"The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"

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Or as I call it: "That terrible Western with Brad Pitt." The title itself is the first of many things wrong with this movie; it's too freakin' long. I’m amazed that they were able to cram it all onto the DVD case. It also takes away any real reason to watch the movie by telling you from the start: “Jesse James dies. Robert Ford killed him.” I know that people do know how certain movies like this will end (Titanic and Zero Dark Thirty come to mind), but this story isn't nearly as well-known.

The movie’s running time is about 3 hours. That wouldn’t have been so bad if the director had made any effort to make the movie somewhat entertaining. The characters are forgettable and the story goes in too many different directions.

The movie took itself far too seriously; others have dealt with Wild West-era outlaws in a far better fashion. Young Guns and its sequel Young Guns II are perfect examples. Screenwriter John Fusco did a terrific job of making Billy the Kid and his gang of Regulators into people that we as the audience could root for. It had action and humor, but had its serious moments and was honestly somewhat historically accurate. Judging by the finished product and the DVD commentary, the cast had a lot of fun making the movie. By comparison, every actor in Jesse James looked bored to death the entire time.

The movie’s worst offender as far as wooden performances goes was Brad Pitt. He sucked even more than he did in Interview With the Vampire; at least that time, he had Tom Cruise to back him by sucking even worse. Speaking of Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, is it somewhere in their contracts that every other movie they star in must have homoerotic overtones? Top Gun and Interview With the Vampire, I’m looking at you.

The homosexual subtext in Jesse James feels terribly awkward and out of place. It is often hard to tell whether Robert Ford is obsessed with Jesse Jame’s legend (much like Tommy O’Folliard and Billy the Kid’s relationship in Young Guns II) or if he’s actually obsessed and in love with Jesse James himself.

There was a particular scene that really bothered me in this regard. Robert was staying with the James clan and wandered into Jesse’s bedroom. In a voiceover, he describes how he admired the suits in Jesse’s closet and drank from the water glass Jesse had left on the vanity. Get ready for this; Robert also “smelled the aroma of talc and lilac on Jesse’s pillowcases.” We’re treated to the visual of Robert rolling on the bed, rubbing his cheek again the bedding.

Casey Affleck plays Robert Ford as a very whiny, annoying, and creepy character. If the real Robert acted that way, he’s extremely lucky that Jesse didn’t put a bullet in his head within a few days of knowing him. According to imdb.com, Casey Affleck’s portrayal of Robert Ford earned him an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor. Further proof that all Oscar judges care about these days is how artsy and pretentious a film is rather than if the actors actually do a good job in their roles.

I cannot emphasize enough that if you watch this movie, you are merely an observer. Nothing draws you in or makes you care about any of the characters. The movie feels like a dry, heartless documentary produced for PBS. In fact, they should have sent the movie straight to public television rather than ripping off those who went to see in theaters and/or rented the DVD.

Name That Quote #2 Answers

1. "I think you're so blinded by inconsolable rage that you don't care who you hurt. When you can't tell your friends from your enemies, it's time to go."-Casino Royale
2. "Oh, this is Hill Valley, although I can't imagine hell being much worse."-Back to the Future: Part II
3. "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster."-Goodfellas
4. "No one will go near it. People think it's 'aunted. And who's to say they're wrong? You see, years ago, somethin 'appened up there. Somefin not very nice."-Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
5. "I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose!"-National Lampoon's Vacation
6. "I don't bend over. It's too hard to stand straight again."-Mobsters
7. "Does Aunt Ginny have barn? Maybe we could have the trial there. I can sew the costumes and maybe his Uncle Goober can be the judge."-A Few Good Men
8. "You could kick the shit outta me in a fair fight; I know that. You're a little faster 'n me, strong enough. But I'm always gonna win. See, you fight schoolyard rules. Every time I lay down, you're done. Me, I fight 'til I'm dead...or the other guy is."-Lone Hero
9. "What is my goal? To make you a happy, well-adjusted gangster?"-Analyze This
10. "Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am. And most of all, I'm afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."-Dirty Dancing
11. "Comin' up is Diehard Night. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant."-Major League
12. "I got a judge just achin' to throw me in jail, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in 5 days. I got no money, a dress code problem. And a little murder case, which in the balance holds the lives of 2 innocent kids."-My Cousin Vinny
13. "Are you a Mexi-can or a Mexi-can't?"-Once Upon a Time In Mexico
14. "Oh, I have my dark days. I suppose that everybody does. The difference is that most people don't kill their husbands with an ax."-Shutter Island
15. "When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only 2 things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home."-The Outsiders
16. "There are several sacred things in this world that you don't ever mess with. One of them happens to be another man's fries. You remember that and you'll live a long and healthy life."-Men at Work
17. "You m-m-m-make me happy."-Tropic Thunder
18. "I'm not complaining. How am I complaining? When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at 3 in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?"-Sherlock Holmes
19. "I'll make you famous!"-Young Guns II
20. "No, I'm not okay. I've just been violated by a barnyard animal."-Shanghai Noon

Name That Quote #2

This new interactive feature for my blog didn't work so well the first time I tried it. Gonna try again to see if I get responses. Listed below are random quotes from 20 different movies. Comment with your guesses. Answers will be posted a week from today! Good luck!

1. "I think you're so blinded by inconsolable rage that you don't care who you hurt. When you can't tell your friends from your enemies, it's time to go."
2. "Oh, this is Hill Valley, although I can't imagine hell being much worse."
3. "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster."
4. "No one will go near it. People think it's 'aunted. And who's to say they're wrong? You see, years ago, somethin 'appened up there. Somefin not very nice."
5. "I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose!"
6. "I don't bend over. It's too hard to stand straight again."
7. "Does Aunt Ginny have barn? Maybe we could have the trial there. I can sew the costumes and maybe his Uncle Goober can be the judge."
8. "You could kick the shit outta me in a fair fight; I know that. You're a little faster 'n me, strong enough. But I'm always gonna win. See, you fight schoolyard rules. Every time I lay down, you're done. Me, I fight 'til I'm dead...or the other guy is."
9. "What is my goal? To make you a happy, well-adjusted gangster?"
10. "Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am. And most of all, I'm afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."
11. "Comin' up is Diehard Night. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant."
12. "I got a judge just achin' to throw me in jail, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in 5 days. I got no money, a dress code problem. And a little murder case, which in the balance holds the lives of 2 innocent kids."
13. "Are you a Mexi-can or a Mexi-can't?"
14. "Oh, I have my dark days. I suppose that everybody does. The difference is that most people don't kill their husbands with an ax."
15. "When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only 2 things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home."
16. "There are several sacred things in this world that you don't ever mess with. One of them happens to be another man's fries. You remember that and you'll live a long and healthy life."
17. "You m-m-m-make me happy."
18. "I'm not complaining. How am I complaining? When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at 3 in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?"
19. "I'll make you famous!"
20. "No, I'm not okay. I've just been violated by a barnyard animal."

"Gangster Squad"

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To paraphrase the most famous line from Goodfellas: "Almost as far back as I can remember, I was always fascinated with gangsters." I think it started when I was about 7 or 8 and saw a special on the Discovery Channel about Alcatraz, which featured interviews of former inmates and guards. It was how I was introduced to the names Machine Gun Kelly, Al Capone, and Alvin "Creepy" Karpis. I bought a kids' book on the infamous 1960's escape attempt with my allowance and read everything else I could get my hands on.

The interest carried over into my teenage years and adulthood. High school friends would exchange odd looks as I read novels like The Last Don over lunch period. Two of my top-10 movies are The Godfather and Goodfellas. I harbor no romantic illusions about the Mafia lifestyle, having heard some brutal stories from my born-and-bred-in-New Jersey parents and grandparents. The point of this tangent is I was immediately sucked in when I saw the trailer for Gangster Squad and knew I had to see it opening weekend.

The movie was inspired by the true story of the efforts exerted by the Los Angeles Police Department to eradicate mobsters' influence from the city in the 1940's and 1950's. Chicago and New York had almost been brought to their knees during Prohibition and the Great Depression. Los Angeles's neighbor to the east, Las Vegas, was becoming Bugsy Siegel's empire.

In 1949, L.A.'s biggest organized-crime threat is Jewish gangster Mickey Cohen (Sean Penn). The opening scene involves WWII veteran Detective O'Mara (Josh Brolin) raiding a motel that Mickey Cohen has turned into a brothel; many of the women are being held there against their will and had been lured to the place with promises of Hollywood screen tests. O'Mara conducts the raid despite local understanding that Mickey isn't to be touched.

The police chief, tired of the gangland violence and political corruption, calls O'Mara into his office. The chief wants O'Mara to put together a secret squad, which will be allowed to terminate the Mafiosos and their businesses with extreme prejudice. The detectives won't carry badges while they do this since it's not strictly on the up-and-up. The chief is extremely aware that this could cost everyone involved their jobs.

With the help of his pregnant wife, O'Mara recruits a motley crew of L.A.'s finest. Max Kennard (Robert Patrick) aka "Hop-Along" is a grizzled, Wild West-style lawman. Hop-Along brings with him a rookie named Navidad Ramirez (Michael Pena). Jerry Wooter (Ryan Gosling) is a WWII fighter pilot and something of a functioning alcoholic. Coleman Harris (Anthony Mackie) is a beat cop brought in from a mostly black section of Los Angeles. Conway Keeler (Giovanni Ribisi), former Army intelligence circa WWII, is a family man who does most of the squad's work behind the scenes.

After some target practice in the desert, the guys suit up to take on Mickey Cohen and his crew. Jerry gets himself into trouble almost right away by bedding Grace (Emma Stone). For all intents and purposes, she's Mickey's moll. Mickey learns of the tryst and vows to find whoever dared to touch Grace. Jerry isn't the only one with off-the-clock issues. Hop-Along is staring down his impending retirement (forced or otherwise). O'Mara doesn't like being away from his wife for extended periods when she's on the verge of giving birth.

Having only seen him in Remember the Titans, I wasn't optimistic about Ryan Gosling's ability to pull off playing the rogue cop/action hero. I snickered at the early scenes involving his hard-drinking and perpetually horny character. However, as the movie wore on, I had to admit that he has some serious talent. Jerry's cool, street-smart demeanor makes for an interesting contrast when paired with Ryan Gosling's boyish good looks.

And Sean Penn as Mickey Cohen, holy hell, his name needs to go on the Oscar ballot for this. Mickey is terrifying to watch in just about every scene. His temper is volatile and he used to be a boxer. So even though Mickey has "associates" to do his dirty work for him, he's not above landing a few punches to get a point across. Everything he does is coldly calculated; he hasn't survived this long in organized crime by being stupid.

Gangster Squad is a great addition to the Mafia genre, on par with Martin Scorsese's body of work. There aren't nearly as many "F" bombs in this movie as, say, Goodfellas. The trade-off for this movie is that the violence is more graphic, if you can believe that. I'm not squeamish by any means, but there were a lot of scenes that made me wince; the worst involved coyotes and the Hollywood sign. (Must be seen to be believed). I highly recommend this for my fellow fans of gangster movies and anyone who enjoys action movies.

"Because We Can" by Bon Jovi

Been waiting for this single to come out for a long time. I'm relieved that it's lived up to the advertisement that the band is going back to its rock roots. I've found their country-fied sound to be grating and intolerable. This makes me even more excited for March; my dad got me tickets to Bon Jovi's concert at a local venue for Christmas.

Guest Review: "The Breakfast Club"

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It would be difficult to say whether detention changed Claire, Brian, Allison, Andy, and John. The first thing we are force-fed through the costuming as well as the script is that these students represent different strata in their high school's social order, sort of a microcosm of the real world. The nerd looked like a nerd, the jock looked like a football player, and the prep looked like a prep. It mystifies me that this was a film of wide acclaim and furthermore, that it has survived several decades.

This was an early movie for Emilio Estevez (who played Andy) and we got to see how many different expressive faces he could pull off. We also saw the start of his tradition of playing characters that are leaders. Andy was interested in what the others were "in for" and insisted they all get along.

Molly Ringwald, who played Claire, was so bored that she did a makeover with Goth girl Allison. Goth girl Allison consented and both girls were wildly excited about the outcome. I was convinced that Allison looked better, but not so convinced that Claire would've been so happy to play second fiddle to the weird girl...especially since Allison expressed interest in Andy the jock.

John Bender, the criminal dude, had no redeeming qualities at all. He was just throwing away his life and blaming everyone but himself for his problems. True, the deck was stacked against him, but the nerd and all the others had issues to overcome too.

The nerd Brian was the opposite of his father Carl the school janitor. Brian was ashamed of his father's occupation, but Carl seemed content with it.

The characters find themselves in detention together for an all-day Saturday "retreat." They are asked by Principal Vernon to write an essay on who they think they are. Between dancing, singing, pranks, and lunch, there wasn't much time to do the essay.

Andy and Allison had the most bizarre lunches. Andy had a full grocery sack and seemingly ate most of the contents. Allison's weirdness emerged in the form of a white bread, Pixie Stix, and Captain Crunch sandwich. Her discarded, gently tossed bologna landed on a statue the library was decorated with. The others ate in a somewhat normal fashion.

Lunch was where this diverse group started to come together. By afternoon's end, the group of high school students, diverse as they are, have drawn us into the age-old trap: "We'd all get along so much better if we would just get to know each other and give love a chance."

The Breakfast Club is cheesy, predictable, and saved by that talented guy Emilio Estevez. He rises above the less-than-inspired script and pulls the whole cast up with him. I didn't appreciate Emilio's talent or his position as a comeback-kid until I saw The Breakfast Club. Then I knew this guy is more brilliant than anyone has given him credit for. If he can take us there, he can take us anywhere.

2 Days 'Til Christmas: Most Memorable Gifts

I know it's better to give than to receive, but I have so many great memories from Christmases past. Some of these are heartwarming; others are just downright funny. Listed them as best as I can remember.

• Being 3 was an interesting year. About half my gifts had something to do with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the other half were Beauty & the Beast. What can I say? I've always had eclectic taste. This Christmas is on home video and upon opening every package, I cried, "Just what I've always wanted!" For months afterward, my favorite place to hang out was my play tent that looked like the castle from Beauty & the Beast. It's a miracle I didn't wear out the VHS of Ninja Turtle episodes I got.
• My late grandmother, God rest her soul, always loved to watch figure skating on TV. Her absolute favorite female skater of all time was Michelle Kwan. When I was 4, she got me a pair of white figure skates, maybe thinking I'd be twirling out on the ice one day.
  While Mom and her visiting best friend went to post-Christmas sales, Dad babysat me along with his youngest brother (who was dating my mom's best friend at the time). They saw no problem with letting me stay up to watch ER with them. At some point in the episode, a 5-year-old girl with blond hair and blue eyes was brought to the hospital screaming in pain; her parents explained she fell down ice skating and broke her arm.
  I fit the little girl's description and was traumatized, figuring the same fate would await me. I mysteriously felt bad whenever Mom wanted to take me to the rink and the little white skates were eventually given to Goodwill. I didn't tell Mom about the ER episode until about 10 years later and I remained so terrified of ice skating that I never tried it until I was 20.
• My mom's best friend and her boyfriend used to visit for a few days after Christmas. They were into motorcycles and my Christmas gifts from them always included Harley-Davidson T-shirts. When I was about 12, I decided I needed something to wear over them: a tough-looking black leather jacket. My grandma combed all the department stores looking for one small enough. (I was a runty kid and now a very small adult). On Christmas morning at Grandma's, I found a giant, heavy box under the tree. I shrieked with excitement when I saw my dream jacket inside. The best part is it's been 10 years and that leather jacket still fits.
• Some of the best memories I have of Granny involved us bonding over TV shows, like when I stayed over at her house just so we could watch the wedding episode of Walker, Texas Ranger together. My preteen self thought Gage was dreamy and that Chuck was pretty kick-ass for an old guy. I was also in love with Walker's hat. When I was 10 or so, Granny gave me a black cowboy hat with a silver-studded hatband.
• When I was a senior in high school, I helped build the choir's Homecoming float. It was themed after the carnival scene from Grease and won the prize for Best Club Float. I was so proud and for Christmas that year, my mom got me a musical ornament that plays the Olivia Newtown-John version of "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee."
• Freshman year of college, I reunited with my 2 best friends from high school for an annual Christmas party. We're all obsessed with Johnny Depp. It wasn't planned out, but we all ended up getting copies of his newest-to-DVD movie Public Enemies. 
• My aunt and I share the same dark, twisted sense of humor, love of obscure/purposely bad movies, and TV crime shows. She also knows of my weakness for firemen. She doesn't have a lot of extra money, but managed to give me DVDs of Justified's latest season, Analyze This, Analyze That, Summer School with Mark Harmon, and FDNY's charity calendar last year.
• I have a little (okay, big) obsession with movies. I've lost count of how many DVDs I own, to the point where I ran out of room on the family shelf. Last Christmas, my mom and stepdad put together a  bookshelf just for my movies, which I thought was really sweet.