RIP to yet another Kenny Johnson character, the incestuous Caleb Calhoun). The last man standing in the Bates clan was Norman's illegitimate half-brother Dylan.
• Kenny Johnson wasn't gone from TV for long before being cast in the revival of S.W.A.T. as team driver and third-generation SWAT cop Dominique Luca. Add in Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds and you have a recipe for sexiness. There's also solid writing by The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan.
• Sneaky Pete, Amazon's original series starring Giovanni Ribisi as a charming con artist quickly became something I recommended to all my friends.
• Santa Clarita Diet. Though I am by no means a fan of the zombie genre, I couldn't resist after hearing Timothy Olyphant was attached to it. He and Drew Barrymore are fantastically hilarious as husband and wife trying to cope with Drew's sudden appetite for human flesh.
• Vice Principals had a solid series finale. I only wish there was more of Walton Goggins as the delightfully foulmouthed and psychotic Lee Russell to look forward to.

Celebrity Encounters: 

Golly days, it might be easier to list who I didn't meet last year. My local comic con, though in a midsize Southern city, attracts some high-profile talent.

• Theo Rossi AKA Juice from Sons of Anarchy and Shades from Luke Cage. "How you doin', doll?" the first thing he said to me in that New York accent made my knees go weak. I told him Juice was in my top 5 favorite Sons and he asked who else. I listed off Jax (of course), Opie, Chibs, and Kozik. "Really?" said Theo, "I don't hear a lotta people say that." Turns out he's also a big Shield fan and Lem was his favorite character too.
• Robin Lord Taylor AKA Penguin from Gotham. My cousin and I both cosplayed as Penguinettes (complete with Cobblepot for Mayor buttons), which he thought was absolutely adorable. He was so flattered I have a cat named Oswald that he almost cried. 
• Jeffrey Dean Morgan. At an absolutely disastrous out-of-state con, measures meant to cut wait time made it worse. My cousin and I waited 4 hours (!!!!). When he heard how long we'd been waiting, Jeffrey said, "Fuck! I'm sorry, girls" and hugged us both.
• Dee Wallace AKA Patricia of The Frighteners. Very sweet, mild-mannered little old lady. She did a guest role on Supernatural and gleefully described Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles as "yummy."
• Traci Lords AKA Wanda from Cry-Baby and a vampiress in Blade. And also porn, per my dad. When I brought up Blade, she said, "That heatseeker guy [Kenny Johnson] was actually like super-nice? I don't know what happened to him? I think he's on some cop show now..." 
• Walter Jones AKA the original Black Power Ranger and Rondell Robinson from The Shield. Told him I was a huge Power Rangers fan growing up, but I really liked him as Rondell. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed, "I was a beast on that show!" Walter danced me around his booth to "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing" by Stevie Wonder, making him one of my more memorable con meetings.
• Danny Trejo. I love Con-Air, so I wore a fake cop badge and an Air Marshals Put the Bunny in the Box shirt to meet him. I also carried around a pink stuffed bunny in a box labeled POE. Danny's first question was, "What's with the bunny?" I told him what I was referencing.
  He laughed and smiled, telling me this was the first time anybody had ever thought of bringing a Con-Air bunny. He asked where I got my shirt so he could get one just like it. Danny also insisted on the bunny being in the picture and signed the shoe box as Johnny-23, his character from the movie.

2018 is already shaping up to be good. Got some fun plans in the works and will update my blog more often. 

Top 10 Quotes: "The Frighteners"

Wow, have I neglected this blog! Life as a new nurse has gotten in the way. Coming back with this slightly late Halloween-themed post.

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1. Milton: You are violating my territorial bubble!

2. Cyrus: I could complain too, ya know. I would like some new clothes. You get to dress nice. Here I am still looking like Linc from The Mod Squad.
Frank: You died in the '70s. It's a bummer.

3. Ray: (after Frank runs over one of his lawn gnomes) My Budzo! I've got your license plate number, you bastard!

4. Cyrus: Ah, the old express bus to hell. No lines, no waiting.

5. Ray: I'm gonna sue your ass!
Frank: Let's not get litigious, all right? Send me a bill.
Ray: (reads Frank's business card) "Frank Bannister, Psychic Investigator"? How come you couldn't see the corner coming?

6. Old Lady Bradley: You don't know who my daughter is, do you? Patricia's not to be trusted.
Lucy: I beg your pardon?
Old Lady Bradley: I can have her locked up any time I want. They said she was an accessory after the fact. I know the truth. It was cold...blooded...murder.

7. Lucy: (sees young Patricia in a documentary about the Fairwater Sanatorium murders) That's her! I was in her house this afternoon.
Ray: Oh, that's terrific, honey. We've been in town for 3 months and you're making friends with the Manson family.

8. Judge: When a man's jawbone drops off, it's time to reassess the situation.

9. Frank: Persistent residue of the departed. Always a problem this time of year.

10. Ray: They shoulda fried her when they fried Bartlett.
Lucy: She was fifteen years old. You know, she just fell in love with the wrong guy. (pointed look) Could happen to anyone.

Top 10 Quotes: "A Goofy Movie"

On this day in 1995, Disney released one of its most underrated animated movies. Catchy tunes like "Stand Out" and "After Today" make this a road trip you'll want to take again and again. It's tough to be cool when your dad is Goofy.

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1. Goofy: Hey, Maxie, let's play a game. You think of a name and I'll try and guess who it is. Man or woman?
Max: (groaning) Aw man.
Goofy: Man, huh? That's a toughie. Let's see...Walt Disney!
Max: (dully) Right.

2. Max: (increasingly nervous when Roxanne's hulking dad answers the door) Hi. Is Roxanne home? Oh, my name is Max. Does Roxanne live here? Does she even live on this block?

3. Goofy: There'll be plenty of time for parties when you're older, Maxie. Why, when I was your age, I'd never even been invited to a party. And look at me now!

4. Bobby: Look! It's the Leaning Tower of Cheese-a!

5. Pete: Taking a break from the MTV generation, huh? Can't say as I blame you. (jumps in the hot tub and half the water sloshes out) People are always puttin' too much water in these things.

6. Max: This is the stupidest vacation! You drag me from home and jam me in this dumb car and drive me a million miles away to see some stupid rat show!

7. Goofy: (trying to guilt Max after his initial refusal to go on the trip) All right then. Guess I'll just have to go all alone, that's all. Just sit in the boat...all alone. And talk to myself. All alone.
Max: (brightly) I guess so!

8. Pete: If you keep 'em under your thumb, they'll never end up in the gutter.

9. Max: (singing) Can someone call a taxi
And get me outta here
To Beverly Hills, 90210?

10. Goofy: (singing) Who deserves a hero's trophy
As we face each cat-a-strophe
Nobody else but you

Top 10 Quotes: "Goon"

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1. Doug: I think we both have a light in our stomachs. A special light...like E.T. And the team needs somebody to light the way. My stomach light needs your stomach light. We can all phone home together.

2. Rod: (after the singer butchers the national anthem) That was borderline treasonous and a disgrace to our nation and its proud and storied history.

3. Doug: Where's LaFlamme?
Gord: Probably giving a single mother herpes in a parking lot.

4. Eva: You make me wanna stop sleeping with a bunch of guys.
Doug: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

5. Gord: (while drunk) Do you know cats only meow when there are people around?

6. Ronnie: Tonight--good food, good women, good rest...not necessarily in that order.

7. (The team is trying to talk Doug into their supposed initiation ritual of getting his penis signed)
Oleg: It's not gay.
Evgeni: Not if you're brothers.
Marco: If you're brothers, it's gay with a fucking dash of somethin' else.

8. Doug: For once in my life, I'm actually a part of something. I get to wear a uniform that doesn't have "security" on it. Kids buy it and they wear it and it's got our name on it. Now for whatever reason, you guys think I'm smart enough to be a doctor or something. I have fist smarts. I can fight. I'm strong and I can protect people. That's who I am. That's what I do. And you should be proud of me.

9. Ronnie: Funny? As in "ha-ha" funny? Like flushing a $5 million contract up your nose funny? Or funny as in "peculiar," like Doug here?

10. Marco: Two rules: Don't touch my Percocets. And do you have any fucking Percocets?

Top 10 Quotes: "Anastasia"

Today would've been my grandma Diane's 79th birthday. She was one of the kindest, most unselfish people I ever knew. I was lucky enough that I grew up 5 minutes from her house; she practically raised me while my parents were working. We loved to watch movies together and even when I got older, Anastasia was still one of our favorites. I suppose it was because we related so well to the bond Anastasia had with her grandmother Marie. It seems only fitting to post this in her honor.

1. Dowager Empress Marie: "You were the boy, weren't you? The servant boy who got us out. You saved her life and mine and you restored her to me. And yet you want no reward."

2. Anastasia: "Do you really think I'm royalty?"
Dmitri: "You know I do."
Anastasia: "Then stop bossing me around!"

3. Bartok: "You should really watch your blood pressure. My nephew Izzy, he just keeled over one day, mid-mango. And he's a fruit bat, sir. No meat, no bloody."

4. Vlad: "It's what I hate about this government. Everything's in red."

5. [Anastasia is looking inside an ugly dress Dmitri bought her]
Dmitri: "What are you looking for?"
Anastasia: "The Russian Circus. I think it's still in here!"

6. Vlad: "I see an engaging and fiery young woman, who on on a number of occasions has show a regal command equal to any royal in the world. And I have known my share of royalty. You see, I was a member of the Imperial Court."

7. Anastasia: "'Go left,' she says. I know what's to the left. I'll be Anya the Orphan forever."

8. Bartok: "Is this the face of a bat who would lie to you?"

9. Anastasia: "It's kind of hard to think of yourself as a duchess when you're sleeping on a damp floor. But, sure, yeah, I guess every lonely girl would hope she's a princess."

10. Dowager Empress Marie: "Knowing that you are alive, seeing the woman you've become brings me joy I never thought I could feel again."

I love you forever, Grandmama.

Top 10 Quotes: "Point Break (1991)"

1. Bodhi: "Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true."

2. Pappas: "Listen, you snotnosed little shit, I was takin' shrapnel in Khe Sahn while you were crappin' in your hands and rubbin' it on your face!"

3. Harp: "You know nothing. In fact, you know less than nothing. If you knew that you knew nothing, that would be something, but you don't."

4. Roach: (while disguised as President Nixon during a bank robbery) "I am not a crook!"

5. Bodhi: "Little hand says it's time to rock and roll."

6. Johnny: "This is your fucking wakeup call, man! I am an F! B! I! Agent!"

7. Harp: "Special Agent Utah, this is not some job flipping burgers at the local drive-in. Yes, the surfboard bothers me. Yes, your approach to this whole damn case bothers me. And yes, YOU BOTHER ME!"

8. 15: "It's never too late. A lotta guys your age are learning to surf."
Johnny: "I'm 25."

9. Pappas: "Last time you had a feeling, I had to kill a guy...and I hate that! It looks bad on my report."

10. Johnny: "You crossed the line. People trusted you and they died. You gotta go down."

Top 10 Quotes: "Home Alone"

1. Marv: "Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy."

2. Gangster 'Johnny': "Keep the change, ya filthy animal."

3. Kate: "Heather, did you count heads?"
Heather: "11, including me. 5 boys, 6 girls, 4 parents, 2 drivers, and a partridge in a pear tree."

4. Harry: "I think we're gettin' scammed by a kindy-gartener."

5. Kevin: "Bless this highly nutritious microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen."

6. Kate: "This is Christmas! The season of perpetual hope! And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike, if it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son."

7. Gus (while trying to make Kate feel better about forgetting Kevin): "I did leave one [his kid] at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was awful We were all distraught, the wife and I. We left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day. All day. And we went back at night, you know, after we came to our senses. Apparently he'd been there alone all day with the corpse. But he was okay. You know, after 6-7 weeks, he came around and started talking again."

8. Kevin (after flipping through Buzz's copy of Playboy): "No clothes on anybody! Sickening!"

9. Peter: "How am I supposed to shave in France?"
Kate: "Grow a goatee."

10. Buzz: "Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits?"
Rod: "Some don't."
Buzz: "But they got nude beaches."
Rod (exasperated): "Not in the winter."

Top 10 Quotes: "Backdraft"

Posting this list in honor of my best friend's birthday. Proud to have served with him on the same volunteer fire department and to have such a selfless friend.

1. Steven: You go, we go.

2. Ronald: The funny about firemen is...night and day, they're always firemen.

3. Steven: It's not like having a bad day sellin' log cabins. You have a bad day here and somebody dies.

4. Tim (in an elevator): How do we know if the floor is on fire in one of these?
Steven: When the doors open, if it's hot, don't get out.

5. Grindle (as Engine 17 pulls up to a fully involved building): Shake 'n bake, boys! I think we got ourselves a barbecue!

6. Axe: You know, when I learned that both McCaffrey would be assigned at the same station together at the same time, my heart was filled with...a sudden desire to transfer.

7. Shadow: So you punched out a window for ventilation. Was that before or after you noticed you were standing in a lake of gasoline? Was that BEFORE or AFTER you noticed you were standing in a lake of gasoline, YOU IDIOT?

8. Brian: Does this really have to be one of those big brother/little brother "you broke my GI Joe and I'm still pissed" games?

9. Shadow: I have a very uncomplicated job: to decide if a fire is arson and if so, to catch the son of a bitch doing it.  If my investigative methods happen to muck up the campaign of certain mayor wannabes, I gotta tell ya, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.

10. Axe (toasting Tim): Despite the fact that he was born with a rather dull expression and a really hideous pair of ears, he not only took on the beast, but pulled from its clutches, assisted by a more famous and brilliant firefighter, me....a kicking and screaming civilian who will probably wind up suing us for breaking her fingernails.

Top 10 Quotes: "The War At Home"

This 1996 drama directed by Emilio Estevez tells the heartbreaking story of a Vietnam veteran's first Thanksgiving with his family since returning to Texas.

1. Karen: The final battle of Vietnam was fought along an unrecognized front, far from the shellings and the smell of napalm and the sound of planes and guns. It was a battle my brother Jeremy fought when he came back.

2. Bob: (says this repeatedly before showing people pictures of a young Jeremy) Did I ever tell you I was friends with a famous cowboy?

3. Maurine: I wish they would make Thanksgiving on a Sunday, then everyone could go to a service before they eat with their families. It'd be more religious, like it was with the Pilgrims.
Jeremy: What about the Indians?
Maurine: Oh, there were no Indians at the first Thanksgiving.

4. Bob: (to his nephew) 299. Don't tell me you don't know what that means, David. I think your old man knows what it means, don't you, Howe? That's your goddamn birthday, David, for when they pulled the numbers out for the draft card lottery. 299, that's the number that saved your ass from having to go and fight in Vietnam. Would you like to know what Jeremy's number was? It was 8! 8! 8!

5. Maurine: (about Jeremy) I just don't understand what went wrong. His whole life, he was so
grown-up, so polite.
Karen: War changes people.
Maurine: War doesn't make you rude to your parents.

6. Jeremy: Look, if you're gonna talk to me about car wrecks, you can stop right now.
Bob: What? What are you talking about?
Jeremy: You told me more people die in car wrecks each year than died in Vietnam.
Bob: I may have said that--
Jeremy: Not "may have." Did.

7. Melissa: They were scary, your letters.
Jeremy: They were scary 'cause I was scared.

8. Karen: (about Maurine) She's gonna have a nervous breakdown.
Jeremy: I know she wants one. I know she ain't gonna be happy 'til she has one.

9. Jeremy: I don't cheer when I just woke up.

10. Maurine: (about the Indians at the first Thanksgiving) I'm sure they were all Christians by then.
Jeremy: Oh no, they weren't.

Top 10 Quotes: "Shaun of the Dead"

This year marks the 10th anniversary of the zombie horror/comedy starring the dynamic British duo Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

1. Shaun: As Mr. Sloan always says, "There is no 'I' in 'team,' but there is an 'I' in 'pie.' And there's an 'I' in 'meat pie.' Anagram of meat is team...." I don't know what he's talking about.
2. Ed: Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?
3. Phillip: You've got red on you.
4. Pete (explaining who mugged him): Some crackheads or something. One of them bit me.
   Ed: Why'd they bite you?
   Pete: I don't know! I didn't stop to ask!
5. Shaun: If you get cornered, bash 'em in the head. That seems to work.
6. Liz: You hang out with my friends? Sorry, a failed actress and a twat.
   Shaun: Well, that's a bit harsh.
   Liz: Your words!
   Shaun: I did not call Dianne a failed actress!
7. Ed: You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those.
   Shaun: Yeah, well, it's Phillip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars Bar in the glovebox once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood.
8. Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, "The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation." I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.
   Liz: Was that on a beer mat?
9. Pete (after Ed and Shaun wake him up by blasting music): It's fucking Sunday! I've got to go to fucking work in 4 fucking hours 'cause every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I'm so fucking angry?
10. Ed (explaining why he thinks John the pub owner is in the Mafia): Think about it: gruff demeanor, handy with a blade, Bernie the trophy wife. He's connected. Why d'you think there's a rifle over the bar?
    Shaun: 'Cause the pub's called the Winchester.

Top 10 Quotes: "Dirty Dancing"

1. Baby: Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am. But most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.

2. Johnny: The steps aren't enough; feel the music.

3. Baby: We're supposed to do the show in two days. You still won't show me the lifts. I'm not sure of the turns. I'm doing all this to save your ass! What I really wanna do is drop you on it.

4. (Lisa is complaining about not bringing enough shoes on the trip)
Jake Houseman: This is not a tragedy. A tragedy is three men trapped in a mine or police dogs used in Birmingham.

5. Penny: Come on, ladies! God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want ya to shake 'em!

6. Billy: (at the staff party) Can you imagine dancing like this on the main floor, home of the family foxtrot?

7. Baby: (opening voiceover) That was the summer of 1963, when everybody called me Baby and it didn't occur to me to mind. That was before President Kennedy was shot, before The Beatles came, when I couldn't wait to join the Peace Corps, and I thought I'd never find a guy as great as my dad. That was the summer we went to Kellerman's.

8. Robbie: I didn't blow a summer hauling toasted bagels to bail out some little chick who probably balled every guy in the place...Some people count, some people don't. (takes a copy of The Fountainhead out of his jacket) Read it. I think it's a book you'll enjoy. But make sure you return it; I have notes in the margin.
Baby: You make me sick. Stay away from me, stay away from my sister, or I'll have you fired.

9. Penny: Remember, he's the boss on the dance floor, if nowhere else.

10. Johnny: Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

Top 10 Quotes: "21 Jump Street"

Posting this in honor of the sequel's release. NSFW language ahead. As always, let me know if I missed any in the comments.

1. Captain Dickson: Hey, hey! Stop fuckin' wit' Korean Jesus! He ain't got time for yo' problems! He's busy...with Korean shit.

2. Jenko: I really thought this job would have more explosions and car chases and less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.

3. Schmidt (as a bearded, long-haired One-Percenter jumps up and down on their car): It's ZZ Top! It's ZZ Top!

4. Tom Hanson: Do you have any idea how hard it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You wanna wear a fake nose on your fuckin' head for months on end? Glue and shit?
Schmidt: There are worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson: We had to get fuckin' tattoos on our dicks, man!
Doug Penhall: Actually, I just said that to mess with you.

5. Jenko: Forget those identities, they're bullshit. It says I was held back a year.
Schmidt: You were. You were held back 2 years.
Jenko: Just because it's a fake backstory doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.

6. Schmidt: Do you still not know the Miranda Rights? Dude, you're a cop.
Jenko: Come on, man. You know they always cut away on TV before they finish 'em.

7. Principal Dadier: Guys, I'm gonna relate to you, okay? A kid died the other day from drugs and nobody, including me, is doing anything about it. That's weird, guys. And then you two show up with 30 days left causing trouble in my school. I am one more gay black kid getting punched in the face away from a nervous breakdown.

8. (The nerds are trying to bug Eric's phone at the party and are also drunk for the first time)
Zack: Can we get some bitches up in here? 'Cause it's just boys right now.
Jenko (stunned/confused): No, you can't get any bitches up here!

9. Jenko: Chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?

10. Schmidt (after Jenko gets shot): You took a bullet for me, man.
Jenko: Yeah, I'm feelin' a little ambivalent about that right now.

Pats Nation: The Decision

I tend to overthink almost every decision I have to make, including trivial ones like which sports teams I'll follow. Granted, not all "my" teams; I found the Braves at the tender age of 9 and never looked back. Both my parents are diehard New Jersey Devils fans, so I never had much of a choice when it came to hockey. I'm still a proud member of the Devils Army, though, with a framed picture of Marty Brodeur on my bedroom wall to prove it.

Pro football is another story altogether. 5 days ago, I was left wondering yet again where to place my loyalties after a severe disappointment. I've thought long and hard about it and decided that I will be maintaining my citizenship in Pats Nation for the following reasons:

1. Family. I always say I'm Southern merely by accident of birth. My relatives are all from various places in the Northeast: Brooklyn, Massachusetts, upstate New York, and New Jersey. My favorite baseball team (Braves) and favorite college team (Gators) are from the Deep South, so this kind of balances things out.

2. Bill Belichick. I don't know why, but I've always had a thing about crotchety old coaches/managers. This is probably because the majority of my life as a Braves fan was during Bobby Cox's tenure as manger. He was just fun to watch; you never knew when he'd start ranting and raving at the umpires. He had a record-breaking number of ejections. Say what you will about Bobby; the man was passionate about his job and knew how to field a winning team. Although, personally, I think Bill should've taken a page out of Bobby's book and knocked down Brady's ego several pegs a long time ago.

3. Rob Gronkowski. No pun intended, but Gronk is my biggest reason for sticking around. I've always had a weakness for large, bearlike men and Gronk makes me swoon. I've watched and read several interviews with him and there's just something about his personality that I love; he reminds me of about 70% of my guy friends from college. Sure, he's made some questionable decisions this off-season, like riding roller coasters and slam-dancing while in a cast. But hey, at least he's not currently on trial for murder.

Watch the infamous "Yo soy fiesta" interview and tell me the big guy doesn't have a certain charm.

Party on, Gronk!

Top 10 Quotes: "National Lampoon's Vacation"

Next week, I'll be on vacation in the setting of a few of my favorite movies (Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, Just Visiting, and Backdraft): Chicago. In honor of that, here are the best quotes from the movie that started the Vacation franchise. NSFW language ahead.


1. Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're 10 hours from the fuckin' fun park and you wanna bail out. Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation; it's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun and I'm gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fuckin' fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" outta your assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!

2. Ellen: Oh, spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow, you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonald's, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud.

3. Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh, and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey, you can't prove that, Russ.

4. Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty is for animal cruelty in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well...it's probably pretty stiff.

5. Ellen: I hope at least you kids have learned something about life and death.
Audrey: Yeah, don't die unless somebody's home!

6. Rusty: That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp, Dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark: They used to, Rusty.

7. Ellen: (The family is lost in a bad neighborhood) Clark, this is so dangerous. We have no business being in an area like this.
Clark: Well, look at it this way, honey, this is a part of America we never get to see.
Ellen: That's good!
Clark: No, that's bad. I mean, we can't close our eyes to the plight of the cities. Kids, are you noticing all this plight?  This'll just make us appreciate what we have. (There's a gunshot somewhere near the car, followed by a scream) Roll 'em up!

8. Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do! I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you. I should've taken an airplane. And he...he shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be behind bars!
Ellen: Sit down and shut up! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!

9. Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area up there. And Moab, he layeth down by the band of the Canaanites. And yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you, give her...give her a break.
Ellen: Clark, this is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.
Ellen: Lord, we loved this woman with all our hearts--
Audrey: Let's not overdo it, Mom.

10. Clark: Pardon me. I wonder if you can tell me how to get back on the expressway.
Pimp: Fuck yo' mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.

Did I leave out your favorite? Let me know in the comments!

4 Days 'Til Christmas: Christmas Film Festival

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Time to finish shopping, wrapping the gifts, and getting the house ready to entertain friends and/or relatives. I've compiled this list of movies and TV specials to help get your guests into the holiday spirit.

• It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown! This one can be a little hard to find, but it's worth the effort. There are multiple plotlines in the special: Sally is cast as an angel in the Christmas pageant and worries that she'll forget her lines; she's also busy writing to Santa Claus. In the same pageant, Peppermint Patty is cast as sheep and jealous that Marcy gets to play Mary. Charlie Brown is in search of the perfect gift for the little redheaded girl.
• A Muppet Christmas Carol. Watching this movie on Christmas Eve has been a family tradition since I was a very little girl. It's still great to watch as an adult. The Muppets' wit, charm, and signature musical numbers put a fun spin on Charles Dickens' classic tale. Michael Caine absolutely steals the show with his portrayal of Scrooge.
• "Santa's Village of the Damned." This was the first Christmas-themed episode of Two and a Half Men. Alan is dating a charming woman with Martha Stewart-esque cooking and decorating abilities. Charlie tries to warn Alan that she's too clingy, but Alan doesn't listen. Next thing you know, Alan's girlfriend has moved into Charlie's house and buried the interior in Christmas figurines.
• Home Alone. No Child Left Behind...unless you're the McCallisters. They accidentally leave their youngest son, 8-year-old Kevin, in Chicago when they leave for a Christmas vacation in Paris. Little do the parents know, the neighborhood is being targeted by a pair of burglars known as the Wet Bandits. Now it's up to Kevin to defend his home. It's not quite Christmas Eve if my family and I don't watch this one.
• Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It's rare for a sequel to top the original, but this one does. Due to a mix-up at the airport, Kevin boards a plane to New York City while the rest of his family is on a flight to Florida. But don't be too worried. Kevin is resourceful and finds a way to make the best of the situation. I love this movie even more since I've seen the splendor of New York City's Christmas decorations with my own eyes.
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The 1960's animated version, not the live-action atrocity with Jim Carrey. It narrates Dr. Seuss's classic story with a few songs thrown in. Fun Fact: Thurl Ravenscroft, who sings "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch", also was the original voice of Frosted Flakes mascot Tony the Tiger. 
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Again, I refer to the 1960's version. Yes, the technology is primitive by today's standards and I admit that some of the critters are a little freaky looking. But when  all is said and done, Rudolph is all about being proud of who you are and not letting teasing stop you from reaching your full potential. It's like a Christmas version of The Karate Kid. 
• Lethal Weapon. I know this isn't technically a Christmas movie, but try telling my local TV stations that. One of them has been showing it in constant rotation all month. I think the station should throw in Don Johnson's Dead-Bang and the original Die Hard while they're at it for a Christmas action movie trifecta.
• National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. If you think your family's Christmases are disastrous, you'll feel a lot better after seeing what happens to the Griswolds. The Christmas tree is too big for the living room. Cousin Eddie shows up and so does senile Aunt Bethany.
• The Ref. A cat burglar played by Denis Leary is on the run from the law after breaking into a house on Christmas Eve. To escape detection, he kidnaps married couple Caroline and Lloyd and ends up holding them hostage in their home. Little does he know, Lloyd and Caroline have just left their marriage counselor's office and are on the verge of divorce. Hilarity ensues as he tries to maintain his sanity. This is my favorite black comedy. Warning: Do not watch with anyone under the age of 14.

Best Military Movies

6. Windtalkers (2002). Branch Represented: Marines
This movie is based on the true story of WWII's "windtalkers," Marines of Navajo descent who used their native language to send coded radio messages on the battlefield. Nicolas Cage and Christian Slater play Marines who are tasked with defending the windtalkers with their lives. I enjoyed this movie, although I felt Christian's character was too similar to the one he played in Young Guns II.
Quote: "This is no democracy. This is the Marines."

5. The War At Home (1996). Branch Represented: Army
Emilio Estevez wrote, directed, and starred in this drama about 20-something Vietnam War veteran Jeremy Collier. Following 2 tours of duty overseas, Jeremy returns to small-town Texas to live with his parents and younger sister. The movie depicts Jeremy's struggles to re-adjust to civilian life while his family tries to cope with drastic changes in Jeremy's personality. It's a powerful reminder of the unseen scars that millions of American veterans live with.
Quote: "The final battle of Vietnam was fought along an unrecognized front, far from the shellings and the smell of napalm and the sound of planes and guns. It was a battle my brother Jeremy fought when he came back."


4. The Guardian (2006). Branch Represented: Coast Guard
Ben Randall (Kevin Costner) is among the Coast Guard's elite: a decorated rescue swimmer and a legend in his own time. One night, a rescue mission goes horribly awry; a helicopter crash results in the deaths of the entire crew, including Ben's closest friend. Faced with no other option but forced retirement, Ben reluctantly becomes an instructor at "A" School, the starting point for all rescue swimmers. He butts heads with a cocky recruit named Fischer and attempts to teach him what the title really means: "These things we do so that others may live." Be sure to have tissues for the ending.
Quote: "I don't care who you are, where you're from, or where you're going. I care about one thing and one thing only and that is the future victims you'll have to save."

3. A Few Good Men (1992). Branches Represented: Navy and Marines
At the Marine Corps base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, Private Willy Santiago is found dead in his barracks. Two Marines in his unit are the prime suspects; both are arrested and charged with Willy's murder. Navy JAG lawyers, Daniel Kaffee and JoAnne "Jo" Galloway, are assigned to their defense.
Quote: "I eat breakfast 300 yards from 4,000 Cubans trained to kill me."

2. Uncommon Valor (1983). Branch Represented: Marines
Colonel Cal Rhodes' (Gene Hackman) world was shattered when news came home that his son had been taken as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. Even as years pass with no word, he never loses hope that he will see his son alive again. The government declares it will no longer be searching for still-missing P.O.W.s, so Cal assembles his own team of Marines, all but one of whom served in Vietnam. They go to Saigon on a dangerous mission to liberate a camp in the Vietnamese jungle. This movie features an outstanding early performance by Patrick Swayze. It's equal parts action-packed, humorous, and genuinely moving.
Quote: "Most human problems can be solved by an appropriate charge of high explosives."

1. Platoon (1986). Branch Represented: Army
This is rightly regarded as one of the best war movies ever made and received an Oscar for Best Picture. The cast reads like a current who's-who of Hollywood: Willem Dafoe, Charlie Sheen, Johnny Depp, and Forrest Whitaker. Platoon takes us into an Army infantry unit known as Tropic Lightning during the Vietnam War; its story is told through the eyes of its newest member: Private Chris Taylor. A shocking incident in a village divides the men into what Chris calls "a Civil War in the platoon." Things only go further downhill from there.
Quote: "They come from the end of the line, most of 'em. Small towns you never heard of: Pulaski, Tennessee; Pork Bend, Utah; Wampum, Pennsylvania. Two years of high school's about it. Maybe if they're lucky, a job waitin' for 'em back in a factory. But most of 'em got nothin'. They're the poor, they're the unwanted, and yet they're fighting for our society and our freedom."

Songs I Heard Too Young

Though I'm only 22, I recognize more classic rock songs than modern ones. My parents almost always listened to our local classic rock stations whenever we went anywhere in the car and I quickly developed a love for the genre.

It's only in recent years that I've realized how many dark/sexual messages I was exposed to that I didn't really understand. I have great parents, but sometimes I wonder what they were thinking. Here are some songs that sparked funny and fond childhood memories:

• "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith. I was in first grade when this song was in heavy rotation. Because of the "hey-diddle-diddle" chorus, I thought it was a nursery rhyme. I wound up getting busted for singing it on the school playground.
• "Lady Marmalade" by Patti Labelle. I thought it was sophisticated because of the French lyrics. I could pronounce them all pretty well for a six-year-old. My maternal grandmother was French-Canadian, spent 3 years living in Quebec, and could speak French. I decided to impress her by singing it one afternoon. Needless to say, she was horrified, but she refused to tell me what the French words meant.
• "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel. I became a Billy Joel fan after seeing the Disney movie Oliver & Company (he was the voice of Dodger). I went to Catholic school for second grade, so I was put under strict orders not to sing it in public. What made it an even bigger no-no is that I live in the South, where Catholics aren't too popular to begin with.
• "Ramblin' Man" by The Allman Brothers Band. Is there anything more adorable than a freckle-faced 8-year-old girl singing about a man being killed over a gambling debt, babies being born on Greyhound buses, and womanizing? I don't think so.
• "Hotel California" by The Eagles. Not sure how I old I was, probably elementary school. I'd go into like a trance whenever this song came on the radio. When I couldn't sleep, I'd slip out of my room, take my parents' Eagles album, and put it in my Fisher-Price tape player. It and "Desperado" were my lullabies.
• "In the Ghetto" by Elvis Presley. I was about 7 and taking a dance class. Everyone got to pick a song to perform an interpretative dance to during the last class and that was our recital. I was listening to Elvis with my grandma one afternoon and when the tape got to this song, I said, "This is my dance song." She tried to convince me to pick one of my favorite Disney songs instead, but I was a stubborn little kid. When it was my turn on recital day, I stood up and proudly danced my routine. Pretty much everyone thought I was nuts.
• "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. Pretty much self-explanatory.
  
• "Fat-Bottomed Girls" by Queen. Or as I like to call it: the original "Baby Got Back." When I was little, my mom would turn off the radio every time this song came on. I would cry because the opening guitar riff sounds a lot like the one for Elton John's version of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King." I now understand she didn't want me asking questions about the implied pedophilia in the first verse.
• "Renegade" by Styx. This was my favorite song for several months when I was in about first grade. I'd wear my dollar-store cowboy hat, go to whatever room my family was in, and put on this "concert" for them. The other songs in my set were "Midnight Rider" and "Ramblin' Man."
• "Centerfold" by J Geils Band. While Riverdance was popular, I used to love copying their moves and I thought this song sounded Irish. If I wasn't in the car when this song played, I'd dance the Highland Fling to it. My mom caught me one day; I didn't know why she was so upset. A couple years later, in 5th grade, she sat me down and explained what the song was about. It's a miracle I can listen to it now without feeling embarrassed.
•  "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC. Ah, the interesting discussions this song produced. "Mommy, why would people wear shoes made of concrete? And what's cyanide?" I remember hearing the word "neckties" as a small child and thinking, "Why are they singing about getting dressed up?" I was in middle school when I finally figured out it was about murder-for-hire.