Top 10 Quotes: "National Lampoon's Vacation"

Next week, I'll be on vacation in the setting of a few of my favorite movies (Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, Just Visiting, and Backdraft): Chicago. In honor of that, here are the best quotes from the movie that started the Vacation franchise. NSFW language ahead.


1. Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're 10 hours from the fuckin' fun park and you wanna bail out. Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation; it's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun and I'm gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fuckin' fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" outta your assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!

2. Ellen: Oh, spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow, you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonald's, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud.

3. Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh, and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey, you can't prove that, Russ.

4. Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty is for animal cruelty in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well...it's probably pretty stiff.

5. Ellen: I hope at least you kids have learned something about life and death.
Audrey: Yeah, don't die unless somebody's home!

6. Rusty: That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp, Dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark: They used to, Rusty.

7. Ellen: (The family is lost in a bad neighborhood) Clark, this is so dangerous. We have no business being in an area like this.
Clark: Well, look at it this way, honey, this is a part of America we never get to see.
Ellen: That's good!
Clark: No, that's bad. I mean, we can't close our eyes to the plight of the cities. Kids, are you noticing all this plight?  This'll just make us appreciate what we have. (There's a gunshot somewhere near the car, followed by a scream) Roll 'em up!

8. Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do! I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you. I should've taken an airplane. And he...he shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be behind bars!
Ellen: Sit down and shut up! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!

9. Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area up there. And Moab, he layeth down by the band of the Canaanites. And yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you, give her...give her a break.
Ellen: Clark, this is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.
Ellen: Lord, we loved this woman with all our hearts--
Audrey: Let's not overdo it, Mom.

10. Clark: Pardon me. I wonder if you can tell me how to get back on the expressway.
Pimp: Fuck yo' mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.

Did I leave out your favorite? Let me know in the comments!

Tebow Time in New England: A Football Fan's Reflection

Two days ago, I heard that Tim Tebow has finally found a team after being cut by the Jets in April. I'm really happy for him because I think he's a talented player who's gotten a pretty raw deal in the NFL. His bouncing around kind of reminds me of myself. In college, I had to try out an assortment of clubs and activities before I found where I fit in. And I too have had commitment issues when it comes to NFL teams.

Living in a state that has no professional football team (or pro teams of any kind) has its perks; you aren't a leper if you don't root for the home team (that's reserved for college sports). When I was very young (around 4-5 years old), I had a set of 49ers pajamas. By the time I was in 3rd grade, Brett Favre had come along. That meant a Packers jersey and sweatsuit. I've been a baseball and hockey fan for most of my life and those became my passions after Brett retired from the Packers.

When I was in high school, I discovered my favorite college team: the Florida Gators. I'm not especially religious, but I developed an immediate fondness for their quarterback Tim Tebow. He stands up for his beliefs and seems like a genuinely nice guy (not to mention he's pretty cute). I followed his career closely and adopted the Broncos as my favorite team when he was drafted into the NFL.

When the Broncos decided to replace him with Peyton "career-ending, life-altering neck injury imminent" Manning, I took my loyalties to the New York Jets. My parents grew up about an hour from the Jets' home base of East Rutherford, so I had kind of an attachment to them anyway. Rex Ryan also coached football for a season at my alma mater. However, Mark Sanchez's ineptitude and Rex's stubborn refusal to bench him ground away at my nerves. Passing Tebow over in favor of the even-worse-than-Sanchez third-string QB was an insult to the first sophomore to win a Heisman. I severed ties with them when he was released.

And now Tebow has found his way onto the New England Patriots' roster. As glad as I am that there's a head coach that appreciates what he has to offer, I still have mixed feelings. New England was the last place I expected (or wanted) him to end up. Something about Tom Brady has always rubbed me the wrong way. I think it's either his smug "I'm God's gift to football and women" attitude reinforced by his Victoria's Secret model wife, his bizarre metrosexual fashion choices (Uggs? Really?), or both.

My best friend is from Massachusetts and is a lifelong, diehard Pats fan. His reaction to the Tebow decision was one word: "yuck." We gave each other all kinds of crap over our respective favorite teams last season. He finds it hysterical that I'm now having to trade in my hunter green and white for blue, silver, red, and white.

Regardless of my feelings about Brady, I'm still excited about the upcoming season. Tebow helped turn the underperforming Broncos around and led them to the playoffs in the 2011-2012 season. He probably could've done the same for the Jets if the upper management staff hadn't just been using his name to sell tickets, something they've basically admitted to doing. And don't get me started on Rex Ryan's mismanagement. Imagine what Tebow could do for a team that's already good.

Fire SUV

Now for some classic fire service humor

Man Pregnant With a Dinosaur

I just spent the weekend at Kentucky's annual State Fire School taking a required refresher course for my EMT certification. Sitting there in the classroom, I thought back to an interesting behavioral call I saw on an episode of Vegas Strip. 

Sir, all due respect, I think you were smoking something other than cigarettes.

Guest Review: "Boondock Saints"

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Irish-Catholic Americans could be offended by this movie.

The twins, Connor and Murphy MacManus, attend Mass celebrating Saint Patrick's Day. Next, they celebrate with alcoholic spirits at the neighborhood pub. At the pub, Murphy and Connor end up defending their favorite bar and bar owner from three Russian gangsters. Two of the attackers end up being killed the next morning while the brothers are defending themselves.

FBI agent Paul Smecker, played by Willem Dafoe, determines that the Russians' deaths were not a professional hit. In the meantime, the brothers turn themselves in at the local police station and are hailed as heroes by reporters. Connor and Murphy decide to avoid further media attention by camping out in a jail cell overnight. While in jail, the brothers have a holy visitation. God tells them to hunt down wicked men so the just can thrive. Presumably, God will direct them to those who must receive divine retribution. And we thought being cast into hell was the province of God and angels.

Connor learns there is to be a meeting of Russian syndicate bosses at a Boston hotel; he gets this information from a pager recovered from one of the dead Russians. The brothers recite their family prayer and kill each mobster. They place coins on the Russians' cold dead eyes, presumably to pay their toll to cross the River Styx. The twins' friend and mob errand boy Rocco joins them in their mission after finding out that the mobster he is so loyal to has been using him.

Next, Connor, Murphy, and Rocco hunt down Vincenzo Rapazzi of the Yakavetta crime scene. "Papa Joe" Yakavetta is the mob boss Rocco works for; his henchman Vincenzo played a big role in Rocco's betrayal. After more killings, Papa Joe contacts a hitman known only as Il Duce to kill the vigilantes.

Murphy, Connor, and Rocco are eventually caught breaking into Papa Joe's house. The three are locked in the basement. Papa Joe shoots and kills Rocco. The brothers escape their chains and say the family prayer over Rocco's body. Their backs are to Il Duce, who recites the prayer with the brothers, and it becomes clear that the twins are Il Duce's sons. Dear old Da joins the boys on their mission to eradicate wrongdoers. Agent Smecker has become the twins' ally because he's come to understand their calling. The MacManus family boldly kills Papa Joe in the courtroom during his trial.

The Boston media dubs the three "The Saints." We as the audience are left to ponder this question: Were The Saints ultimately good or evil?

Guest Review: "The Arrival"

Charlie Sheen felt himself being sucked into this project by the vortex of the Heidi Fleiss scandal. He was trying to distract his loyal fan base from his addiction to illicit drugs and prostitutes, so he chose this unfathomable story in which he is cast as an astrophysicist. He knew it wouldn’t be a hit; he was in need of money. His brother Emilio Estevez appears to have been the perfect son, so Charlie had to make his mark somewhere. He accidentally scored with, like, 5 good movies to finance his more…artistically edgy choices.

Charlie’s boss at the university turns on him when Charlie announces that he has intercepted signals from intelligent life in outer space. (We eventually find out his boss is one of THEM!). Charlie is fired and splits for Mexico with his girlfriend, who thinks Charlie is paranoid (no kidding). Charlie is headed south of the border because he’s following the signals from his home laboratory, which are guiding him in the direction of the aliens. He arrives during the Day of the Dead celebration, setting a spooky tone for the rest of the movie.

Some loose ends are never completely woven into the story. For example, there didn’t seem to be a point to the character of the old Mexican man who walked his skeleton marionette around the streets. There was a puzzling scene involving scorpions and the death of a female professor who had been hitting heavily on Charlie.

Another character worth mentioning is Kiki, a young black boy who lives with his grandmother in the same neighborhood as Charlie. He ended up crossing the border with Charlie and his girlfriend, but didn’t feel like he had to tell his grandmother that he was leaving the country for an indefinite amount of time with a neighbor they barely knew. These days, the whole pedophile thing is pretty much out in the open. So would you let your grandson visit a bachelor in his sci-fi workshop and never check up on him?

Charlie, ya gotta start reading the scripts before you agree to do the movie. The talent is there, as we’ve seen from your handful of hits; consistency can be achieved! Learn to read. Pay someone to read the scripts to you! Most of all, listen to that little voice inside that is screaming: “NOOOOOO!”

The departure doesn't come soon enough!

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"The Boondock Saints"

In honor of Saint Patrick's Day, I'm reviewing my favorite Irish-themed movie.

The main characters in this 1999 cult classic are Irish-Catholic fraternal twin brothers living in Boston named Connor and Murphy MacManus. The action begins on Saint Patrick's Day. Connor and Murphy, fresh from morning Mass and a shift at the local meat-packing plant, are drinking in their favorite bar when a couple of hulking thugs come in and tell everyone to leave. The Russian Mafia has moved into the neighborhood, taken control of the pub, and refused to renew the owner's lease.

The Russian street soldiers learn a very valuable lesson: Never mess with an Irish bar, especially not on Saint Patrick's Day. The MacManus brothers, their Italian friend Rocco, and a bunch of other bar patrons mercilessly beat up the Russians. The next morning, the Russians are found dead in an alley. The Boston police arrive on the scene and call in an FBI agent named Smecker, who works in the organized crime division.

Smecker quickly reveals that "eccentric" is not nearly a strong enough word to describe his personality and just as quickly assesses the crime scene. He says this was no mob hit; it looks too personal. He follows a handful of clues to the 5th floor of a warehouse that's been converted into illegal loft housing. It just so happens that the occupants of this loft are Connor and Murphy, which makes them prime suspects.

Back at the station house, Smecker is furious because someone involved in the investigation leaked information to the press. The homicide detectives are beginning to think catching the Russians' killer or killers will be next to impossible. Suddenly, the MacManus twins appear in the squadroom. They're covered in blood, bruised, and wearing nothing but boots, underwear, and shabby bathrobes.

Over coffee and doughnuts in the interrogation room, Connor and Murphy explain about the bar brawl. Somehow, the now-dead Russians figured out where the brothers lived and came looking for revenge. They handcuffed Connor to the toilet and dragged Murphy outside, intending to shoot him in the head and throw his body in the dumpster. But Connor managed to break free and the brothers sent the Russians to their doom. 

Connor tells Smecker he only killed the Russians to save his twin's life. Smecker doesn't push for charges to be filed because the confession, when coupled with the rest of the evidence, points to a textbook case of self-defense. An article on the MacManus v. Russian Mafia case appears in the next day's newspaper; the writer has dubbed the twins "The Saints of South Boston."

More Mafiosos begin to turn up murdered. Smecker knows Connor and Murphy are responsible for these deaths. He believes they're doing the right thing in ridding the city of filth, yet he is duty-bound to uphold the law; he must hunt the brothers down and put an end to the killings.

The movie has a typical shoot-'em-up action plot, but it also deals with complex themes and issues such as the true nature of evil, media sensationalism of crime, the definition of justice itself, and vigilantism. The deeper issues are not forcefully crammed down the audience's throat, but rather conveyed in an almost passive manner. It doesn't tell you whether to think of Connor and Murphy as heroes or villains; that's something you have to decide for yourself.

Symbolism plays a big role in this movie, particularly religious symbolism. If you are Catholic or just know quite a bit about Catholicism, you might enjoy the movie more. There are subtle touches that you might not be able to pick up on or understand if Catholicism is a complete mystery to you.

I really enjoyed the movie. All the actors performed solidly in their roles, especially Sean Patrick Flanery as Connor. Sean was born in Louisiana and raised in Texas, but he executes a flawless Irish accent that never wavers. The characters were compelling. The script offered an interesting new take on the archetypes of outlaw folk heroes and "avenging angels." 

However, this isn't a movie for everyone. It's violent and bloody with no shortage of foul language. Catholics may be offended by some of the depictions of Catholicism. Whether or not you like the movie, your reaction to it will be strong. Rare is the action movie that makes you think. The Boondock Saints will and it accomplishes the task with plenty of excitement and style. 

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