Guest Review: "Hocus Pocus"

A young Sean Murray, who plays Agent McGee on NCIS, is a featured actor in this made-for-Disney Halloween film.

The movie opens in 1600s Salem, Massachusetts, where a widower is raising his two children. The widower doesn't take his parenting responsibilities or his other duties very seriously. His son Thackery tries to be responsible and manage the adult duties on his own while his father drowns his sorrows at the local pub.

One day, Thackery's little sister Emily is playing in the woods, where she stumbles upon a dusty old cottage. Three witch sisters live there. They capture the young girl, intending to use her spirit in their potion (well, kill her, really). Thackery becomes concerned when his sister doesn't return home. He goes to look for her, finds the witches' house, watches through the windows, and sees Emily inside.

Thackery attempts to rescue his sister by climbing through an attic window and distracting the witches by shouting. Although momentarily thrown off, the witches recover. They kill Emily and turn Thackery into a talking cat who will live forever. The witches are subsequently hanged by a mob of townspeople, torches and all. The sisters vow to come back from the dead.

Cut to the 1990s. Max the California surfer dude is new to Salem. He gets stuck taking his little sister Dani trick-or-treating while their parents ignore them and get trashed. They go looking in the witch shack with Max's hottie female classmate. Max lights a magic candle; he's a virgin and it's Halloween night so the witches are able to return. Thackery has been wandering through Salem for the past 300 years, witnesses the witches' return, and decides to help the kids send the witches back where they belong.

After a prolonged drama, the witches are defeated by sunlight. Poof! Into dust! Thackery the talking cat who longs for death has his wish granted and rejoins his sister Emily.

The movie was terrible but worth watching. It was great to make fun of! It was interesting to see Sean as a much younger actor. However implausible and drawn-out the story was, I would rate it as 3 cauldrons full of sludge for the fat, old hags.

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"Pitch Perfect"

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This weekend, I rounded up 10 of my closest sorority sisters to see Pitch Perfect. I knew from seeing the trailers that this could go either way: a couple of hours of mindless fun or of me constantly checking my watch to see if it was almost over.

The plot is paper-thin, but I'll explain it anyway. Punk girl Beca is starting her freshman year at Barden University, but what she really wants to do is move to Los Angeles to become a music producer. Her father, who teaches comparative literature at Barden, has secured a scholarship for Beca and says she can drop out if she sticks out the year but finds college isn't for her. Part of the bargain is that Beca has to get involved in at least one club on campus.

Beca goes to the student activities fair and is recruited to join the Barden University Bellas, an all-female a capella troupe that hasn't updated their set list since the '80s. Barden, it turns out, is home to 3 other a capella groups: the coed High Notes (stoners), the all-male Treblemakers, and the coed Bu Harmonics. Beca thinks the Bellas need to shake up their routine a bit if they want to have a prayer of landing in the national finals. She also breaks one of the Bellas' cardinal rules when she falls for Jesse, a member of the Treblemakers.

It definitely succeeds as a comedy; my sisters and I could barely stop laughing. Fat Amy and the quiet Asian girl absolutely stole the show. Not to mention the Treblemakers deluding themselves into thinking they were genuinely cooler than the fraternities and athletes. That isn't to say I'd turn down a date with one of the a capella boys from my school.

As a former high school choir nerd, I found an element of Pitch Perfect that related closely to my own experiences. Sopranos at my school, like the ones in the Bellas, tended to be VERY snobby and rude to anyone not in their section. Beca is singled out by the lead soprano, Chloe, for bullying just because Beca is an alto. I could commiserate with that. I was listed in all our concert programs as an alto, but I was also a "utility voice." When we only had 4 boys in choir for our Christmas concert, I sang tenor on a few songs; if we were short on mezzos (soprano IIs), I was drafted by my teacher to fill in.

I was inwardly cheering that altos were featured so prominently in the movie. When I was in choir, we tended to be ignored. For the most part, we were stuck singing the same 4 notes while everyone else's parts were a little more challenging.

If you enjoy musicals in general, you can't go wrong with Pitch Perfect. The cast is very talented. Expect a lot of modern pop and rap. There's spectacular versions "No Diggity" and "I'll Make Love to You" during an a capella "riff-off."

FUN FACT: My college actually does have an a capella troupe called The Treblemakers, only ours is all-female.

Chicago Fire: "Pilot"

Or as I like to call the series Backdraft Lite.

I knew this show couldn't possibly compare to Denis Leary's masterpiece Rescue Me, which ended last fall. I was wary of the previews, a scene in which blatantly rips off one of my all-time favorite movie moments: the "You go, we go" scene from Backdraft. But I had I high hopes for Chicago Fire, helmed by Dick Wolf, creator of Law & Order and its spin-offs Special Victims Unit and Criminal Intent. It took roughly 10 minutes for Chicago Fire to ruin my hopes. Why?

• The opening scene of the episode is almost identical to the beginning of Backdraft with two minor exceptions. 1) Both firefighters trapped in the building die as opposed to Axe surviving. 2) A firefighter's youngest son does not witness his father's tragic death and wind up on the cover of Time magazine.
• The crew operates out of Firehouse 51, the same house designation that was used way back in the '70s for the show Emergency! Did Dick really think nobody would notice that?
• How unprofessionally the firefighters behaved during their station tour for an elementary school class. Guarantee these kids won't wanna grow up to be firefighters.

And these are just the general things that annoyed me. I'm friends with a lot of firefighters and EMS personnel. I've had some firefighter training myself and I'm a licensed EMT, so I noticed a few things that other people might not.

• Where on God's green earth did the props department find masks that old? Long glass in the front, "elephant trunk" style hose...Oh wait, I know, probably leftover from, you guessed it, Backdraft. The most laughable part is that they were hooked up to NEW model Scott Paks. Most likely, the hoses would be incompatible.
• This also goes back to the equipment issue. This show is set within the CHICAGO Fire Department. Even the most underfunded volunteer departments in small-town Kentucky have late-model Scott Paks and masks. (It's actually required by law in order to run calls, but I digress).
• The female paramedics wore their hair down with just their Chicago FD jackets and matching T-shirts (which fit more like baby-doll shirts). Even in my mid-size college town in Kentucky, our county EMS requires everyone to wear uniform shirts. And it's general practice in most lines of work that if a girl's hair is past her collar, she has to wear it up.
• More on the humorous side, every EMT or paramedic I've ever known keeps a stethoscope handy around their neck. These women did not.
• This one was the last straw for me. The female medics, both department veterans, respond to a shooting and Chicago PD is already on the scene. They tell the police officer to leave the apartment so they can treat the patient. No one knows where the shooter is but the cop leaves anyway. Guess what? The gunman pops out of the closet, holds the medics at gunpoint, and threatens them. The medics now have negotiate themselves out of the situation.

I know it makes for good drama, but drama should have a hint of realism. Let me tell ya, something like what I described would NEVER happen these days. The number one thing they preached in my EMT class and continue to in my paramedic school classes is scene safety.

The police should (and in most cases must) clear the scene of a violent incident before EMS personnel are allowed inside. In my state, this became standard practice after a very tragic and very public incident where a female paramedic was killed in the line of duty while responding to a shooting. The police officer certainly would not leave the room while the shooting victim was treated in case he got violent.

I don't plan on finishing the episode or watching another one. If I was Ron Howard, I would sue for copyright infringement. If I were a representative for Scott Paks or American Lion turnout gear, I'd reconsider their current product placement.

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Top 10 Quotes: "Remember the Titans"

This coming Saturday (October 13th) is my college's homecoming, which has put me in a football kind of mood. My favorite football movie is Disney's Remember the Titans, so I'm reposting this entry from my blog's previous incarnations.

1. Blue: (reacting to Alan's country music) Does the term "cruel and unusual punishment" mean anything to you?
   
2. Coach Yoast: There's a fine line between tough and crazy and you're flirtin' with it.
   
3. Julius: Attitude reflects leadership.
   
4. Louie: I'm roomin' with Blue, sir, and I noticed that he wears those leopard-spotted underwears. Bikini-style, sir!
   
5. Coach Boone: You will wear a jacket, shirt, and tie. If you don't have one, buy one. If you can't afford one, then borrow one from your old man. If you don't have an old man, find a drunk and trade him for his.
   
6. Coach Yoast: This is a time for reflection and for prayer...
   Gerry: Coach. I'm hurt. I ain't dead.
   
7. Sheryl: I hate playin' with dolls.
   Nicky: I'm not playing. I'm accessorizing.
   
8. Blue: Coach, we need a water break. We been out here all day.
   Coach Boone: Oh, you need a water break? Water is for cowards. Water makes you weak. Water is for washin' blood off that uniform and you don't get no blood on my uniform. Boy, you must be outside yo' mind!
   
9. Coach Yoast: We want them to remember forever the night they played the Titans.
   
10. Coach Boone: We're gonna take a little run through the woods. If you get lost along the way, don't bother comin' back to camp. Just hitchhike your hindparts on home.

21 Jump Street: "Pilot (Part 1)"

Today I'm showcasing a post from my newer blog The Chapel Files (jumpstreetchapel.blogspot.com). I've made it a little project to watch and critique every episode of the show that made Johnny Depp a household name, costarring the funny and very attractive Peter DeLuise. Enjoy! And feel free to check out The Chapel Files.


The episode begins with the show's do-it-yourself theme song with Holly Robinson (who plays Judy Hoffs) on lead vocals. The backup screams of "JUMP!" are provided by Johnny Depp, who plays Tom Hanson, and Peter DeLuise who plays Doug Penhall. Holly's not a bad singer at all, but I'm a bit curious as to why they didn't have somebody else perform the theme song. Budget issues probably had something to do with it...

We move on to the first scene. A preppy, wealthy family (the Weckerles) is getting ready for dinner: Mom, Dad, and their two teenage children Noreen and Kenny. Noreen's discussing a classmate's dad getting busted for drunk driving. Mom sniffily scolds her "Criminals get busted; Mr. Baumler was...arrested." Kenny announces he's turning boredom into an art form via playing clarinet. Mom serves the family meatloaf.

This Leave It to Beaver moment is interrupted by two black teenagers breaking into the house through the dining room window. They're looking for Kenny, who owes them $6,000. Kenny tearfully promises the money if they give him more time. The larger boy, Waxer, demands the keys to Dad's Jaguar. Dad is reluctant. "Give us the keys or we take little sister here to the prom!" sneers the other boy.

After the boys leave with the keys, Kenny's dad heads to the kitchen to call the police. Kenny flips out and doesn't want the police called.

Cut to a diner, where a painfully young-looking Johnny Depp is sitting in a police cruiser talking to his partner Charlie. Charlie is the classic "6 months left 'til retirement and don't wanna risk my neck doing police work" cop. Johnny, AKA Tom Hanson, asks Charlie if that's what he was taught in the academy. Charlie responds with: "30 years ago, there wasn't any academy. You rode in the backseat of a black-and-white for a week and a half." As a criminal justice student, I found the attention to detail regarding the history of policing to be a nice touch.

Charlie makes it clear that he doesn't really want to ride with Tom. Tom's previous two partners ended up with broken noses due to his tendency to charge headfirst into situations. Tom and Charlie peel out of the diner parking lot with the food tray still attached to the window; they're responding to a domestic disturbance call at the Weckerle residence. Dad recounts the story of the break-in while Noreen eyes up Tom. "Are you sure you're old enough to be a cop?" she asks. "You look just like that kid in Pretty In Pink."

The cops discover that Kenny is a band geek and nobody in his family has a clue who these kids were or why Kenny owes them $6,000. Charlie suggests kicking in the kid's door and beating the answer out of him. Tom chuckles nervously. Kenny speaks up from another room, trying to act tough. He fails miserably when he complains that he was grounded from a Eurhythmics concert for failing gym and says to Tom, "I don't have to tell you spit."

Tom and Charlie leave, agreeing to hand the case off to Juvenile. Charlie becomes suspicious of a car that stops for a green light and learns from the radio that the car was seen leaving a convenience store robbery. A chase ensues with Hanson driving erratically, flying down a one-way street. A pit maneuver ends the pursuit.

The suspects are ordered out of the car. They begin to taunt Tom about his baby face. Tom gets angry and ends up in a physical scuffle with them. Charlie comes over and tries to break it up. Tom's wild swing catches the older cop in the nose.

The next morning, Charlie is shown in the police locker room with  tape covering his broken nose. One of Tom's previous partners says he thinks Tom is a liability. Charlie disagrees; the kid's a good cop who doesn't like being picked on about how young he looks. Tom comes in and Charlie lets him know that the captain wants to see Tom.

On the way to his office, the captain complains to the rookie about the Vice detectives. "All they wanna do now is wear pink sportcoats and drive Ferraris." Freeze! Miami Vice! The subject turns to Tom as they sit down. The captain tells Tom he's not intimidating to suspects and nobody wants to ride with him anymore. He suggests Tom is too young. Tom thinks he's being fired and complains: "6 months at the academy and now I get to go manage a doughnut shop. Or maybe I could be one of those rent-a-cops who checks proof at a teen club."

The captain tells Tom that the department has a secret undercover program called Jump Street Chapel, which got its name because it's run out of an abandoned chapel on Jump Street. The program involves sending young-looking officers undercover in local high schools. Tom is initially uninterested, calling it "Fast Times at Bust-Your-Buddy High." He tells the captain that he hated high school the first time and lists his reasons why. The captain delivers an ultimatum: It's either Jump Street Chapel or driving a desk at Parker Center (the department's administrative building) until he looks old enough to be a cop.

Tom goes home to think about it, mournfully playing his saxophone in front of a framed picture of himself as a little boy with his dad Tom Hanson Senior. Tom Senior is in a police uniform. Tom plays an answering machine tape of what is presumably the last time he talked to his father, which was clearly a long time ago since the two discuss Tom Junior fighting at school.

Next we see Tom pulling up to an old church in a beauty of a '60s-era Mustang: blue paint job with black leather interior. He's wearing his patrolman uniform. The church's windows are boarded up and the surrounding neighborhood is also in disrepair. There are a few other vehicles near the church, notably a faded yellow van, a green roadster, and a blue-and-white motorcycle that looks like it could be a Harley-Davidson. 

Tom walks up into the loft of the church. It initially appears empty. Suddenly, he's ambushed from the side by a tall, heavyset cop with long curly brown hair and a pierced ear. It's Peter DeLuise. He looks over Hanson's attire and quips, "Guess nobody told ya this prom ain't a formal." He introduces himself as Doug Penhall. An Asian police officer played by Dustin Nguyen appears behind Doug. His name is H.T. Ioki.

Tom asks if he's in Jump Street Chapel, to which Doug replies "only if you're Catholic." This leads Doug and Harry to discuss  their respective lineage. The dialogue is delightfully politically incorrect. Doug reveals that his mother is Jewish, "which only means I get to celebrate both guilt and hell." Harry clarifies by saying that Doug's father used to be a priest and adds: "So don't play bingo with this guy; he's a killer."

Doug tells Tom that Ioki's initials stand for Harry Truman Ioki and asks him to guess what year Harry's parents immigrated to the United States. Harry deadpans that he's "named after the guy who dropped an atom bomb on my house."

Tom says he needs to talk to Captain Jenko. Doug turns and bellows "YO! JENK!" over his shoulder. Tom looks stunned that somebody would be summoning their superior in this fashion. A middle-aged man with long, stringy black hair makes a grand entrance by sliding down a yellow-and-red-striped fire pole. And I'll be damned, the actor is Frederic Forrest, AKA "Chef" from Apocalypse Now! He's wearing jeans and a leather bomber jacket  with a picture of Jim Morrison on the back.

The guy tells Tom that he's "been a Deadhead since Woodstock." Tom says he didn't go because he was only 5 years old and asks again where to find Jenko. Tom is shocked that this guy turns out to be Captain Jenko. He's equally confused by Jenko's hippie slang. He asks if he has time to get an omelet.

Jenko gives him a look. "When was the last time you saw a teenager have a cup of black coffee and an omelet for breakfast? From now on, it's potato chips, sodapop, pizza, and French fries." He tosses Tom a can of Coke and a bag of potato chips from his desk and cries, "It's the Pepsi Generation, sport!"

Jenko tells Tom that the rest of the undercover unit is several weeks ahead of him and Tom will have to be rushed through some of the training. He says he'll pair Tom with Officer Hoffs and shouts for Hoffs to wake up. Judy Hoffs, played by Holly Robinson, enters this office. It's obvious from the look on Tom's face that he thinks she's cute. "Run this cat down to wardrobe," Jenko instructs. "And for God's sakes, do something about that Jack Kennedy haircut."

Jenko leaves. Tom and Judy shake hands. He offers her a chip. A montage of Tom trying on clothes, getting a haircut, hanging out at an arcade with Judy, and buying records. By the end, Tom is clad in tight acid-washed jeans, boots, a black T-shirt, and a black leather jacket. His hairstyle is similar to James Dean's and he has a pierced ear.

At night, Tom has his first field training assignment, posing as Penhall's cousin. Jenko gives him firm instructions to buy drugs from the target, a kid named Jace, but not bust him. Tom and Jace head into an alley. Tom is visibly nervous. Jace gets suspicious and puts a gun to Tom's head. Tom tackles Jace and arrests him. Jenko tears into the alley and jumps out of his yellow van. He discovers that there were no drugs in the plastic bag, just a pair of smelly socks.

Jenko gives Tom a thorough ass-reaming in the street. "Now I gotta pull Penhall out!" he yells. "'Cause now the creeps who were hanging with Jace are gonna make him faster than Elton John in a hat shop!"

In the wee hours of the morning, Kenny leaves his parents' house on his motor scooter. He rides to what looks like downtown and starts delivering newspapers. He spots some watches on display and smashes the store's front window. He shoves them into his newspaper bag and rides away.

At Jump Street Chapel, the gang is gathered around a table for roll call. Doug is annoyed with Tom for blowing his cover. Judy is earning good grades and Jenko warns her "Honor students don't usually hang out with felons." Jenko tells Tom that he's been sent to Amherst High as a disciplinary transfer. Nothing is really going on at Amherst that the department knows of; it's just a chance for Tom to get his feet wet.

As Jenko dismisses them, Doug pounds on the table and lets out a loud wolf howl. Jenko mutters that he's glad Doug's on their side, giving us the hint that the big guy may be a little unstable.

In the Amherst parking lot, Tom makes the mistake of pulling into a parking space that's normally occupied by a red Ferrari. The luxury car belongs to Waxer, the guy who broke into Kenny Weckerle's house. The disagreement quickly turns physical. A teacher breaks it up and sends both boys to the principal's office.

Jake Schaffer, Amherst's principal, has a tedious conversation with Tom and Waxer using football metaphors ("completion record," "10 minutes into the first quarter on a Monday morning", etc). Tom learns that Tyrell "Waxer" Thompson is on probation. 

A short time later, Tom is in the hallway at his locker. With a jolt, he recognizes the guy a few lockers down; it's Kenny Weckerle. Kenny shouts for Waxer to leave him alone, but it's not Kenny that Waxer's interested in this time. Instead, Waxer approaches Tom.

"You gonna like it here at Amherst, boy. You gonna like it a lot if you like dyin'," Waxer threatens.

TO BE CONTINUED...flashes across the screen.

Guest Review: "Robin Hood--Prince of Thieves"

My aunt Sharon is a very funny lady who loves movies as much as I do. I've decided to occasionally feature some of her reviews on my blog. I'm kicking it off with the 1991 classic starring Kevin Costner and Christian Slater.

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Great movie!

Robin Hood's brother Will Scarlet is an odd sort of dude who carries a grudge against Robin dating back to their childhood. Robin, typically, didn't like the intrusion of a potential stepmother following his own mother's death. Will felt wronged because he was the resented half-brother; Robin managed to get their father, Lord Locksley, to prove his love for his first son by leaving his peasant lover. Will was left as an illegitimate child with only his mother to raise him, which wasn't a good thing in those days.

The lovely lady Marion was not so lovely. Neither member of the Robin/Marian couple seemed young enough, judging by the standard of their day, to entertain the idea of having a family.

The Sheriff of Nottingham and his witch mother were every bit a person's worst nightmare. The Sheriff's sycophantic cousin Guy got what was coming to him.

Marian and her lady-in-waiting are probably portrayed in a realistic way! They probably needed to be prepared to fight for their own lives and virtues if the men wouldn't or couldn't defend them. This much is still true today. A lady can have a wonderful, supportive, and protective man in her life, but she still has to be prepared to defend herself if necessary.

It was refreshing to see the guys cat-fighting for a change. A good example of this was Nottingham's revenge on Robin--a facial scar for a facial scar.

Will's childish song underscored his place as the younger brother. His long-lasting grudge toward Robin was heightened when Marian chose Robin over him.

One question. If the Muslim dude was so much smarter and had so much more wisdom than Robin and the others, why on Earth did Robin have to rake his bacon out of the fire? Azeem pretty much created the debt that forced him to follow Robin to England in the first bloody place.

My First NFL Game: Jets vs. Bengals

This past Friday, I went with my parents to watch the New York Jets take on the Cincinnati Bengals in a preseason game. I was most excited about seeing the Jets #15--Tim Tebow. I've followed his football career since he played for U of F. Just like Tebow, I was homeschooled for the majority of my childhood. I'm not particularly religious, but I admire the way he stands behind his Christian beliefs. It's hard to find a good sports role model for kids these days, but Tim's one of them. He doesn't drink, commit crimes, or have tantrums when he loses.

As predicted, Paul Brown Stadium was an absolute sea of orange when we arrived. However, I wasn't the only one with Tebowmania. I'd say about 75%-80% of the female Jets fans I saw were wearing a Tebow shirt or carrying a sign related to #15. We were early enough to watch the team warm up. I stood by the rail and watched the heartwarming scene of Tim making a seriously ill child's day.

I'm trying to focus on the positive, but I think the Bengals fans have to be some of the most obnoxious I've ever encountered. And that's saying a lot considering I used to be friends with a diehard Yankees fan. Thankfully I didn't have to listen to the "Bengal Growl" or the equally terrible "Who Dey" chant very much. The attitude of most of the Bengals fans is especially confusing to me because the team hasn't won a Superbowl since before I was born and they're consistently one of the worst-performing teams in the entire NFL. Even their cheerleading squad has a D-grade name: the Ben-Gals. Why not the Tigresses?

I ended up having no voice on Saturday because I spent the majority of the game cheering. I'm not terribly knowledgeable about the game of football, so I can't really comment on Rex Ryan's strategy. I think people really need to stop making jokes about Tebow's passing because the Jets third-string quarterback is infinitely worse. The Jets didn't win, but at least it's only preseason. I have faith that they can bounce back in the first "real" game. J! E! T! S! JETS JETS JETS!